Published April 2, 2016
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139,565 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Heyo AnnGrace! It's me, Akelia Taske! Time for a review. *shuffles hands evilly*
I start off every review with saying I'm going to do something that I call sweet and sour. I tell you all the good things about your story, and then explain the nit-pics. (If you have any) So, let's get started!
SWEET
1. *ahem* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
2. Secondly, I thought this was very well written! I liked how you used more detail to describe Boba Fett's armor and boots.
3. And thirdly, I liked how you didn't use "said" in every sentence description of talking. That get's very bland, very quickly. But you did great not doing that!
Now, for the nit-pics
SOUR
1. I know there was ALOT of talking in this chapter, and I have that in my stories to, but I would recommend that you cut it down just a TEENY bit.
2. I saw that cleverclogs got this, but I'm going to mention it anyway. I did see that you used commas in the wrong spots a couple of times, or not at all in other places. Just be careful when your doing that.
Other than that, it was great! Good job!!
Never stop writing,
-Akelia Taske
K
And thanks. The other chapters need more reviews so.... A New Ally- Part 3
Hey, AnnGrace! cleverclogs here representing Team Batman on this fine Review Day!
Let's begin, shall we?
Here's an example of where you got it wrong:
Just a disclaimer here: I've never watched Star Wars in my life, so there might be some things I don't understand. So I'll be trying to review grammar and things, mostly. I do read a LOT of fanfiction for other fandoms, though, so I do know some of the tricks of the trade.
So most of the grammar in this is pretty good, but a lot of times the punctuation is off. You tend to miss a lot of commas, or put them in the wrong places. There are also instances of multiple punctuation marks (like !!!) that are a bit off-putting. So let's take these one by one.
Commas:
It seems to me that you got a bit confused about the dialogue comma rule, because you did almost every single of them backwards. But hey, that's what reviews are for.
It should look like this:
See, the comma goes inside the punctuation, not after the description of who's speaking. This happens several more times in the piece, so hopefully you can go through and fix those. Here's a pretty good guide that has a bunch of examples:
http://www.glencoe.com/sec/writerschoic ... ndex.shtml
Multiple Punctuation:
Sometimes you use more than one punctuation mark. That's all fine and well when you're texting your friends, but in a story it looks a bit unprofessional. For instance:
Just one exclamation point will do nicely for each of those. Right after, you say that the speaker yelled these words, so you don't really need all those extra exclamation points to tell us that. This happens a couple of other times, so I recommend going through and just sticking with one punctuation mark per phrase XD
Also, you tend to overuse ellipses. They are used to indicate hesitation or a trailing off thought, but do be careful and make sure you don't use them too much. Otherwise, it becomes a little unnatural in dialogue.
Going back to commas: There were also instances when you missed commas. A lot of times it was when someone was addressing someone else. For instance:
and
There should be a comma before both "boss" and "Fett". This is a recurring problem, so maybe try going through and seeing what other mistakes like this you can catch.
Now that I'm done with grammar, I'll review what I can of the story.
I feel a bit lost here, not being a Star Wars fan. But that's fine. I'm not really the intended audience. I've tried writing fanfiction before, and I understand that it's hard enough to write it well without having to worry about making non-fans understand it. So don't worry about that at all. The descriptions were pretty good throughout, and I think you did a good job of setting up the scene. I have a vague recollection of the name "Boba Fett" from somewhere, so I'm assuming that's significant in some way? Otherwise it would seem weird to make a dramatic reveal of her name before ending the chapter.
Also, looking at the review below, it looks like you edited a major time shift out and moved it into a different chapter. That makes this seem a bit more like a prologue to me. Just a thought.
So overall, good job, and uh, I guess you Star Wars fans say may the Force be with you?
Ha! That's exactly what Laz asked.
And I know the ellipse thing. Bad habit, and I'll fix it.
Hey! So you're my 100th review!
I usually write a short character description after I give the readers' the character's name for the first time.
)
Thoughts on Plot, Characters, Dialogue
Descriptions! Descriptions! Write them in I know you can
Also, describe what Mandalorian armor either looks like or is.
Laz poked his head out and looked up into the face of someone dressed in old Mandalorian armor.
Your dialogue is extremely good, it's great to be complete, truthfully honest. The one thing you can do though is add descriptions after it. This isn't a script it's a novel. I would recommend describing the characters, their movements and their voices/emotions.
Now I was very interested in this novel and I still am but I literally said out loud "Wait what?" when this happened:
All this happened 10 years ago. Now, Laz has learned almost everything Boba Fett could teach him. Right now, he is on his way to try to capture the famed smuggler, Han Solo. However, Akelia, Sayia, Kya, the Ghost crew, and I didn’t know that yet.
