z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Brothers

by Anabelle


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

The phone calls, emails, and texts hadn't stopped for days. When the town got word that Samuel Whitmore had finally proposed to Avery Buchanan, the two couldn't walk down the street for five minutes before getting, yet another, congratulations.

"Samuel! Avery! How are you guys? Oh, my! What a beautiful ring. May I?" asked Mrs. Hamilton. She had known Samuel for most of his life and was one of the few people that had seen his relationship with Avery grow through the years.

"Oh, sure!" Avery quickly uncrossed her petite arms and held out her left hand to show off the diamond. It sparkled in the morning light on her tan skin and stood out even more against her deep red nail polish.

"Beautiful! I am so happy for the two of you. I'm guessing I'll see you at the Whitmore house tonight for your engagement party?" Mrs. Hamilton asked.

"Yes, ma'am. You know my mom; she's already begun to decorate." Samuel answered with a laugh.

"Oh, I'm sure everything will be just lovely! I'll see you two tonight." With a pinch on Samuel's cheek, Mrs. Hamilton shuffled away.

"Don't you think it's a little strange that some of these people seem almost more excited than we are?" Avery asked with a smirk.

"Well, we've been dating ever since our junior year of high school. They're probably glad to finally see me put a ring on it." replied Samuel. He looked down once again to admire his fiancé. He sometimes wondered if Avery had any idea how beautiful she looked in that exact moment. As they walked down the streets of their quaint town, Crystal Springs, he took all of her in. Her heeled boots lightly clicked on the concrete and she giggled every time her dark hair got stuck in her lip gloss when the wind blew. With her right arm tucked around his left, she absentmindedly traced circles on his wrist as they walked through the newly fallen leaves.

"What're you staring at? Did my hair get stuck again?" she asked while quickly feeling around her mouth and grabbing invisible pieces of hair.

"No, no. Your hair is perfect." he answered as he pulled her hand away from her face. "You're perfect. God, how did I get this lucky?"

With a confused laugh, Avery said, "How did you get this lucky? Sam, every woman in this town under the age of 40 wants to have you. Actually, I take that back. I saw the way Mrs. Hamilton looked at you and she's like 65, so let's just say every woman in this town period."

"Mrs. Hamilton? She's known me since I was in the fourth grade! You're lying." Samuel said while rolling his eyes.

"Whatever, I saw it. It's just a shame that you don't have an equally sexy brother to be the new Whitmore bachelor." teased Avery as she dramatically leaned into his shoulder.

"Now, that would be interesting. Two Whitmore boys? I think I'll stick to being an only child... more presents on Christmas." he replied with a wink.

Samuel and Avery walked into the small café they ate breakfast at every Saturday morning and took a seat at their usual spot. Upon seeing a Whitmore enter, the waitress rushed over to them and immediately asked if there was anything she could do for the two. Avery took in a long, slow breath and stared at the small yellow table, eyebrows raised. She still couldn't get over the attention Sam and his family got everywhere they went.

The Whitmores had upheld a respectable and prestigious reputation for hundreds of years - ever since their ancestors founded Crystal Springs. They were undoubtedly the wealthiest family in town and everywhere they went, people went out their way to be accommodating. That was the only drawback of being in love with a Whitmore - you were expected to lead a picture perfect life and carry on the distinguished family legacy.

Avery's family, on the other hand, were the complete opposite. The Buchanans lived in a modest bungalow home with colorful wildflowers sprouting all around the house while the windows stayed open, allowing the curtains to blow in the breeze. Avery's single mother, Starla, spent her free time painting and baking while her two older brothers ran the bar they owned just a few blocks from their home. Avery had always been content with her life in Crystal Springs, but she longed for adventure. She wanted to explore the world, eat exotic foods, dance to different music, and break away from anything and everything she had ever known.

Once the waitress finally took their orders and left them alone, Samuel turned to Avery. "Okay, so before the party tonight, I think I'm gonna go early and take care of some things at my parent's house. That okay with you?"

"Yeah, sure." answered Avery. "Does your mom need help setting up or something? I'll be glad to come with you and help out with anything."

"No. No, its fine. Um, we just need to take care of something as a family." Samuel replied.

"Okay... So, do you just want me to come when the party starts?"

"Yeah. That's okay, right? We don't need to walk in together or anything? Am I missing something?" Samuel asked.

"No, yeah! That - that's fine. It's just a silly engagement party." Avery replied while waving her hand in the air. "I'll just come with Aiden and Austin. I think they're closing the bar early today for the party, so they'll be free."

"Great! Thanks, babe. Oh, look! I think this is our food."

<>

Avery could hear the clink of champagne glasses as she rushed up the steps of the Whitmore's mansion.

