Hey Guys this is my first entry and i hope you like it Ive been working on this for quite sometime. i hope you will enjoy it!
Note to whoever is reading this:
It's a good thing you picked this up, because this journal you're reading right at this moment might or will, save your life. For this journal is a guide to surviving bloodthirsty beasts, the hunters of the night, Vampires.
The year is 2020 and, three years ago, vampires took over man kind. It all happened with a secret science project that the government tried to cover up, went terribliy wrong. They had planned to mix bat DNA with that of a humans, thus making vampires. They were planing to use the vampires in war, as the ultimate weapon on the field. The only flaw of the project was that they started to get hungry, and wanted the only thing that they could live on and that was human blood. Somehow, someway they had got out, and fed on anyone you ever knew or ever loved.
Anyway, this journal you're reading belongs to me, my name is Kathy Mary Anderson, or just 'Kat' for short.
Besides me, I'm traveling with my twelve year old sister, Sarah. We'd both lost our parents, two days after the vampires started to feed. Two vampires had burned down our house so we have no place to call home.
For now, we're both trying to survive to get to a survivors group, an organization called "Anti- Immortals". It's in Florida because of the warm, and hot weather. Sarah had heard a broadcast on the radio, saying if any survivors are out there were welcomed to come. So were headed to Florida now, we're now in the state of Oregon, in a city named Gresham.
If you want to survive in this Vampire Apocalypse, I'd suggest you'd hold on to this. I hope my tips will help you to survive just like they did for me. Once again my names Kat Anderson, and this is my survival guide for vampires.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,807 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
From a scientific point of view, I think this passes the old "there's enough jargon that anyone who doesn't know exactly what is going in could plausibly believe that test". So I think I'll allow a pass there. I do like that you put some effort into actually coming up with a bit of a story there to try and explain things. Not everyone tends to do that, so that's awesome to see. Its also a lovely way of immediately getting the reader's attention here. This is a pretty powerfully phrased opening that you have here.
The phrasing there doesn't fully support the idea of a survival guide at least not a written one. The vibe I'm getting off of this is much more like some sort of vlog rather than anything else, but that's not a bad thing. The casual tone there does make this a bit more enjoyable than a dry guide would be and I think it lends some nice personality to the one writing this as well, so, not a bad start just that you might want to chance a few things depending on whether you really want this piece to sound like the start of a proper honest to goodness guide.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is great, I love the idea of vamps being the official baddies, and not the other way around. This kinda reminds me of that movie Zombieland, which by the by, is a really stupid movie. But I have faith in you, that this won't be stupid. I think everyone pretty much got the nitpics, I'm just here to tell you, that i can't wait for the next installment, I wonder how your going to play this out, good luck.
Addawen
Hello there, and welcome to YWS! I'm still kinda new myself and I love the site!
I really enjoyed this piece and found the whole "Vampire Apocalypse" thing intriguing!
I like how you set up the introduction, you didn't give away too much information, you had just enough to hook readers in!
I can't wait to see how the rest of the story progresses!
~Ally~
Hi there
Welcome to YWS!
A survival guide to vampires sounds like an intersting idea for a story and this story has a lot of potential. However, you'll need to be careful that that's what it is, especially if this is going to be a whole book.
The thing is, this feels like it's trying to be both an introduction to a journal, the introduction to a survival guide and the introduction to a story told in the first person at the same, and they are not the same thing. If I wrote a diary, I wouldn't just write, "Hello, it is the year 2010 and these are the latest political developments" or whatever, I would just write whatever I was thinking at the time, or what had happened in my day. And if I was writing a journal full of tips I would concentrate on that instead of telling people the year and my history. If you want to tell the reader what year it is, why not put a date at the top? That would feel much more natural and fit in with the journal idea.
Also, you've told your character's entire backstory straight away in one paragraph in the introduction. This is quite likely to put the reader off by giving them way too much information all at once. I would suggest just hinting at what happened instead of explaining it straight away so that people want to read on to find out more.
The same with Kat's history. You've told us loads about her and her quest straight away, which makes it seem like you're setting the scene, when in fact it's a survival guide, and therefore doesn't require any scene setting. I think you need to decide what the focus of this is going to be, and if it's going to be mainly giving tips about how to survive vampires then just slip Kat's backstory and quest in as you go along.
So all in all, for an introduction I think this does too much introducing the wrong things and not enough introducing the actual book. The purpose of an introduction to a survival guide is to talk about what it is the book will help you survive and why that thing - vampires in this case - is dangerous. It has to convince people that the book will save their life. Focusing on this would give you an opportunity for a really intruiging introduction and would make people want to read the rest of the book much more, I think.
I hope you keep going with it though because this could become a really good story
Hello, Ani! And welcome to Yws! Trust me, you will love it here. Okay, so first I will go one with my nitpicks before giving my suggestions and comments.
Nitpickies:
The comma in front of "2020" should be taken out and replaced behind "and".
I changed "when" into 'with' because if you say when, their has to be some type of action to back it up. I know that sounds really confusing and vague, so take use this as an example: "It all happened when a secret science project, that the government tried to cover up, went terribly wrong. See what I mean? You need a back up phrase for when. Hope this helped!
The phrase in green makes no sense in the place you have it. I suggest changing it to something different. Personally, I would change it so it says couldn't have, but that's just me.
If you take out "probably", the sentence would sound more meaning.
The phrase that I struck out just cluttered the sentence and should be removed.
All The Rest:
This was good for the little background that we need. I'm interested to see where this will progress into. It seems like an interesting concept and I love "How To Survive" books. I read "How To Survive A Horror Movie" and it was amazing and funny, so, with that said, I would really love if you'd notify me if you post a part two.
#00BF00 ">ReisePiecey!