Young Writers Society

Hey there!

I saw you mentioned this was a dream you had, so that cleared some things up for me! The story was abrupt, vague, and confusing, similar to a dream. However, I do think it is interesting this was all a dream. It was action-packed and scary(?) at times, which is very different from my dreams. xD

But getting into it.
We start off with a lovely chase scene. I like how you drop us right into the action; the mention of "guns" does trigger a sense of thrill and fright inside, which adds to it. While the narrative is fast-paced, as it should be, and everything moves along rather rapidly, as it should, I was still bothered by a few aspects of this. The narrator slams into a door and falls to the ground, but no mention is made on whether these things hurt him. No scratches? No bruises? No watering of eyes? He jumps up and continues running as if this did not affect him at all. My question is: how is he not out of breath or feeling fatigued, considering we jumped into this story with him already running? And how is he feeling? Is he terrified? Excited? Ready to go home and cry in his mother's arms?

Peering over my shoulder, I see them making the left to continue following me. Where am I going to go?? In a moment of adrenaline, I make a beeline to the next set of stores.

This is one instance where we are allowed into his thoughts and I like it. More of this would be beneficial. Again, I realize this was a dream of yours, thus, it is difficult to get the full details, but it would add some flavor. While too much description in a chase scene can weigh it down and take the excitement away, I think casual mentions and thoughts here and there would be worthwhile.

The girl in the dress was random, though I would have liked to know more about her or, at least, seen more of her. Since such a vivid description was painted of her (white dress, pink tie, brown hair, lovely face) and even of the cars, I think a partial description would be nice for the men chasing our guy. The reader truly does not know anything about them.

I felt rather lost during the car chase. While some specific details were inserted, that is exactly how they felt. Inserted. Rather than an integral part of the story. I'm sure you have heard of the phrase "Show, don't Tell". It means instead of simply telling what happened, one shows the story by working out the details, emotions, and language. I would have liked to see more of that during the car chase. The sudden switch from day to night, and night to day, did not seem significant to me or impact the story at all. I am sure you could make something significant out of it, however. In addition to this, the narrator viewing himself in third person, then becoming himself, then switching once more, seemed strange, as well. I would not say it was insignificant, but it was odd. Concerning the conclusion of the story, I am not sure what to make of it.

My final thoughts on this are that while dreams can be exciting and curious on their own, they often need added details and drama to make them into a story. This was, overall, a very interesting dream of yours! But it needs a little work to stand as its own story.

Thank you for sharing, and have a wonderful day!
rosette ~

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Harry, here to leave a review.

First Impression: Well this started of as quite an epic chase sequence, got a little weird in the middle but then it ended with a really fun little twist. I think I quite like it so far. But I will get into more details down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

There--There I was running. I was running through a small shopping center. Running down the sidewalk with the stores to my left and the parking lot to my right. Bam--A door opens right into my face. I hit the door hard and came to a complete stop from my dead sprint. I fall to the ground and look over my shoulder and see them getting closer. Then I see it--guns. They have guns in their hands.

Ouch, quite a start there, getting right to the action. Love the bit of description there for the setting here and then cutting straight to the action really does a good job getting the reader's attention so this is a great start.

I hop to my feet and continue running. Running faster than I ever ran before. I hit the end of the row of the store and hit a left running down the edge of the building. Peering over my shoulder, I see them making the left to continue following me. Where am I going to go?? In a moment of adrenaline, I make a beeline to the next set of stores. I cut right across the parking lot, cutting in front of two different cars. Both stopped slamming their brakes, but this did not stop me. I kept running. The two people were closing behind me.

Okay, so far its going really well, enough detail for us to figure out what's going on but not enough to slow the pacing. Good chase scene so far.

They see me. I stop. They both aim their guns at me. I sprang to my right and trip. I tripped on a pile of gravel? I tripped on a two-foot pile of gravel? Huh, why is this here? Then in a snap of a second, I heard four gunshots. Bam, Bam, Bam--Bam. All hit the storefront above me. The glass comes crashing down. I cover my head as it falls. Then I hear the two people’s footsteps running towards me. Once again hoping to my feet and running.

Oooh, this just continues to get better. Captures the confusion of such a scene really well here. Great job there.

I see a girl at the end of the sidewalk. She is in a white dress that goes down to her knees. It has a soft pink color trim on the end of her sleeves and the bottom of her dress. The same color pink was wrapped around her waist. I could not see her face, but she had very dark brown hair that went down just past her shoulders. She looks over at me and I see her face, she is lovely. A very pretty girl that is my age. I feel a connection with her, like the many times I have seen her before, only this time she is wearing this lovely white dress.

