Young Writers Society

Heya Prompt!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review for Review Day! Let's get started, now, shall we?

Alright!

Before I start, I'm not quite the best with reviewing poetry, but ya know, challenges are great.

So I did look at the link that you have in the beginning, and I mostly used that to do critiquing. But your words are amazing. Like, the word "sanguine". Like Q said, in the first review you got, I did kinda get thrown off with that word, and I had to search it up just to make sure it was red, lol.

Another thing I adore about your poem here, is that in such few words, you have told us so much more! It's fabulous. I actually have trouble with that, hehe, so I'm quite impressed.

Now I shall start critiquing!

that fall - macabre, austere - and you

Like I said earlier, I followed that link you have up there to do most of the critiquing, and I'd like to say that although this line is one that "pops out", it has two extra syllables. So it has eight instead of six. ^^

with ruffled eye

This part... Honestly confused me. How, exactly, can an eye be ruffled? You could mean this not literally, to get the imagery, but I have no clue how to image that. So maybe just use some other two-syllable word that would describe the "eye".

I shall wrap up my review here now! I hope this review helped in one way or the other. Of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me whenever! I look forward to seeing more from you soon. Keep it up!

And as always...

Keep on writing and Happy Review Day!

~Liberty

Hey Aniwriting!

I think this is a really cool poem--it's a neat form to work with, and it's great that you're trying to worth with iambic meter as well!

Since this is a short poem (as the format dictates), I think the word choice is more important than in longer pieces, and more of my comments will be like that. Feel free to accept or reject any of my suggestions; they're just ideas!

they dive - divine, sanguine

I momentarily forgot that sanguine could also be a shade of red, so it threw me off--I would suggest crimson instead, but I do really like how sanguine fits in with the iambic! So nice thinking about your word choice here. And I also appreciate the similarity of "dive" paired with "divine" back to back here.

Crippled

those leaves from trees, of frost and fright

I think crippled doesn't fit as well in the iambic? Maybe you can play around with other words. Like "deposed" could be interesting, I think!

It's also an interesting shift to go from the imagery of "divine" and "heavenly" and "delight" to "frost and fright"; I can see how the mood changes through your word choice, but I don't really feel a sense of creepiness. I think it's just because "frost and fright" is a little vague, and maybe less precise than the first half of the poem, but I'm not sure.

I think I would try for words like "shadowed" and "quivering" (the latter I think could be applied to leaves/trees but might also convey fear/shivering). I'm sorry that I can't articulate very well why the tone doesn't quite come across in spite of your word choice, but maybe you can just play around with it a little--maybe keeping the line in the same format as the one above restricts it a little and you could experiment with other orders that would help to convey the same meaning.

that fall - macabre, austere - and you

I think you have 8 syllables here and need only 6! Maybe take out one of the two middle words. Also, it's interesting that you have a "you" here--the first half seems more like a command to watch the leaves, and this half feels more passive.

with ruffled eye

I'm not sure how an eye could be ruffled? I'm not sure how you would keep "eye" in here, but I could imagine replacing the whole line with "disconcerted", which might convey some of the same eeriness as a "ruffled" person, and doesn't make the feeling specifically about the eye.

I do enjoy the tone shift you've got going on here, even thought it might need a tad bit of fine-tuning, and I also like the symmetry of the two poems. However, I'm wondering if the symmetry also holds the poem back a little bit. The leaves are falling and they're beautiful, then the leaves are falling and they're a little terrifying. I know this format doesn't leave you a lot of space to work with, but I feel like the second half is in want of some sort of change, breaking away fully from the first half. Like ending with "turn away" (obviously that's not the right number of syllables, but it's just the idea of the words!) would give a reaction to the tone shift: after the leaves turn creepy, "you" turn away from them instead of watching them ceaselessly. I just think something like that might be neat!

This is a really awesome poetic form, though, and it even makes me want to try one out! I'm glad you chose to write it, and I think the "mirror" aspect turned out really well. Feel free to let me know if you have any questions about my review. Good luck with your writing!

-Q