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Still Remember

by Anma

I still remember that night. The night I let you in. Let your know how i felt. It took me so long, we were just kids. Now I write this song asking for forgiveness. I'm not sure what for, or even why. But if you see it, will you think about if you really want to say goodbye? I remember our conversations, mostly about our problems. The ways we were hurt. The night you told me you wanted to be with me I was lost. Lost in some other universe. I still had hope for someone else, someone who couldn't love me himself. So when I told you no, I new I had broke your heart. When I came to see you that day. I remembered comeing up to you by the car. I asked you for a hug. Looking at your armed arm. You brought me inside just so you could play. You did your video game while I listened. We got close for just a moment. A moment of peace and silence. I hated seeing you sad. I hated the fact you were all I had. You leand in a few times to plant a kiss. But I just got rid of it. I wasnt sure of what to do. I was scared out of my wits when I was with you. How stupid I was to move away. Even know when I had to say goodbye. I still remember the soft feel of your lips. Your arms stretched around me like was surrounded. Holding me into your chest. Your warm breath hitting my hair, In light waves. Your amazing eyes that looked my way. The seriousness and love on your face when you pulled me close. The way your hand clamped around mine. Those are all the things I remember about that night. About that moment with you. Now I cant just give it up. Give you up.The beauty inside and outside you. 

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155 Reviews

Points: 11208
Reviews: 155

Wed May 01, 2019 8:44 pm
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Toboldlygo wrote a review...

Hey there! Toboldlygo here for a review!

My first question is, is this a poem or song lyrics or what's going on here? Overall, it's a really great piece, but I think if it's formatted more clearly, we'll be able to tell better what it's supposed to be, and that will make us appreciate it even more. :)

I think this piece is lovely. It really makes one think about missed chances for love and happiness, and it's just so sad to think back to the happier times and wish you hadn't said or done one little stupid thing. It really evokes emotion and creates a strong sense of emotion in the reader, so that's really good!

There are a couple of grammatical things, which have already been pointed out so I don't need to harp on them longer. Grammar aside, I think in a way it almost goes by too quickly. You could put more into it and it would be satisfying. As it is, after reading it, I want to see more of that world. Which is a good thing in your writing, but I also wonder if there could be a bit more exploration of this situation? The last sentence, for example, references a person beautiful inside and out, but we have no indication that this is a particularly good looking person until that piece. The last line would be less jarring if there was more indication that the point of view is lamenting someone whom s/he also thought particularly good looking. Just a thought.

Overall, fantastic piece! I hope I see more like this because it's really amazing and soul-stirring to read. Very well done!

Happy Writing!


Anma says...

Honestly I dont know, most likely lyrics

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45 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 45

Wed May 01, 2019 6:49 pm
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potatoefry2001 wrote a review...

Wow. You write amazing things. I just want to encourage you to keep writing!!!!!!! There are a couple spelling errors that I noticed while reading, so I thought I would share those with you. So here they are:
"I remember are conversations," which should be "I remember our OUR conversations."
"So when I told you no, I new I had broke your heart," which should be "So when I told you no, I KNEW I had broken your heart."
"you leand in.." leaned is spelled wrong
"Even know when I had to say goodbye," should be "even NOW when I had to say goodbye."
There is an apostrophe in the word "can't."
I hope I haven't offended you by correcting your mistakes, because like I said before I began critiquing the writing, you really do write amazing things. You are truely gifted with an amazing talent and I hope you pursue your writing ability further. Anyways, Have a great day and remember to smile today. (That's my advice for EVERYONE!!!) Just smile. Anyways, potatoefry out.

Anma says...

Not at all, thank you, and I'll try...

If you can't describe what you are doing as a process, you don't know what you're doing.
— W. Edwards Deming