i tell Mary i am not
afraid of dying
but i’ve been lying to her all this time
i tell Mary we
should’ve never had Robin
he’s a burden to me
i realized this when
we were playing a game
he was a swan named Lolly and i was a wolf
he wanted me to eat him
i pretended to be
fooled by Lolly the swan’s wit
i pretended to be fooled by the son i hate
a son who is proof,
proof i can now never throw my life away anymore
or maybe i can,
but then i’d be one of those people,
whose sons & daughters grow up
to weave fictional versions of their dads
for comfort
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139,787 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
Hi there! Very first review here, I sort of do understand your story but it's very hard I had to read it a few times. First of all your I's are not captibizd. I honestly hope this is not a real story with you in it, I do agree with twilight about the "proof I can now never throw my life away anymore" you should remove now. I think you should tell your story a bit more. Get what I'm saying? And the part "and he wanted to eat me" I think you should remove the "and" also this very terrible which I hope this is not you. So you might wanna step up.
P.s this is my first review ever, so sorry if I sounded rude
Hi there! Very first review here, I sort of do understand your story but it's very hard I had to read it a few times. First of all your I's are not captibizd. I honestly hope this is not a real story with you in it, I do agree with twilight about the "proof I can now never throw my life away anymore" you should remove now. I think you should tell your story a bit more. Get what I'm saying? And the part "and he wanted to eat me" I think you should remove the "and" also this very terrible which I hope this is not you. So you might wanna step up.
P.s this is my first review ever, so sorry if I sounded rude
Right off the bat, I thoroughly enjoyed the first line of the poem. It sums up the subject matter the reader expects, but also opens many possibilities for the rest of the poem and made me curious as to which direction you'd take the story in. The story itself was very intriguing and I appreciated the metaphor of the swan and wolf. The use of first person brought insight into the wolf's mind, obviously, but I thought it was the proper route to go on to tell the story. The name Lolly interested me and made me question if it held a deeper meaning. In the sense of the lollipop, perhaps? To symbolize a child and innocence? Maybe just your choice? Either way it caught my attention.
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My only critique is that you use a different word for 'proof' the second time you say it. I realize you were reinforcing the word and finishing the idea stated in the line previously above it, but maybe a new word would deliver the same idea but with a slightly new point of view depending on the word you chose to replace it with. Same case with 'pretended'- if you wish though of course.
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The final stanza, the last two lines especially, really hit home. I completely understood what you were saying and felt the impact of the words and the meaning they embraced. Overall, good job and definitely a solid poem. Have a good day!
Ok wow I don't really know how to respond to this. I feel pretty bad for your son to be honest if you really view him as some burden you just have to deal with. And the fact that you "hate" your own son. I'm sorry but that's disgusting. Now, since I can't really let my opinion fly on this because we aren't speaking face to face and I don't know the whole story, I'll stick to a literary analysis from here on.
this line is garbled and difficult to read. you should probably get rid of "now" and "anymore". It would flow much better.I like the way this is worded. I hate that it might actually be the situation you're considering placing your son in, but it was worded well. So good job.
Now, get off the computer and go spend time with your son. Honestly, you're a father, step up.