Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Chapter One
Some light cracked through the small area of the window that the faded, stained blinds didn’t cover. It irritated Caleb’s eyes and woke him from his heavy sleeping. He opened his eyes and his head felt heavy. Caleb sat up and pulled the coverless duvet off him. He looked around the room, taking it in as he tried to remember the night before. He saw a small, slightly roughed-up acoustic guitar, his prized possession for years now, observed some jeans, t-shirts and underwear he must’ve discarded on to the floor last night. When he turned his head to the left, he saw the clock on his bedside table displayed “15:00”. He wondered how he had slept this long. Caleb decided that it was pointless trying to recall last night’s events. He reached for the packet of cigarettes and cigarette lighter lying beside his clock. He lit a cigarette and uneasily got out of his bed, then picked his jeans from the floor and struggled to put them on as he felt the morning after effects of what could only be alcohol.
Caleb continued into the next room, his low-budget kitchen and living room, and sat on the only seat available; a bean bag. He looked around the room, trying to wake himself up and saw the table his mother had bought for him. Caleb momentarily thought of his mother, remembering the last conversation that they had. She cried, she told him that he was messing his life up. He shook the thought.
Caleb prepared himself for the outside world, got dressed, and cleaned himself up.
“Let’s do it.” He said, as he splashed cold, refreshing water over his face.
Caleb wore a pair of old and worn dark jeans, a black t-shirt, an equally worn out leather jacket and a pair of converse. As he locked his apartment door, he heard a familiar voice.
“Caleb! How’s your new book coming along?” Katie, his neighbour from across the hall asked. She was an unusual girl, roughly the same age as Caleb, who was always smiling, always in a good mood. Caleb didn’t know much else about her, not even her surname.
“Hello! It’s actually progressing really well.” Caleb lied, smiling. “Thanks for asking, Katie.”
Caleb turned to walk down the hallway, assuming that this was the end of their conversation when she sprung the question on him.
“So, I’m having some friends over later for some drinks and some food. You should call in! I won’t take no for an answer.” Katie insisted, still smiling.
Caleb thought for a moment. It was easier to just say yes, besides, she seemed to be an OK person and if he didn’t like her friends, his own room was just across the hall.
“Sounds like fun.” Caleb said. “What time?”
“Any time after seven is fine.” She said, still smiling. Caleb wondered how she could smile for so long without it hurting.
Caleb gave a friendly nod and continued down the hall way and out the main door to his apartment block, he looked back for a moment and saw Katie unlocking her down while humming and swaying her head in time with the tune. For only a moment, he envied her naïve happiness.
The sun was shining outside and it was appropriately warm. This made Caleb feel better about the day. He reached into the inside pocket of his leather jacket and retrieved a pair of aviators.
“Today is going to be a good day.” He decided as his put his sunglasses on.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Heya Anlon, pretzelsing here for a review,as requested by my friend @godlypopo
Anyways, let's begin, shall we?
Your first paragraph was a bit unappetizing because it was ssssso long to the readers eyes. I would divide it up at least in half.Remember one paragraph=one idea/thought.Also I kind of have another problem with that first paragraph, almost all of your sentences started with: He... and Caleb... I think that you need to add variety,change the sentence structure up,etc.
Okay so I think that this semicolon was misused, because on both sides you need a subject and verb.So here is how it should look like grammatically correct:
s+v ; s+v
Now that ^^ is pretty basic but you get the idea that I am trying to show you,Anlon.
I think that a more complete sentence would be: "He shook his head at the thought."So then he is physically doing something, because we can't see inside his head. Do you see what I mean,Anlon? This makes it sound better.
I have a question about this. What did you mean about the outside world. Does that mean that he is taking a walk outside(in the woods,park,on the sidewalk) or that the outside world is any place outside his house? Maybe you could define that a little bit better,Anlon.
Here are two instances were you described the clothes:
Why did you repeat it and write it twice? Honestly, I really kind of don't care what he is wearing,(an exception is to describe what clothes he wore if he was from an unfamiliar land,or if they had some specific meaning). I would cut one of them out, if I was writing this.
First thing, here is a good place to tell us maybe how old they both are? I mean I would personally like to know, because right now I would get a better mental picture. (I know the difference between a 15 year old and a 25 year old-and it does matter)
That's so hard to believe, in fact I can't believe that statement above ^^. Everyone has their happy and sad days and noone ever is always smiling or in a good mood. That is unrealistic and expecting too much from this character,Katie. So if she is a MC, later in the story when she is sad or not smiling you will contradict yourself. Always isn't the right word to use here. I would use maybe: most of the time or usual or...
What is appropriately supposed to mean? <,< What is the weather/season of this place where is living at? Maybe what time is it? That all will help the readers get a better mental picture of their surroundings.
As a whole chapter, this was very short. I would either make it longer or divide it up like some authors do(Chapter 1.1 Chapter 1.2 Chapter 2.1 Chapter 2.2, etc.). Or just lengthen it. Throughout this whole chapter, I felt like the emotion was kind of missing. How did Caleb feel after waking up? How did he feel when Katie invited him to the party?Here is a must-read article entitled Breathing Emotion into scenes.
Also this first chapter needs to hook us in and get us interested,wanting to read more. I didn't feel that with this chapter. I have read many well-written and many poorly-written chapters. I have to tell you that the first chapters are the hardest ones and worst ones sometimes to write, and I know that you could definitively do better with this.Add life and your personal touch into it.Here is an article that I reccomend reading(for your reference I will rewrite some of these points in here) click here
1.Don't bore your reader-and begin with details about their morning. That is just boring and unecessary.
2.Begin with the true style of your book-don't switch or skip and choose. You just really have to pinpoint and nail down the style of your book and then write that in the first chapter, to truly show how your book is going to be written overall.
Do you understand what I am saying,Anlon?
Anyways, that's it from me. Sorry if I sounded harsh,Anlon,
but I usually never sugar-coat things. If you have any questions,please feel free to PM me. I hope that this review helps you improve your writing and I truly encourage you to keep on writing!A nice, although short, First chapter. You have the basic story line down, you just need to fill in those extra details to make it flow. I would suggest more sophisticated vocabulary like semi colons and dashes to extend those simple sentences. Since this is a first draft, I would suggest annotating it so you can buff it out with descriptions and extra phrases to show the story more than tell it. At the moment we don't know enough about caleb-maybe when making the final version try and show his personality through his actions, his thoughts. I would also recommend giving a description of Katie and beefing out caleb's description to give the reader the clearest image possible.
Anyways, I am curious to see where this goes. Please pm me when the final version is out.
That's all from me,
Godly
Thank you, appreciated
Nice start, however, i'm left with a lot of questions. I liked how you made Caleb a writer as katie implied. We really don't get a writer as a protagonist. The writing felt a little rushed as we're quickly taken from place to place. There is not a lot of detail either. I'm curious as to where this story is going and I hope you continue writing.
Like I said, it's a rough draft, I'm trying to get back into the flow of fiction.. Haven't done it in a while.. I appreciate your comment though
I understand can't wait for the final draft.
Thank you!