No. Just no.
Please don't tell me that you skipped through time ten years in one chapter! Oh my lord, please don't do that. You could've ended right before this paragraph on an amazing dialogue line! Leaving your readers on a hook and a cliff hanger!
Please, please, please think of changing that. There is no shame in small chapters (from a writer of small chapters
Now there isn't anything wrong with this but I just wanted to say:
“Yep.” Answered Hera Syndulla the captain of the Ghost, “That’s one reason why the crew of the Merlin is bunking in with us.”
Merlin like the wizard? Because if there are any Merlin fans (it's a TV show) here! Woooo! Go Merlin! Okay moving on xD
Thoughts on Sentences, Grammar, Punctuation
Immediately I noticed a small grammar mistakes:
“S-s-sorry master. I was trying.” He whimpered scooting away from Ambru,
This comma should be a period and the sentences (dialogue descriptions) around this sentence need that change too.
This one has the same problem I explained above (with the comma) and it also needs to make 'Confirmed' lowercase.
“Chopper said that their hyperdrive is down.” Confirmed Ezra,
Now this paragraph has a number of problems. I'm going to slowly address them so I don't confuse you and myself
“DON’T YOU SASS ME BOY!!!!!!” Bellowed Ambru
You only need one explanation point and you also don't need to write this dialogue in all caps. It doesn't look nice and you just don't need it. The explanation point already shows Ambru is yelling.
and would have struck the boy again, but suddenly there was an explosion!
For this ^^ I think you could have shocked us better and worded it better. This sentence sounded like you were playing the one word story game (you know the one where you and whoever you are playing with say one word back and forth until you form a complete story). I think try and dragged this out more and add description. For example, 'Ambru would have struck the boy again but before he could raise his right hand there was an explosion that threw him and the boy on the ground. Imediately, reacting to the shock, Ambru hid behind a table, his breaths heavy and his hands shaking and not as a reaction to smacking that little boys cheek.' See? Doesn't that sound better and it really puts the scene in your mind and sorry I know that's not what you explain happened in the later sentences ↓
Three figures raced into the room. The one that seemed to be their leader fired three rounds of his blaster and killed Ambru. Laz was terrified as scooted back into the corner and ducked under a table. There was a scuffle as a droid took care of another guard that had just come in the door. Laz froze when the dull sound of quiet voices abruptly ended as he scooted back farther. Someone was walking over. He peeked out from under the table and saw tall, scuffed up boots.
You descriptions get better later in this paragraph ^^
The final thing that needs fixing in this paragraph is that it shouldn't be all one paragraph. Compared to the other paragraphs this one is huge! So split it after you say Ambru's line, that way it will be grammatically correct and visually pleasing to your readers' eyes.
Summary
Anyway that's my review. Sorry if it was a little harsh at times. I really enjoyed your dialogue a lot but I do think you have a lot of grammar changes to make. Never stop writing!
♥ Alice ♥
*Fun Facts*
~This was my first fanfiction to read ever
~I love Star Wars!
Have a Wonderful Day! ♥
Thanks! Believe me, I know how that this isn't really good. You should have seen the rough draft! Yeeesh. Anyway, any other suggestions on hoe to time skip 10 years? That's just how the story goes, and I don't want it to sound as bad as it does.
PS: A Merlin is also a bird of prey. That's what I named the ship after.
And the "how" in my comment was a typo.
Hello fellow human!
The story line you have created here is very unique, and very enticing. Though I understand this is supposed to be a short story, I feel a little bit of elaboration would really make the reader feel more... involved in the story. That may have not come out as I intended, but let me explain.
Though this story has a VERY interesting plot and you seem to have a very nice way of telling said plot, I was very confused as to what was going on. An example of this is when "Three figures raced into the room and one of them that seemed to be their leader killed Ambru." lets just say, I am still very confused. How did they kill him? Was Rodian just standing there while they killed him? what was he feeling?
Second, I feel we never really got to understand the character very much.
Also, this seem pretty long for a short story. And I know, I am kind of telling you to make it longer by adding details and interesting details, but I feel the story would both progress at a more relaxing/involving pace (as mentioned previously).
other than that, I really did enjoy this story. A bit of attention would definitely make it even better though
*Keep Writing*
Thanks so much. This is one of the earlier things I wrote abd it's really not that good. I'm editing a lot abd I'll try...wait. I WILL fix the thing that your talking about. Thanks!
Its my pleasure, and you're welcome. Also, I completely understand. We all have those types of older stories don't we?