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I See You Chapter 1

by Anma


Its not every day you wake up in a different person's body. It's not every day your wish would come true.. that's what happened to me. Exactly what happened...

Chapter 1

Annalesa

I woke up in a hospital bed, room 151. All I could remember was looking out my broken window in my room, wishing if I could start over again. My arms where tangled in tubes that pierced my skin. My hair fell down my shoulders, no not my shoulders. Somebody else's. I looked around the room. Across from the bed was a mirror. I sat up slightly wondering what I looked like. My skin was light white, with freckles. I had bright blonde hair and green eyes. What happened to me?? Just then a nurse walked in, she looked at me and the pan she had dropped. "Annalisa?" She said. She looked panicked, like someone who saw a ghost. Was she talking to me?? The nurse ran out of the room comeing back with a doctor. His gray hair scared me. He looked like those crazy scientists, doctors, who do tests on patients. He came to my side, "Annalisa?? Can you hear me?" I just stared at him confused. "Who's Annalisa?" I said. "And who are you?"

The doctor stepped back, I could see tears in the nurses eyes. The doctor looked at her. "At least she's awake" he said. Awake? I say to myself, What's going on??


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8 Reviews


Points: 520
Reviews: 8

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Sat May 04, 2019 9:05 am
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MissDevonshire wrote a review...



I think this could become really interesting. You captured my interest right away and you defenetely make me want to read more. I like that you are thrown into the action the moment you start reading.

The words that you use mostly are very well chosen and the explanations that you do really gives me as a reader a good sense of both outer looks and inner feelings. This however leads med to my first feedback. Explain more! When you do it you do it really well so I think you could hook reader even more if you were to explain things with more detail. What is she wearing? How does the room around her look? And how does she feel? I'd love to know! The idea and story is very intruiging so I think you defenetely could drag it out a little more.

Grammarly I agree with the things Mira has written below. There is also a few words that I (if I haven't missunderstood anything being far from a english grammar expert myself) would change. When you write "wishing if I could start over again", I think that "wishing that I could start over agian would be a better option. I would also suggest "looking out of the broken window in my room" just to get some variation in the sentence. But that is just my personal opinion not a grammar mistake.

I hope you don't find my feedback bringing you down. Cause I really want to point out that you have what is most important. A good story! Other small things can easily be fixed.

Good luck with your story!




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24 Reviews


Points: 250
Reviews: 24

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Fri May 03, 2019 11:25 pm
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Miraculor77 wrote a review...



Hiya!
Mira here for a review.

I'm going to get straight to the point. Right below "Chapter 1," "Annalesa" is written. But in the rest of the chapter, "Annalisa" is written. There are other similar spelling errors, you can find them by just looking through it again.

You should consider italicizing her thoughts because this makes it easier to understand. Also, starting a new paragraph every time someone--especially a new character--speaks, makes the writing clearer. Avoiding double-punctuation (like "??") is also a good idea. It makes the writing seem more professional.

Putting more details into the story about the setting and characters would make it better, too. For example, what kind of hospital is it? What color is everything? What is Annalisa wearing? What does the nurse look like? What is the doctor's voice like? etc.

Now for the fun part: praise.
I really like the direction this story is going; it is short but introduces the idea fairly well. It is a very interesting topic that has potential. And personally, I like green eyes. So, kudos to you!

Keep writing,
Mira

PS: I'm sorry if I seem a bit harsh in the review, I don't mean to! Pretty much everything above is a suggestion, it's up to you if you want to use them.

Please tag me when the next part comes out!




Anma says...


sorry, it was a messy type up. ill fix it.. and thx




I am proud of my self, the reason why some of you might disagree with me a little with, but nevertheless I still proud.
— Oxara