"Shit! They've already made the toast. Guys, his mom is going to kill me. Come on!" Avery called to her brothers.

"Hey, you're the one that had to change your dress like four times." Aiden teased. They reached the top of the stairs and he gave her a quick kiss on the head. "You look beautiful, sis. As always."

"Thank you." she said with a smile. "Austin, you all right?"

"Yeah... Yeah, I'm... great." he replied between labored breaths. "Why do they need so many damn steps just to get to the front door? It must be a pain in the ass to go get the mail and come back every morning."

"I wouldn't be surprised if Mrs. Whitmore has staff specifically assigned to carrying her up these steps." snorted Aiden.

"Ha ha. Very funny, guys. C'mon, let's go." Once Avery pushed open the two gigantic oak doors and looked around, she stood frozen. She was immediately overcome by the sweet smell of lavender and vanilla mixed with the scent of the hundreds of white tulips spread throughout the house. The endless strings of round bulbs hanging from the ceiling and wrapped around the grand staircase cast a golden glow that made the atmosphere feel intimate and romantic. The room was filled with the sound of soft music that came from the live pianist playing in the corner and the air was toasty warm to make up for the autumn chill in the night.

"Wow. You think I'd be used to Whitmore parties by now, but this is just... Wow!" Aiden exclaimed. As the tuxedo wearing servant walked by carrying a tray of champagne glasses, Aiden picked two up and turned to his siblings. "Time to find me a lovely lady to share these drinks with." he said with a wink. He twirled around and started to make his way through the crowd.

"Hey! I'm right there with you, bro!" Austin called to Aiden. "Sorry, Ave. He needs a wingman." With a squeeze of her shoulder and a kiss on her cheek, Austin left Avery standing alone as she watched him follow their brother through the crowd. Avery started to make her way through the guests as well to find Samuel when she heard a voice behind her.

"Little late, aren't ya?"

Avery spun around with a confused look on her face. "Excuse me?" she asked.

"I said you're late. The party started nearly half an hour ago." the mysterious man replied.

He had a gleam in his deep blue eyes like he was amused and he stared Avery down as he sipped his drink. She had never seen this man before and definitely didn't remember having him on the guest list for the party. He clearly didn't get the message that this was a black tie event, because his dark jeans and long sleeved gray shirt made him stand out among the other well dressed guests. She could tell he at least attempted to style his dark brown hair, but it ended up looking half tousled and half bed head.

"And who are you?" Avery asked as she crossed her arms and tried to return the same look he was giving her.

"Oh, just an old friend of the soon to be groom. Who are you?" he asked with a playful smile on his pink lips.

"The soon to be groom's soon to be wife." Avery sharply responded. The man looked stunned as he took a step back.

"You mean, you're Avery Buchanan? The woman that's about to marry Samuel Whitmore... is you?" he asked, seeming dumbfounded.

"Yeah? Are you disappointed or something? I mean, you came to our engagement party and you didn't even know who Sam was marrying?" Avery said.

"Well, I just - I mean, I didn't expect his fiancé to be so... not his type."

"So, now you're trying to tell me that I'm not my fiancé's type? Okay, who the hell are you?" Avery demanded as she took a step towards him. The man was about to answer when he was interrupted by Samuel approaching. He put his hand on Avery's back and his blue eyes were wide as he frantically looked between the man and Avery.

"Hey, Sam! I was just talking to your fiancé. Wow, she is gorgeous." said the man. He had the same taunting gleam back in his eyes and he slapped Sam on the shoulder. "Well done!"

"Samuel, who is this and why is he acting like he's known you forever? Who let him into our engagement party?" Avery asked in a hushed tone.

Sam took in a deep breath and slid his hand off her back. He stared into her eyes for a few seconds before turning back to the man as he spoke. 

"Avery, this is uh - this is my brother. Hudson."

To be continued...


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Fri Jul 11, 2014 8:33 pm
ChipsMcCoy wrote a review...



Hello, Chips here with a review, as requested :)

Firstly, I liked how informative you were on this piece, it really gave the reader understanding on what's going on in this story. The characters seemed like realistic people and the flow of events worked well, generally.

"The phone calls, emails, and texts hadn't stopped for days."

I thought this opening could have been stronger or rephrased. It's a bit too general, you didn't really need to include all sources of communication. Perhaps, *There were endless phone calls and emails during that week and still hadn't stopped*.. Something along those lines.

"Oh, sure!" Avery quickly uncrossed her petite arms and held out her left hand to show off the diamond. It sparkled in the morning light on her tan skin and stood out even more against her deep red nail polish."

Here, although the descriptions were good, there was simply too many of them in detail in too much depth. Maybe just keep the vital parts to show her character here?

"No, no. Your hair is perfect." he answered as he pulled her hand away from her face. "You're perfect. God, how did I get this lucky?"

