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Stars and Sun

by AngelSword


"Star... Star..." She paused, staring in awe at the indigo sky of the night.

She raised her arm again and pointed at the silver-dotted firmament, "Star..."

She felt someone lying on the grass next to her, and knew who it was as soon as she smelled the familiar scent of pine. "Dawel, now you find something beautiful in the sky, too," Solana said without moving her gaze from the stars.

He didn't even have to think about it; Dawel stretched his arm inhis wife's direction andwhispered smiling, "Sun."

____________________________

Hello everyone! My name is Angel and this is the first drabble I've ever published in my entire life! **

Solana and Dawel are two original characters of mine: I hope you'll like them! This is just a little taste of what is about to come ;) The name "Solana" derives from the word "Sole" which means "Sun" in Italian ^^

One thing about me: English is not my first language. Italian is x) So, if you find any kind of mistake, please tell me and I'll correct it! Do not rage, please: I get easily scared °^°

Thank you! ♥


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Thu Jul 12, 2012 12:03 am
ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Hey Angel!

I see you're new here, so welcome! I hope you'll enjoy your stay with us here! If you have any questions about, well, anything; or if you want me to review for you any more, then feel free to PM me!

Warning: My reviews tend to come out harsher than I intend them. I'm going to try REALLY hard to be gentle with my pointers; but if I accidentally annoy you, please don't take it personally. Everything (below this point) is said to you as a writer, and not as a person; and none of it's meant to discourage you. :D

*Referring to your introduction*

Solana and Dawel are both interesting names, I like them. Also your English is really good.

BTW, I totally get being nervous. I was SO scared when I published my first work, but it gets easier, trust me.

Also, *most* people on here don't 'rage'. No one on here wants to discourage you. Some people (myself included) are sometimes a bit blunt in their reviews, but there's no harm intended.

*Referring to story*

"She felt someone lying on the grass next to her, and she immediately knew who was it as soon as she smelled the familiar scent of pine tree."~ 'Immediately' and 'As soon' are synonyms, so they shouldn't be used in the same sentence to describe the same thing; also you could drop a few words, since thier meanings are implied. I'm bad at describing things, so I'll give you two examples of what I mean.

"She felt someone lying on the grass next to her, and immediately knew who it was when she smelled the familiar scent of pine." *note I nixed 'she' from between 'and' and 'immediately'; and 'tree' after 'pine'.

~OR~

"She felt someone lying on the grass next to her, and knew who it was as soon as she smelled the familiar scent of pine." *note I still nixed the 'tree' after pine.

Either is fine (and you don't have to use either, of course), though my favorite is the second example.

"...Dawel stretched his arm in the wife's direction..."~ If Solana is HIS wife, you should say it. "...his arm in his wife's direction...".

*Overall Impression*

It's a good story, but a bit short. It's a really good start, but you left us hanging. I still don't know what Solana looks like (i.e. hair color, eye color, height, race) or why she and Dawel are lying and looking at the stars. I'm also interested to find out what Dawel looks like (everything I mentioned with Solana, but add details about facial hair; if he has any).

I hope this hasn't made you angry. I wasn't trying to be mean.

Keep writing!

~Shady





"It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small."
— Neil Armstrong