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E - Everyone Language

Need

by Anma


Cry me a river, 

Build me a bridge. 

You do whatever

for me, i give.

-

Oh, the night shines, 

while were holding hands.

I feel a little lost,

even though i know where i am.

You bare my heart in your hands.

Once was all yours, now ours.

You help me, help me.

Pull each other close.

-

I cry you a river.

Burned down the bridge.

Do whatever.

For me i still give

Oh, the nights so dark.

Sheets are empty beside me.

You bare my heart, with a knife 

Once ours is now all yours.

-

So lay me down slowly 

Help me out of Hell

give me something to breathe

hide your eyes behind a mask

Light shines above "The"

Help me, Help me.

I'm helpless, why can't I get near?

I may record the song and link it on here.... Maybe I'll think about it..


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Tue Apr 09, 2019 12:47 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hello, Anma!

You have a very emotional piece here. I'm sad to not have heard the music with it. I'm sure it would only have made it even more melancholy than it already is!

I really like how it started. "Cry me a river" being an expression for saying basically to get over it, their problems are insignificant, and then following it with "build me a bridge" as a reverse response saying you want to meet them and their needs to help them overcome it. I don't know if this is what you were aiming for, but it was how I saw it. I just really liked those two lines. The second two kinda lost me ("for me, I give" just confuses me, so maybe I'm reading this all wrong), but those first two were awesome.

Honestly, you have a lot of those lines that are so powerful, I can tell this can be polished into a really great song. I also like how the song ended with "why can't I get near" as a tie back to the bridge the speaker wanted built for them.

It feels like a tug-of-war through the whole piece. One person is in need, the other person is in need, no one seems to want help but they occasionally help the other. The bridge is needed, the bridge is burned, the bridge is missed. Speaker tells them they're being dramatic, the speaker turns around and cries them a river right back. I can't help but not really have sympathy for either person at this point, which could be something to look at.

I really think you have a lovely start. Like I said, I would have loved to hear the music with it. I love music. I'm sure it would only bring the theme out even more!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




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Tue Apr 09, 2019 12:44 am
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FabihaNeera says...



Wow, this is really good! I could feel every emotion coming from these lyrics... the pain was tugging at my heart. *sniffle*

I really do hope you record this! I would LOVE to hear how it sounds like. The metaphors, imagery and everything really adds to its effect!

I can't really find any errors that weren't already fixed... so I'll just say, well done! :D




Anma says...


Thank you!



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Sun Apr 07, 2019 10:21 am
4revgreen wrote a review...



Hey, Che here for a review!

I will just point out some places where I see grammatical/spelling errors or areas that I think need improving

while were holding hands.

I assume you either meant "While we were holding hands" or "Why we're holding hand"

even though i know were i am.

It should be "where" not were

Sheets are empty beside me on the bed.

This line pretty long and disrupts the flow of the poem

One's all ours is now yours.

I assume you meant "Once"

give me something to breath

It's actually "breathe" with an e on the end

Can I just say, PLEASE MAKE THIS A REAL SONG! I would love to here it! I can really feel the heartache throughout the piece, the rhyming was great too!

Keep writing!

Regards, Che :-)




Anma says...


Thanks!



Anma says...


I fixed it up, hopefully



4revgreen says...


No problem :-)




I like to create sympathy for my characters, then set the monsters loose.
— Stephen King