Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Romantic

12+ Violence Mature Content

Orphaned Boy (Chapter 1)

by Anma


 

Brandon

OCT 6, 6:29am

I grab my duffle bag from my bed and look out the window. Rain trickled down it in light drops. A black limbo sat out in front of the house. I could see Mr. Robert talking to the man in the car. The man’s light orange hair was gelled back neatly. He nodded and smiled at him. Robert shook his hand parting off. I could hear the screen door open, and he called our names.

“Brandon! Riely!” he said.

My bedroom door flew open, and Riely walked in.

“Its time to go!” he said.

He grabbed me by the arm pulling me out. Robert stood at the bottom of the stairs, Melinda right behind him. She had a tissue underneath her eyes. Cleaning up her tear struck makeup. Riely hugged them goodbye while I stood there. They were so loving to him. I mean who wouldn’t? Riely was a good kid, known for his kindness, and behavior. Unlike me. I was known as the sad, orphaned boy. Robert smiled at me holding his hand out. I stared at for a while before I took it.

“Good day son,” he said.

Melinda cut in-between us smashing me into a hug.

“Oh, Brandon” she cried.

I patted her back gently not knowing what to say or do. Riley rolled his eyes from the side of me, then put his fake ass smile back on.

“We probably should get going,” he said grabbing her arm.

“It was nice staying with you!”

He said pulling her way. I brushed my shirt where there was a wet mark.

“Ya…,” I said.

Riely and I headed outside, bags in hand. The man had stepped out of the limbo waiting by the opened door. Riely walked toward it fastly pulling my arm. He jumped in after handing him the bags, I soon followed after. The guy got in the front seat and started pulling away.

Jackie

“Common sleepy head! Wake up!”

I pried my glued eyes opened sighing.

“Cerina!” I said, “please…. Just ten more minutes?”

All that came was silence, I opened my eyes the rest of the way. Cerina was standing there hand on hips, her red tipped blonde hair in a messy braid. Too bad, I didn’t look as good as she does in the morning. My brown hair was usually a noted mess that won't be tamed. So when I go to school, I look like a lion. Cerina shoved her phone in my face.

“Its already 6:32 girl! We got the school to attend!”

I groaned getting the lazy self of my bed.

“There you go!” She says, “that’s a start!”

I glared at her, but she just smiled innocently. She pulled a brush from my side table and started toward me. I jumped away.

“Nope!” I said, “you ain't touching my hair wonder women!”

I said making fun of her PJ shirt.

“Jackie!” she said.

“Get back here.”

I grabbed a pillow from my bed throwing it at her as she tried to tackle me. We both started laughing happily.

“Now serosly lemme see your hair” she said.

“Fine” I roled my eyes.

I turned around as she put the brush to my hair.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
192 Reviews


Points: 8357
Reviews: 192

Donate
Sun May 12, 2019 4:00 pm
View Likes
Liberty wrote a review...



Hey Anma!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight depending on what side of the world you're on. I'm here to give you a review on your story! So let's get right to it, now shall we? Alright.

:smt003 First thing: You categorized this story as romantic... But, um, I didn't really see any. So just wanted to point that out. Maybe you might wanna categorize it as something else? I dunno. Just pointing it out.

:D Second thing: In the beginning of your story, you started it with present tense, then you moved to past tense. Everyone has this mistake, and that's totally cool. Just wanted to tell you so you could watch out for that later on.

:) Third thing: I know that you are writing this story and you're moving from one POV (point of view) to another. If you are going to do that, I'd suggest making the names in bold or something so that your readers can tell. Because when you wrote 'Jackie', I was kinda confused there for a sec. So then later, at the end of the story I found out that it was a different POV. So my tip is that just make it bold or add something to it so we can know that it's a different POV. For example:

Riely and I headed outside, bags in hand. The man had stepped out of the limbo waiting by the opened door. Riely walked toward it fastly pulling my arm. He jumped in after handing him the bags, I soon followed after. The guy got in the front seat and started pulling away.

>>Jackie<<


“Common sleepy head! Wake up!”


Fourth thing:
Riely walked toward it fastly pulling my arm.


Fastly isn't a word, I'm afraid. Quickly would be a better word to put in here instead. :mrgreen:

Fifth thing:
“Now serosly lemme see your hair” she said.


Spelling mistake here! It's supposed to be seriously. But you wrote serosly. ;)

Sixth thing:
“Fine” I roled my eyes.


Another spelling mistake. Roled is supposed to be rolled. Two L's. :D That's it for me here! I enjoyed reading your story and I can't wait to read the next chapter. This was an interesting story by the way. I can't wait to see what happens next. :)

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




Anma says...


Its a little farther through the story.



Liberty says...


Alright, that makes sense. :D



User avatar
233 Reviews


Points: 17945
Reviews: 233

Donate
Sun May 12, 2019 1:30 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @Anma I have gone here 12 times and it has been blank. I am starting to wonder if there is anything on this. I don't no why your posting it if it is blank but, I am just letting you no that I right now cannot see anything on here. So anyways I just wanted to look at the first line of this at least but I could not even see anything. If you would kear to explain why that would be nice. Unless you don't no about this and it is showing with you. I just wanted to see if this was really bad or if it was just rated for the sake of it, I do do that some times. flames does to, but this is blank.

So I hope you find out why it is blank. But that is all for now that I can say about this for it is only blank.

@EagleFly Out To Seek And Kill




Anma says...


There



Anma says...


Sorry, its rated that incase. There is a violent part in the story. (Yes ive already finished it) Its toward the end though..



Dossereana says...


Oh I see, also before and if something comes up like that you no that you can go to the work and make it so that only you can see it, then when you have finished doing what your doing you can make it so ever one can see it again, i hope that makes sens.



Anma says...


How can i do that?? I didn't know



Dossereana says...


So you can just go to the Publishing Center, and there you can see all your works in the files that you put them in, or you can go to the work here and press Edit, then go and scroll down, and there will be a batten there that seas Unpublish then you click that then well no one else can see it other then you. then the thing will lod and it should say, You have unpublished something or other, meaning it will no longer show up in the YWS Literary Database or in your portfolio. However, you can still access it from the Publishing Center. then there is two links that should be there that say Click here to set options for this work, Return to the Publishing Center, then if you want it so that everyone can see it again you press Return To The Publish Center, and then you click on the work that you want, and it will go to a place that sets options for your work, and at he bottem if you want to publish it then it has a go back setting to an edit place, and then at the bottom of that place it will have a butten that said publish then well it is published again. :D I hop that this was understand a bill and it works for you, if it was not then I am really sorry. pleas let me no when you do it.



Anma says...


Thanks! I'm surprised I never new that, lol



Anma says...


I don't see no publish it botton...




Don't gobblefunk around with words.
— Roald Dahl