Young Writers Society

Hi, Angel! Lee's here for a quick review!


I'm generally not a fan of romance/fluff/smut, but you've written this piece quite well. Your choice of words is pretty impressive, and some lines almost feel like poetry.

the alternating patterns of shimmering light danced on the velvet black background, recalling the unheard memories of lovers who once stood under the same glitter-covered night sky that we see now, thousands of years ago.

This is a rather long sentence, but really beautiful.

A silent soliloquy

A soliloquy is the act of speaking one's thoughts aloud. So a silent soliloquy? Hmm. Not the best choice of words there...

There was something about the way her eyes glowed that played on to the illusion that an entire galaxy was held delicately within them

A truly gorgeous line!

That was the same illusion that I fell for and that illusion was aided in beauty as the remaining droplets of water from the crystal clear lake had dripped from her hair and the upper half of her body as soon as she gently swam up to me by the edge of the lake where I sat at the rocks.

Woah, woah, woah. You gotta shorten this. The sentence is ridiculously long and it isn't poetic really. It just drags on.

- “My beautiful wife.” I replied simply. My reply caused her to blush and giggle a little.


I returned the giggle and smiled more. It was impossible not to smile when I heard her love-filled giggle;

You used "giggle" thrice in quick succession, and it feels a tad repetitive Perhaps you could instead say she gave a tinkling laugh, or something else.

It didn't take long before I was pulled into the water as well.

Why is there an "as well" here? Lilith is no longer in the water, she "emerged" to kiss Xavier... Eh. This is just a nitpick.

Anyway, that's all I have to say! Overall this is exquisitely beautiful in the setting, tone, and diction. Like you said, it's short and sweet.
Keep writing!

~ Lee

Hiya Ashlyn again here for a review!! As always, please keep in mind that this review is not intended to offend you or make your writing look bad!

I felt my own heart soften and overflow with love, passion and admiration for her.

You missed a comma after the word passion ^^ Aside from that, I feel like you could do a less overused description then 'I felt my own heart soften'. But that might be just me ^^

There was something about the way her eyes glowed that played on to the illusion that an entire galaxy was held delicately within them. That was the same illusion that I fell for and that illusion was aided in beauty as the remaining droplets of water

The word illusion is used to much here. Maybe you could find a synonym? Also,I feel like your missing some punctuation.
Aaand that concludes this quick review! Please keep writing <333
BROUGHT TO YOU BY..

Hello there!

Aww this is really sweet. I'm not familiar with the characters, but I think this is a nice look into their emotions and their relationship together. I don't usually like fluff without a build-up into it, but sometimes it's nice to just read something different once in a while.

Let's get into the actual review now~

A silent soliloquy was uttered as the alternating patterns of shimmering light danced on the velvet black background, recalling the unheard memories of lovers who once stood under the same glitter-covered night sky that we see now, thousands of years ago.

I'm a little confused by the wording of this-- a soliloquy is an act of speaking one's thoughts aloud and it's typically used in a play-like setting. Using 'silent' to describe it doesn't really create anything because it doesn't work with the actual meaning of the word. I like the effect it makes though, but I'm still a little unsure of my preference.

I also agree with the other reviewer about sentences being quite long and hard to read. This could be considered one of those I believe.

“You seem spacey, my love. What’s on your mind?” She asked

I'm unsure if she brought up the word spacey because of all of the space-related imagery that happened before, but I really like this. It's romantic without totally overdoing the whole "this sounds like an ancient play" vibe I'm slightly feeling here.

Lastly, I have one more thing to point out, but it can be ignored~

There was something about the way her eyes glowed that played on to the illusion that an entire galaxy was held delicately within them.

I don't like throwing this phrase around because I don't know what it means exactly, but all of these lines before and after this sound like purple prose; when the writing focuses on sounding flowery and elegant so much that it disrupts the actual storyline and reader. I don't know the exact way of classification, but it usually involves overuse of metaphors.

It's typically considered a bad thing, but I don't really mind it that much, especially in a romantic setting like the one showcased here. I do want to bring it up because some people don't like it because of that disrupting feeling that happens, though.

Thank you for teaching me that fluff isn't always overly sappy, haha.

Cheers!

Hello AngelFaceAuggie,
Let’s jump right into the review.

I loved how short and sweet this story is. You made him sound so vulnerable and just deeply in love with his wife. He’s so innocent and pure!

There was something about the way her eyes glowed that played on to the illusion that an entire galaxy was held delicately within them.

It was such a joyful read, thank you for taking the time to write it.


The only suggestion I have for you is to break up your sentences. They tended to be lengthy, making it difficult to read. Like this one for example:

That was the same illusion that I fell for and that illusion was aided in beauty as the remaining droplets of water from the crystal clear lake had dripped from her hair and the upper half of her body as soon as she gently swam up to me by the edge of the lake where I sat at the rocks.

I would break the sentence with a period after “was aided in beauty”. Then I would flip the second sentence, kind of like this: She gently swam up to me by the edge of the lake where I sat at the rocks, she lifted herself up, letting the droplets of water from the crystal clear lake drip from her hair and upper half of her body.

There were a few other sentences that were long, those can be easily fixed with either breaking it up with commas or putting in an apostrophe in the correct place.

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That is all I have for you today! I hope my review was helpful. As always have a great rest of your day and keep on writing. <3
Stellarjay