Oh dear...not quite sure if that happens when you're chased by gunmen but okay, benefit of the doubt.

Bam--another gunshot. I catch up to her and she starts running. She says nothing, but I know to follow her, she knows the way to escape. We run around the building and cross over to another set of stores. This one is an L-shape, but the bottom corner of the L, is just a covering allowing you to walk under it. We run through that and get to a car. A small dark gray almost green Abarth 595. We hop in,

So this person just jumped right into a stranger's car?

She gets into the front left sit and I get into the small back row, sitting in the middle seat. I can see through the whole windshield. As we have done many times before I will end up driving from this spot. I control the car without controlling it the normal way people drive. I move the car forwards, and I look behind to see the people get into their car. They start shooting again. Bam--Bam--Bam.

Okay, that makes it sound like its not a stranger, that's fine....maybe a little more warning next time because it sounded kind of like a stranger...and that's quite a fun way to drive a car...I guess with some kind of superpower? Maybe?

I gun it, revving the small engine as high as it goes. We are off. The chase will continue now via vehicles.

The last part kind of sounds like a stage direction, not gonna lie, a little weird to bit in a story.

I drive under the covering of the bottom part of the L, in hopes, their car will not fit. I look back and they got their large 1973 Cadillac Fleetwood. In their large Cadillac, they managed to get it under the covering and continued to chase us. I look back and continue driving. It has turned to night now--as it does most of the time. I drive up onto the main road.

A little too much detail there putting the name of the car, that disrupts the flow of things a little.

We have arrived in the middle of the city--a city with no name and no possible way to end up in it, but here we are. The girl in the front left seat is: calm, cold, and collective. I drive up a two-lane road and make a left onto the main drag of the city. A huge four-lane road. I drive down the main road as I have done many times in many different cars, but always with the girl. I drive down to a road I have turned down many times. I make the left turn, dodging front of three cars, and hammer it down the road.

Okay now its starting to get a touch confusing because it looks we're just heading into this random transition to this city scene without paying much attention to the car chase.

It has turned to day and the city turns into part of I-95 going towards the Philadelphia Airport towards Philly. There is a traffic light--it is red--but I ran it. All of a sudden there is all this construction. There is a small hill on the right of this part of I-95--which is not there in real life-- and the sun is shining over the small hill. There is a bridge a quarter of a mile ahead of us, with a small yellow crane right in front of it. I see there is only one lane open and it is clear. It is clear! This is the chance to lose the two people.

Okay a little lost now with how far this chase has gone but at least it looks like we're headed for an interesting conclusion to said chase so that's a good thing.

I push the car to go faster than it should ever go. The adrenaline is pumping through my veins, but the girl still remains calm. We pick up speed faster and faster; approaching the bridge and record-breaking speeds.

Not quite sure what the large part means.

Time has paused to allow me to think and reflect on this. Within a moment of time, time unpauses and we hit the concrete barrier at 98 mph. Bam-- the small car hits the barrier. I fly forwards between the front two seats and smash through the windshield. As I go through the windshield, I go into a third-person view of the scene. I can see the car get flatten like a pancake and part of the car went over the barrier, I notice the girl is gone. She always disappears before the end, but I know she is gone and safe as she always is.

Well that was a very interesting car crash and pretty realistic with the damages to the car and the two people in it although it looks like a bunch of other magical stuff is involved in this.

I have switched into the third person again and see as my body is impaled by the piece of rebar and then watch and my upper body is ripped from my lower body. There was enough momentum to cause it to rip my body apart. My upper body continues to fly for 15 feet before it hits the ground and stops moving.

Well that will definitely leave a mark.

I am there looking at my body. My loser body speared on the piece of rebar bleeding out and then saw my upper body with my spine sticking out and blood everywhere. My organs leak out from both parts of my body. Most are still in one piece and you can clearly see all the different organs.

I can feel the immense pain of it all and within a moment it goes black. It is over. I have died once again.

I have been chased once again, I have might the girl once again, I have tried to escape once again, and I have felt pain once again, and I have died--died once again.

Well looks like our protagonist here is stuck in a particularly vicious time loop, poor guy.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a fun read. Its gotta a few places it needs to improve at but for the most part it looks pretty good and the story seems really intriguing too. Anyways that's all I gotta say.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry