Published November 1, 2005
Glistening stars in the sky
Reflect in your glittering eyes.
Your breath so warm
As you hold me tight.
This silent moment, with just you and me
There is nowhere else i'd rather be.
But we are not allowed to be together
That is why you have to go,
And you need to know
No one will let us be with each other
So please just walk away
But one thing i need to say is,
I love you.
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Em, it's pretty good; I like the image, but I do have a few critiques
Stars in the sky (an okay start, but if you described the sky and stars, maybe might a little more powerful)
Reflect in your eyes. (nice image)
Your eyes so warm (You repeat eyes here, so I suggest saying 'your gaze so warm')
As you hold me tight. (good)
This silent moment, with just you and me
There is nowhere else i'd rather be. (I like the little rhyme here)
But we are not accepted together (em, accepted seems a little awkward.. maybe a better verb might help)
That is why you have to go,
And you need to know
No one will let us be together (you repeat together here... a different word would be good)
So please just walk away
But one thing i need to say is,
I love you. ( I like the last few lines... nice job)
It didn't have an amazing amount of depth or imagery, but it was a good, little poem. Could be more powerful, but it was pretty good. Keep writing
Stars in the sky *no comma necessary*
Reflect in your eyes *period maybe?*
Your eyes light up so bright *somewhat awkward*
As you hold me so tight *don't overuse the word "so"*
This silent moment, with just you and me
There is *nowhere* (one word) else I'd rather be.But you have to go, *why? is it late, is it something I said, do you have another appointment?*
And you need to know
No one will let us be. *let us be what? do you mean like, leave us alone? or let us be together?*
So walk away *perhaps, So just walk away*
But one thing I need to say is; *perhaps "must" instead of "need to" -- also, did you mean to use a semicolon ??
I love you.
I do like it! Just needs to be a little more smooth and clear
Try using some stimulating/interesting nouns/verbs/phrases to convey more feeling in the poem
mkay :thumb:
-Amice-