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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Grace in Diction

by AndrewRayne


A poem should be a disconnection between memory and experience, 

kindred calms and panic moments.

A departure on winds of flame underneath the tinder,

of dark skies. 

Single verses should find salvation against the whistling scythe. 

Not to be dismissed in disgrace, 

nor composed as the central mark of all eyes only to have perception overlook its genius. 

I would believe such prose could turn sight inward, 

gone down into their hearts to see what they can remember. 

I would invite the lyrics of melodic voids to bear

witness to it. 

This motionless expression of poetry.

The seed of which can carry passion on wings ablaze with day dreams, 

while its shadow

following due course, would cast the sky into purple dusk as 

solitary souls sang eulogies to the stars. 

Nothing is deceived in the speech of scriptless verse,

of imperfect sounds.

The distinguished mentor and welcoming listener, 

still whisper the melodies what must be heard, to invisible audiences. 

Finding satisfaction in expressing the mortality that is,

the regrettable console of eternity. 

The art of pain,

the ever lasting love, 

the glory of "what could come next" and how skies could be so inclined to beautiful brilliance,

if not so divided by different hues of blue.

Alas, I digress, and rather acquaint myself with a universal cataract...

Of cut flowers, 

and the forgotten worth of silence.


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Fri Mar 27, 2015 10:59 pm
AndrewRayne says...



Good afternoon Readers. To the contrary of structure I have reformed this piece so that may visualize as more a poem than a literary essay. :) I hope you find this rework more complimenting and continue to find joy in its language.

Have a wonderful day and thank you for all the praise. It has been more than appreciated. :)




Mea says...


Ooh, I like the changes!



AndrewRayne says...


Appreciated. :)



TiffanyToy says...


Before even reading this, which I plan to do so in the near future, I just wanted to say that I love the shape of the poem.



AndrewRayne says...


Thank you kindly. :)



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Thu Mar 26, 2015 10:29 pm
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TiffanyToy wrote a review...



Hey!

Welcome to YWS!

This is an awesome piece to be able to say you have written!

I love how the first line is about poems in general but then you slid into a poem of your own. This was beautiful. I am NOT sappy but this truly was magnificent! Great job!

But, you added a lot of adjectives and I am not sure if all of those were to make a point or just to show just how much talent you bleed. :D In any case, though, the words seem to flow very, very well and I am amazed at such talent!

I wouldn't call myself smart at all because the words you used seemed so professional and so ... BIG! Nonetheless, I loved this piece!

A poem should be a disconnection. Between memory and experience, kindred calms and panic moments.
Here, I think you should connect the first two lines. They just sound choppy. Maybe change the last part of the second sentence to..."Memories and experiences of diverse things such as kindred calms and panic moments." I am not sure. Make it your own. I'm not here to choose for you.

find salvation against the whistling scythe.

departure on winds of flame underneath the tinder of dark skies.

invite the lyrics of melodic voids to bear witness

seed of which can carry passion on wings ablaze with day dreams
This line, I especially admire. I like the metaphorical tone to it.
cast the sky into purple duck as solitary souls sang eulogies to the stars

satisfaction for itself in expressing the mortality that is the regrettable console of eternity

the art of pain


These phrases are only a few of the very original and very, very poetic and I'd like to take a moment a commend you on how well put together this piece is!

But, the last two lines? They confuse me a little. Can you explain, please? Sorry. It's truly not you or your piece, it's me and my lack of understanding. Thanks!

This is extraordinary! Perfect job!

Keep writing!!,
~Tiff




AndrewRayne says...


I appreciate kind to the praise. Thank you. :)
And to answer your question the last two lines are accesss to the second stanza. Cut flowers being the lost art of poetry we find lost in music. And of course the worth in just reading in silence poetry. It is a universal cataract because all around the world we are slowly forgetting the importance of poetic language.

Anymore questions feel free to ask. :)



TiffanyToy says...


Ok! Thanks for clearing that up for me!!



AndrewRayne says...


Changed it up, as well as the others. Please tell me what you think. :)



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Thu Mar 26, 2015 3:12 pm
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Morrigan wrote a review...



Hello again, AndrewRayne,

I don't really know what to say about this. I feel like it's a bit of a repeat of the last poem I read of yours, identical in tone, only different in subject. I think you did a better job of including the poetic in this one, but still, there are a few things that I think you could change to make this better.

The thing is with your imagery is that it gets lost between strings of little, insignificant words. Look at these:

So as not to be

only to have those

And there would be nothing to be

of that which we need to hear to

if not so

It's all in there, all this beauty, yes, but it's lost because you use too many connecting words. I find that very interesting, as one of the first statements you make is that "a poem should be a disconnection."

Also, get rid of all this passive voice and these should be's and woulds. "To be" signals a sentence in passive voice, and it should be avoided when writing. Instead of using the infinitive, try using stronger verbs in their place.

On your philosophy:
It is interesting that you think poetry is a disconnection. For me, it has always been about making connections between things that have no connection before. It draws lines that other people can ride and think in new ways, and yet, you think it is the opposite.

And I understand that you are talking about the distance that comes with it, but within disconnection comes connection. As you disconnect yourself from emotions, poetry connects the silence with the poetry, and so, your disconnection becomes a connection.

I hope this helped in some way. Happy YWSing!




AndrewRayne says...


I hope these changes compliment your critiques. :)



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Thu Mar 26, 2015 8:59 am
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Dracula wrote a review...



It's pretty cool how you wrote a poem... about poetry. Because even though some might call it an essay, it is indeed poetry that you've written. The imagery, metaphors and long sentences which would confuse a lot of people make this an awesome read. Of course, poetry is different to every person, but I love the way you've described it. Especially the disconnection and day dreams. Write more. :)




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Thu Mar 26, 2015 2:31 am
ccwritingrainbow wrote a review...



This is a very thought out, short essay you have here. If you had to do this for a class assignment, I hope you did a very good job on it. Poetry takes patience and understanding in order to appreciate it. And what you mean by disconnection could be that you just block reality throughout reading and just picture this world that the worlds of the poetry are creating. It doesn't struck the head as it does the heart. I really hope you have another interesting short essay. I enjoyed reading this one.




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Wed Mar 25, 2015 11:07 am
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OlgaB wrote a review...



Hello!
I found your thoughts of poetry and literature in general really attractive and deep. You used a lot of metaphors, and that made the text even more exquisite.
I may suggest you reading Laocoon: An Essay on the Limits of Painting and Poetry by Gotthold Ephraim Lessing, if you haven't discovered it yet. It reveals a lot of interesting things about literature and art. Maybe, you'll find it interesting.
Keep on creating such philosophical works!




AndrewRayne says...


A fan of Lessing! :D It's not everyday he is brought up on casual conversation, so the sentiment is even more moving. Thank you. :)



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Wed Mar 25, 2015 3:13 am
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donizback wrote a review...



Hello there! Donizback here for a review.

Welcome to YWS. I am sure you'll have a great time here! If you need anything, just let me know :)
Anyway, let's go further and write a review now!

May I know what it really is? I doesn't really seem poetry to me! :(
It might be because it is modern poetry and I am kind of, still, stuck with the 17th century style of writing!

It was good - but just that, it wasn't poetry to me. Did you have any trouble trying to edit it? I am sure many new users have this problem (at least, when I was new, I had this problem!). I think moderators should work on making the editing part a bit more user-friendly.
Anyway, where are the stanzas? I am sure you messed up with the structure and editing of it. Do let me know if you need help on that part.

There are some minor grammatical and punctuation errors in there. I am sure an expert will help you with that. Believe me, I am not really good at that part.

Well, that's all I have to say. Keep writing and do let me know if you need any help. Have a good day!




AndrewRayne says...


I will give you just credit that free verse isn't the stereotypical structural pretense we give to what poetry is. But I will say that to the narrative poet, free verse is more liberating than any of the other styles. I'll also go as far to say that my stanzas are not structured as many other works are, but is it not the little differences that bridge the new from the same. Regardless of how great a prose can be, it goes only so far if done before. I'm not saying I'm entirely original by any means. And Elliott does warn us that a verse is not free if you wish to do a good job. But I feel something more than writing the standards of haikus, odes, ballads and even blank verse has developed into some petty image of what it should and should not be.

The very fact that, though justified and rightly so, this piece aims to rid the critiques fire that burns everything beyond the comprehension of what we hold as absolutes and fact only further supports my claim. It doesn't seem like poetry to you. All poetry is, is an expression. However it is done, as long as it is done with passion.

As a guiding principle I believe that every poem must be its own sole freshly-created universe, and therefore have no belief in 'tradition' or a common myth-kitty or casual allusions in poems to other poems or poets, which last I find unpleasantly like the talk of literary understrappers letting you see they know the right people.'

- Philip Larkin




This looks like a really bad episode of Green Acres.
— David Letterman