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12+ Language Violence

(Vampire) Temp tittle! (part 2)

by Anma


“You know that can’t hurt me,” the vampire said from behind Gia.

She nodded her head slowly.

“Look at my little girl,” he said, “tell me what you see.”

Gia turned around hesitantly opening her eyes. She looked at him, examining his black shirt, down to his hips were a belt, and jean hugged. Then she slowly raised her eyes upwards looking at his face. His blood red eyes met hers.

“Well?” he said, “are you going to tell me or what?”

Gia looked at his mouth, which was grinning ever so pleased.

“Blood,” she said.

Gia didn’t mean to say that, but when she did, he looked down at her.

“What?” he said in an annoyed tone.

She swallowed, “you drank my mom’s blood,” she said.

“That’s right,” he said, “I did drink your moms’ blood, every last drop.”

The vampire took a step closer to her, and Gia felt her hands tighten on the knife.

He took hold of a strand of her golden hair. She tugged, “now don’t struggle,” he said, that will only make the pain worse.”

Gia raised the bottom of the knife hitting the vampire in the stomach. He let out a cry letting her go. Gia leaped onto the counter as he grabbed her wrist. She fell back with a thump and screamed with all her might. The vampire covered her mouth with his dirty hands. Gia struggled to try to push him away. She raised the back of the knife again this time hiding him in the face. A splinter of the wooden handle cut his face. The vampire looked back at her furiously. Gia froze dropping the knife to the ground. His dark blood dripped onto her only pink shirt.

“You're going to pay for that,” he said raising her wrist to his mouth.

Gia clenched getting ready for the pain when the back door flew open.

“Michal!” a man said, “what in the hell are you doing! We don’t have time to mess around.”

The vampire dropped her arm, and it thumped on the counter. He wiped at his mouth and chin trying to get rid of the crusted blood. Tears filled up Gia’s eyes, she’s alive, but her mothers dead. Sadly, she wasn’t as upset as she thought she’d be. Her mother never really took much care of her. And she was a drunken mess most of the time. The man by the door nodded his head toward her.

“Grab the girl, put her in the carriage with the rest, were burning this village down.”

Before Gia could refuse, the vampire's hand were on her again. Throwing her over his strong shoulders. Gia scratched and screamed as tears fell from her eyes.

“Let me go!” she yelled.

Then she blacked out.


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Sun May 05, 2019 4:43 pm
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Honora says...



Hey Anma! Everything that i found has already been pointed out except for one thing.
When she is fighting him, what was the point of jumping on the counter?
Anyways, other than that, you did an awesome job! I really like it and hope to see more soon!
(Sorry it took so long to review/read)
Your friend,
Honora




Anma says...


So she could get away. She couldn't go around it because he was there. So she tried going over it. But she was to tiny and slow.



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Sat May 04, 2019 5:13 pm
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Magestorrow wrote a review...



Hello again! I'm here as requested. <3

Small Comments


“Look at my little girl,” he said, “tell me what you see.”


I think you meant "me" instead of "my". :)

Gia turned around hesitantly opening her eyes. She looked at him, examining his black shirt, down to his hips were a belt, and jean hugged.


This part is confusing, but I'm guessing typos are at fault. Did you mean to put "where" instead of "were" and "hung" instead of "hugged"?

Gia raised the bottom of the knife hitting the vampire in the stomach. He let out a cry letting her go. Gia leaped onto the counter as he grabbed her wrist. She fell back with a thump and screamed with all her might. The vampire covered her mouth with his dirty hands. Gia struggled to try to push him away. She raised the back of the knife again this time hiding him in the face. A splinter of the wooden handle cut his face. The vampire looked back at her furiously. Gia froze dropping the knife to the ground. His dark blood dripped onto her only pink shirt.


I love how Gia fights back here, but why does she use the back of the knife instead of the blade? My first thought would be to stab the vampire, even if (if vampires here are like vampires in popular vampire stories) that wouldn't do more than annoy them - it would cause a longer distraction.

“Michal!” a man said, “what in the hell are you doing! We don’t have time to mess around.”


Interesting! It sounds like there's multiple vampires, and that they have something important that they need to do.

“Grab the girl, put her in the carriage with the rest, were burning this village down.”


Hm....I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that Gia is getting kidnapped so they can drink her blood later.

Gia scratched and screamed as tears fell from her eyes.


I love how much Gia is fighting back, even if she ultimately doesn't stand a chance of winning right now.

Overall Comments


I mentioned this in my last review, but I think reading the chapter out loud before posting it would help you pick up on any typos or little grammar mistakes. :) I've done it before, and I was surprised to see how many things I noticed when reading over words. I didn't focus on it too much in the earlier section of the review, but some of your dialogue is formatted wrong. I highly suggest looking up how to format dialogue in different situations - I found this article that explains when to write dialogue a certain way, and I'm happy to clarify anything you might have questions about.

Like I mentioned earlier, I'm really loving Gia's characters. She's not a helpless girl, and I've always loved seeing female protagonists kicking butt. I'm also intrigued by her connection with her mother. While there doesn't necessarily have to be a reason for writing her mother the way that you did, it does make me think that Gia's going to come to compare her future life in the novel to her past one and like her new one better - she's already thinking about how her mother didn't treat her well, and focusing more on survival than on her mother's death.

I'm definitely intrigued by the implication that there's multiple vampires working together. I usually see vampires as solo characters - they don't interact much with other vampires, and tend to do their own thing. Part of me wonders if you'll reveal later on that there's an organization that they're a part of, or at least a very tight-nit vampire family/group of friends.

I can't wait to see where this story goes next!




Anma says...


Thanks, she hit him with the back cause it was made of wood. Yes she is being kidnapped.



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Tue Apr 30, 2019 5:41 am
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Toboldlygo wrote a review...



Hello there!

This is a nice piece, but I noticed that you have some mixed tenses going on in it. For example, in this sentence here, you have two tenses:

"Tears filled up Gia’s eyes, she’s alive, but her mothers dead."

It begins past tense (filled) and switches to present (she's). It's a little bit confusing for the readers, because it becomes harder to follow the chronological events of the story.

These sentences here, I though, would work better combined somehow:

"Her mother never really took much care of her. And she was a drunken mess most of the time."

Maybe something such as, "Her mother never really took much care of her, being a drunken mess most of the time." It's just a suggestion, there are so many other ways to alter it, but I think combining those sentences somehow would make it sound much smoother while reading the piece.

Overall, I think something that could make this story more than what it is now would be adding more descriptive language to the entire piece. Really paint it in our minds using your words. Right now, it's easy to gloss over it a little bit, but more visualization would make it stand out more and make your readers want to come back.

Hope this helps!

Toboldlygo





"Death is cheap, and so is life, but a reputation is not easily recovered."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi