Screaming, agonizing pain.
No way out through the darkness.
Grabbing, searching, feeling nothing;
only coming up with cold, stale, air.
Hysteria surpassing panic.
Breath coming up way too short.
You're nowhere; in a deep abyss.
You're nothing; not a spirit, or a memory.
Loud and clear is His voice:
"Be calm, my child."
Heartwarming, and life changing.
A light penetrates the Darkness.
The blinding light of glory.
Hope floating through you.
Love fills your soul.
Faith becomes your name.
Saved by the Lamb, and
Forgiven by our Lord.
You are where He needs you;
you are who He made you.
~Comments and reviews appreaciated.
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140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
The theme, and overall concept as per my opinion is good.
The rhythmic pattern, seemed missing, even if you were trying a blank verse.
I'd say, maybe the whole transitions between physical and theoretical descriptions should be an are where you could work.
And also, your descriptions are sometimes very deep and accurate and then on the next line it's very superficial and inconspicuous (mostly exhibited in your first and second stanzas). Maybe you could smoothen that out to help the flow work better.
I'm not sure of how helpful this review will be, but if it helps you in any way, I'd be glad.
Hey!
I don't usually review religious writing because I think it's a slippery slope and things can go wrong very easily, but this poem really caught my attention.
I really like the flow of the poem - it flows smoothly, and carries very strong emotion along with it. The 4th line of the first stanza is one of my favourites - 'cold, stale, air' - the rule of three really does work, and this line proves it. Air, which is usually something essential for our living is suddenly empty and worthless - I love that.
The second line - 'panic filled with hysteria' - I think I'd rephrase that. Panic would be a part of hysteria, not the other way round. Hysteria is uncontrollable emotion, and if you state that it's panic afterwards, you're specifying, which is better.
'Way to short' - I think you mean 'way too short' (?)
The next two lines are also great, the 'you're nothing', but again in a different sense than a negative 'nothing', rather something intangible.
The last two stanzas are near perfect, I love them. The ending is positive, and really hopeful. I am very glad there is a strong and talented believer out there who has such hopes. It's really heartwarming.
Keep up the great work! Loved it!
~polinka
Thank you so much for your review. I think I fixed everything that you commented on. It was great to hear your feedback and I appreciate it immensely. This poem means a lot to me and I am so very glad you like it. I would love to hear your comments on any other things I have written. Thanks again!