Hey there, Ang190! clogs here for a Review Day review!
This poem feels a little unorganized to me right now. Maybe try splitting it up into stanzas. That might make it a little more appealing to the eye. Right now it's kind of hard to read, and it might help you organize your ideas a little more. To get stanzas in the YWS publisher, you have to either split them up with little punctuation (like ---) or press "shift" with "enter".
I think that this poem's greatest strength is its irony. This topic has been written about a LOT, so I think that the irony was your way of bringing your own unique voice to this subject. Unfortunately, I think it came across as too heavy-handed for some parts of the poem. It starts off strong, with these lines:
Would you like to buy the key to eternal happiness?
No, it doesn't cost much.
Just your individuality, most of your money, and any self respect that you might have.
It's not exactly subtle with these lines, but it's not heavy-handed either. It leaves the reader to figure out that there's irony, instead of explaining it. You didn't keep that up for the rest of the poem though, because it started to feel a little bit too on-the-nose. It gets less and less subtle throughout the whole poem. I think that this part in particular suffered from this:
Yes, fine. I did lie. You will still be miserable,
but at least people will think you're happy.
Here, you were essentially telling the reader, "Yo, this whole poem is ironic", and you really didn't need to. The reader can figure out that there's irony, believe me. You don't need to tell us, because then it kinda feels like you're insulting our intelligence. I think that the best kind of irony is obvious enough that the reader gets it and appreciates it, but subtle enough that the author doesn't have to wave it around in our faces and say "LOOK AT THE IRONY!"
I think this might make a good slam poem, because then the sarcastic tone could work really well when people are actually saying it. But even then, you wouldn't need to tell the reader/listener about it; they would interpret it for themselves.
The punctuation is a little off-kilter in places, although overall you did a good job with it. For instance, in this line:
How could you not begging to have this key to joy.
I feel like that should be a question mark at the end, not a period. There are a couple other instances of iffy punctuation, but I'm not going to sit here and point them all out to you, because I feel perfectly confident that you can go through it and fix those things. Remember, the punctuation should always feel natural when you're reading it to yourself.
The imagery is okay, but the lack of it is mostly covered up by the abundance of sarcasm. But why can't you have a poem with good imagery and sarcasm? For instance, in these lines:
You look different from everyone else,
you wear different clothing than everyone else,
you talk different from everyone else,
How about telling us exactly how this person is different? Don't just say they "wear different clothing", talk about how they're "the only fandom t-shirt in a sea of brand-name clothing" or something! Adding imagery like that can strengthen your poem and make a better image in the reader's mind. Here's a Knowledge Base article about imagery that will go more into detail:
Imagery
Overall, I did like this poem! Again, I think the irony is really what made it strong. I hope this review helped in some way! Keep on writing, and happy Review Day!
Points: 3742
Reviews: 274
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