For everyone there will come a time when they will be six feet under the ground, lifeless and breathless. My mom’s time came earlier than I would’ve wished, but in some way I feel as if it was my fault. People say that my father lived a life of a good man, but that’s not the truth. The truth is that my father is a bloody murderer. The night my mother breathed her last, was the night my drunken father pulled the trigger.
I was fifteen at the time, old enough to protect my mother, but I didn’t. I hid behind our sofa in petrified fear. When I poked my eyes above the sofa I saw my father aggressively holding my mother in a headlock with a gun to her head. He yelled intensively at her, “I do so much for you, Leah, and look what you’re making me do!” The room went silent after a loud bang. My mother was murdered by my father, and I had witnessed it all.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
This Intro sounds great! There are couple recommendations I would do is check your wording. There are some words that don't seem like they belong in that particular sentence. For Example:
"The night my mother breathed her last.." To me that doesn't make sense, but maybe to others. I would change it to, 'The night my mother had her last breath..."
"I hid behind our sofa in petrified fear." I also think that including 'petrified' was necessary in this sentence.
Other then the nit-picky things, I think this story is going to be great! I wish you luck!
Hey! Cello here!
Two minor things
"...saw my father aggressively holding..."
I feel like 'aggressively' is the wrong word here. Maybe just taking out the adjective altogether here would work or you could replace if with something like 'tightly'.
"He yelled intensively at her,"
Maybe here is where you could use 'aggressively'. I feel like 'intensively' isn't the right word. You could even say 'He yelled at her, his voice full of anger'
Other than that, this was really good. Maybe more emotion though? The speaker is watching her mother being murdered, she should show more nerves.
Everything was written nicely though and the story was a good, short length. It was really creative and I hope to see more work like this from you.
Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello
This a good short story, but it needs more details. Describe more about what he was feeling in that moment of witnessing his mom being murder. Also describe the setting too so readers can get a more of a visual of the crime. One last thing message me if you're planning on making this story longer so I can read it. It's a interesting story.
Actually there are tree parts the second one is out... The third will be soon and thank you for your helpful comments!
WOW! this could be a great opening to a bigger story. I like it a lot but feel like it needs a tad bit more detail. It sounds very traumatizing so it would be a great background story for a character. Im very excited to see where this story goes if you decide to take it further (which I encourage you to). Overall great intro I don't see any noticeable mistakes and I hope you continue this story.
-MrWriter39
Hello! Lyl here for a review
So this seems very interesting, and I like how you ended it. I feel like there could've been a little more of the five senses. Don't get into too much detail but make it a little more real for the reader, and make the reader feel a connection with this characters.
Make it little bit longer with those details, and it'll be spot on! I don't know if there's any grammar mistakes, I'm not one to really rake through pieces for that reason. I'm mostly here for emotional view point xD But I'm curious to see what will happen
-Lylas