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Untangled (Chapter 3) 16 recomended

by Anma


Chapter 3

Barkana followed after him to the fire. She saw a few fellows greet him, then he sat down on one of the logs. A beer case sat next to it, of course there going to have beer. If they cant get high, they get drunk. Barkana moved to one of the other logs further away from the fire. She sat down as Marry walked toward her. Marry was Mallory’s sister in law. She sat down next to Barkana handing her a sprite.

“I know you don’t like to drink” she said handing it to her.

Barkana took it from her in silence nodding her head.

“You and Mallory get into a fight again?” Marry said.

Barkana’s opened her drink.

“Is it that obvious?” she said taking a sip.

“Ya, sort of, is he pressuring you again?” Marry asked.

Barkana nodded her head swallowing, “not like last time no.”

Marry folded her arms standing up, “that ass-hat” she said.

“Do you want me to go talk to him?” she said looking down at Barkana.

“No” she said, “it's fine really.”

“Well” Marry said “what i really came to tell you is me and the girls are going to stay at Darly's house after this”.

She paused “if you want to come, I’ll give you a ride.”

Barkana smiled at her, “okay, I’d rather go to her house than your brothers.”

She said have jokingly, half serious.

Marry taped her shoulder playfully, “okay”.

She winked walking away.

At the end of the party beer cans were everywhere. The smell of vomit made Barkana sick to her stomach. Marry walked toward her with Carry trailing behind.

“The girls are getting in the car” Marry said looking around.

“Where's Brinly?” she asked, Bon looked at them.

“She went to go get something of hers from the cabin "he said nudging his head.

Marry sighed “seriously, we don’t have time for this” she tapped her thy.

Barkana jumped in, “I’ll go get her” she said.

Bon and Carry turned to look at her.

“Thanks” Marry said putting a hand on her shoulder.

“Meet us down by the van!” she said as Barkana ran toward the cabin.


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163 Reviews


Points: 8860
Reviews: 163

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Sun May 26, 2019 10:40 pm
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Liberty500 wrote a review...



Hey Anma!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, obviously depending on what side of the world you're on. I'm here to give you a review! Let's dig right in. So, this was a nice chapter. You've been doing really well. I did catch a few things though. Let's start from... Let's see... Here!

If they cant get high, they get drunk.


So hopefully you can see the bold word right there. Yeah, well it's supposed to have an apostrophe like this: can't. Make sense?

“what i really came to tell you is me and the girls are going to stay at Darly's house after this”


The i needs to be capitalized. So it would look more like this: I

Marry taped her shoulder playfully,


The bold word is not the right word for the context. It means like a tape record. The word you would actually want to use would be: tapped. With two ps. Last thing:

she tapped her thy.


You see the bold word? Yeah? You spelt it incorrectly. Thy is actually supposed to be thigh. That's it for my review. Hope this helped. And, remember, if you think that anything I said was rude, flat out ignore it, or tell me. It was a delight to read your chapter and I'd love to see more from you, friend.

Happy Review Day!

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




Anma says...


Thanks



Liberty500 says...


Your welcome



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Points: 0
Reviews: 4

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Fri May 03, 2019 5:48 pm
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Blairwood wrote a review...



Hi Anma! Once again I love your stories a lot!

Some tips/ feedback
-The characters need more distinct personalities and maybe names? They don't seem to be solid characters yet idk if your going to add more development or what.
-I may be a bit selfish with this but can the chapters be longer pleasssseee?!

That's all sorry if my feedback on your story was a little blunt on the first part. I just get super attached to the people in stories.
*Gets flustered*
Anyways... keep writing! I love you and your stories sooooooo much!




Anma says...


Thank you!!




cron
In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.
— JRR Tolkien