Our story begins with a girl. She was born on a cold and stormy December night in China. The year was 763. She was born to the emperor and empress of China. Her name was Princess Mei. Her father's name was Emperor Kong and her mother’s name was Empress Shu.
Mei was a bit on the short side. She had long beautiful black hair that reached her thighs, she had beautiful black eyes that always sparkled, a small, petite body that was perfect in every way, and she had a round, soft face with no blemishes. to put it simply, Mei was absolutely gorgeous in every way possible.
Growing up, Mei was always different from other girls. She was different in a way that was difficult to explain. She was much smarter than most girls, that was for sure. Mei saw the good in everyone, even her evil father. She had grown up without a mother. Her mother died when she was at the mere age of four from a deadly snake bite. Her mother was a kind woman, much like Mei. She was a caring mother and was kind to everyone around her. Mei’s mother and father loved each other deeply, even though they were married by force. Her mother was married into royalty, she came from a family that lived off of selling things and traveling overland. Mei’s grandfather was a rich merchant. Mei’s father was so much more happy and kind when her mother was around. But after her mother’s death her father became bitter and cold.
The oldest memory Mei has of her mother took place on a summer evening when she was maybe 3-4 years old. The memory takes place in Mei’s chamber. Her mother tried to bind her feet. All Mei really remembers is her mother walking into her chamber, tears rushing down her face, holding a basket with all the equipment to bind Mei’s feet. Her mother never did bind Mei’s feet because she wanted to give her child the gift of running and walking without feeling pain in every step she takes. Mei was one of the very few girls her age in China who did not have bound feet. She was thankful for not having bound feet because as she grew older, she grew a passion for running through the palace gardens and taking long strolls in the halls of her home.
Mei was only 15 when her life changed forever. On her 15th birthday, her father came to her and told her she was getting married to a rich merchant's son. Her suitors name was Jian. Jian, much like Mei’s mother, came from a rich family that made money from selling things overland, Jian and his mother were merchants. Mei was overjoyed by the news. Her whole life she dreamed of a wonderful life with children and a husband, and finally her wish was coming true. Jian was to arrive on the 18th of March and they were to be married July 28th.
Mei was 15 when she got the news of her marriage and Jian was 17. Jian had grown up without a father, much like Mei had lost her mother 12 years ago.
When Jian finally arrived with his mother, Mei was the first person to greet them. She welcomed both him and his mother with an open heart and was so kind. But there was only one issue, Jian was not the person she thought he would be, he wasn’t even close to the person she had pictured spending her whole life with. First off, he was rude and irrigant. He treated everyone as if they were his slaves, especially his wife-to-be.
Mei wanted to call the wedding off, she hated her fiance more than anything. Mei spoke to her father but he said she had to go through with the wedding because they had everything planned out, they had even made her ceremonial dress. It was a long robe like dress with a long train and red and gold colors. They had also sent out invitations and planned the ceremony. There was nothing Mei could do to escape this marriage. She “agreed” to go through with the wedding because she did not want to be disrespectful to her father.
There was only 3 weeks left until the wedding and Mei had to come up with a plan fast. The whole night she sat in her room brainstorming ideas to escape. “How am I supposed escape.” Mei thought. She was up all night in her chamber thinking, until she came up with an idea. She decided she would run away! She gathered all her things and snuck out of the palace. She didn’t know where she was headed but she knew she had to go far because her father would send all of his troops to look for her.
In the morning her father went to her chamber to awake her. But instead of opening the chamber doors to see his young daughter, all he saw was an empty room and a note that read “Dear father; I’m sorry for leaving but I just cannot marry Jian. I do not want to be in a loveless marriage. You have told me to give him time and that I will eventually find a way to love him, but you are wrong, I have tried to see the good in him but I just can’t.” Kong was shocked. He knew she did not want to be in this marriage but he never imagined she would run away. He sent out his best troops to look for her, just as she had suspected he would.
The troops searched night and day. They looked all through out the Forbidden City. But when they found nothing in the city, they decided to search father. It took them 3 weeks before they finally found Mei’s lifeless body. Mei had taken her own life because she knew her father would eventually find her and force her to marry Jian. Next to Mei’s lifeless body was a bag full of things that Mei had packed. Inside the bag there was a small red envelope. Inside the envelope was a note that said “To whom it may concern; My name is Mei. I am the daughter of Emperor Kong. By the time you have found this note I am more than likely dead. I was put in an arranged marriage with a terrible person, and I figured running away and taking my own life was the only way to escape the marriage. So far along in my journey, I have traveled the silk road with a merchant named Ping. He was a small man, but he had a big heart. I made carpets, rugs, blankets, and curtains with Ping and we sold them. We also sold figs, cucumbers, rice, and pomegranates. It was not until now that I have made the decision to take my own life. I had realized that I would eventually be found, and when I was found I would never be able to leave the castle and I would be stuck with a horrible person who I so deeply despise. I would rather be dead than be in a loveless, sad marriage with a person whom I hate. I’m sorry father, I’m sorry for everything.”
When the troops returned to the palace they brought Mei’s body with them. She had only been dead for maybe a day or two. When the troops walked through the palace doors, Kong was there waiting. When Kong saw the body of his lifeless daughter he fell to the ground in tears. There was a ceremonial funeral four days later and Mei was buried with her mother.
The end…
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Hi AnnaH3

.Mailice here with a short review!
What struck me at first glance during the story is that it reads like a short biography of Mei and I think that's also the biggest strength of the story here. You go over a lot of things in a very good and neutral tone, as if you would rather show us something than directly tell us a "story", which I think is good in this case. It gives your short story a special tone that lingers. It makes everything read in a different tone in your head, and it feels as if you are looking at photographs and seeing excerpts in a kind of documentary.
But I also noticed another thing:
I'll take the first paragraph as an example. You write everything in very short sentences and you could just connect them in many places to create a smoother read. Because it gets very halting when you start reading and get into a kind of pause because of every full stop. I would consciously avoid this and try to create a main and subordinate clause to at least improve the structure a little. I also notice this throughout the story, and I think there are parts that suffer a lot from it, like where you repeat yourself with terms (like "The oldest memory... The memory..."). You could try to come up with a completely different structure, which would help to build up understanding more quickly.
Another thing I noticed:
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I think you can also write out the years, especially in this point the age. It seems so strange when you read everywhere that there are numbers or digits.
In summary, I think it's an interesting story about Mei and like how the story is gradually moving towards an open ending.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Hi AnnaH3,
I just read your story, and I loved it, but noticed a few things.
For one, I saw that in several places, you used present tense verbs, when the rest of the story was written in past tense. One example of this would be in paragraph 4, when you wrote "The oldest memory Mei has of her mother".
Another thing that I noticed is that in the note written by Mei, it made it seem as if she had travelled on the Silk Road trading for months, when you said she had been gone for only three weeks.
I also wonder if you could have included more detail about the ways Jian was rude to Mei and others.
Thanks, it was a great story, and I loved all the historical facts you were able to pack into such a short space.
I loved this story. It was short but it had so much emotion. You gave a lot of information about your time period and your writing skills were great. I understood everything and it wasn't hard to follow. The book was very intense and I learned a lot. I loved the ending... It almost made me cry
I loved this story. It was short but it had so much emotion. You gave a lot of information about your time period and your writing skills were great. I understood everything and it wasn't hard to follow. The book was very intense and I learned a lot. I loved the ending... It almost made me cry
This was a beautiful story and the ending was just so sad. I love Mei she is so brave, nice, and courageous. The whole story seemed like it was planned out so well, and the writing was remarkable! I really feel bad for the father, he lost both his wife and daughter. Ping seemed like a interesting character, maybe you could do another short story about Ping and Mei's adventures, I don't know this story was amazing!
Very surprising ending i enjoyed it overall