This was cute, verging on cliche so maybe less prep in Sam's character, he can still say cute sayings if that's part of his character but it seems like every male role is like this, which can be developed.

"That was the only drawback of being in love with a Whitmore - you were expected to lead a picture perfect life and carry on the distinguished family legacy."

Here, the popular type love- wealthy family- not so wealthy significant other has been overdone but never fear there is potential here! You could begin to show the cracks slightly within the Whitmore family, slightly foreshadowing it with hints to show they're not so perfect.

"Sam, every woman in this town under the age of 40 wants to have you."

The reference to "40" here leads me to think that this may not be a young couple since there is a wide age range up to 40, so this made the joke of, "65" less funny so I'd lower the age reference to "30" But that's just a nitpick.

"Okayyy... So, do you just want me to come when the party starts?"

Three's a crowd, one "y" is fine on the, "okayyy" since you've added the ellipses to show the pause and trailing off.

"As the tuxedo wearing servant walked by carrying a tray of champagne glasses"

I wouldn't really use the word, "servant" since it changes the whole time period, not sure if that's intended but I think the term, *butler*, would be better suited, "servant" implies a master but , *butler* implies simply a boss which I feel sounds better.

As much as I liked your character's realistic qualities, they seemed to lack a certain intrigue and interest to them. I found Avery and Samuel to be a slightly average couple. They needed something to make them stand out as individuals too. Their romance/relationship seemed "staged" if that makes sense to you, I didn't feel a whole sense of romance between them, perhaps that was deliberate to foreshadow the events to come? Maybe the wedding never occurs? Who knows. I would have liked to see maybe a quirky and different quality about them in reference to how they speak to each other, behave around each other etc..

I thought the actual engagement party took a while to occur, maybe the party could happen a bit faster so that becomes the main scene? The drama element could have been much stronger. Dramatic effect can be used in many different ways in stories. Take advantage of the scene settings they are vital when describing an atmosphere of something dramatic or mysterious to come. You could also play with the lighting, especially at the end where you leave a cliffhanger, the lighting could be described subtly as *bright, harsh, limelight, centered etc... This creates an atmosphere of interrogation when the character is being questioned.

I did like how the ending implies Hudson will be more involved with Avery and Samuel in stories to come. I liked the character of Mrs Hamilton, she was very humorous. I also liked how you introduced him towards the end. I understand this is your part 1 so it needed to be more informative, but in part 2 my suggestion would be to focus on making your story, "Brothers" stand out and not be your average novel since based on this first part some may see it as cliche adding more dramatic effects as well as mystery would be good too, if you intend for it to be romance the completely go for it. But I think this story has great potential so definitely keep working at it!

Hope this review helped. Let me know if you ever need another review.

--Chippy



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Anabelle says...


Thanks so much for the helpful review! I am trying to make Avery and Samuel's relationship seem as flat and predictable on purpose to foil the relationship she will begin to have with Hudson. Hope that makes sense! Your review certainly helped and I will take all of your advice into consideration when writing Part 2. Thanks again! :)



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Fri Jul 11, 2014 2:28 am
Lefty wrote a review...



Hey there! Lefty here to review!

It's a fantastic start to the story. You're very good at explaining what's happening and how things look... I saw it in my head like a movie. Some stories don't have this, but yours, right off the bat, had a feel to it. A nice, elegant feel, which was nice. The town seemed lovely and quiet, nice and upscale... It almost made me want to live there!

I did notice one thing about the way they spoke ended, which I think is incorrect grammar wise, for example:

Avery spun around with a confused look on her face. "Excuse me?", she asked.

"I said you're late. The party started nearly half an hour ago.", the mysterious man replied.


I don't think you can put a comma after ?" or ." -- I think you can do one or the other. "Excuse me?" She asked. Or "Excuse me," she asked. This goes for periods, exclamation points and question marks. If the sentence continues however, like this:

"Hey, Sam! I was just talking to your fiancé. Wow, she is gorgeous.", said the man. He had the same taunting gleam back in his eyes and he slapped Sam on the shoulder. "Well done!"


I'm pretty sure it would just be a comma after "gorgeous" because then you know he may not be finished speaking.

Besides that, your grammar is practically perfect. Moving on, I loved the way you described the party. With the lavender and the lights and the music... It made me feel all warm inside.

Excellent job with the story and writing of it. I was surprised when his brother showed up, since he said he didn't have a brother. Why did he lie to her? I liked the way you described Hudson when she first met him, because I basically knew exactly the kind of person he is just from those couple sentences. I want to know what happens next!

-Lefty



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Anabelle says...


Thank you for your review. I'm still trying to figure out the whole punctuation when writing dialogue things, haha. It's a little confusing to me, so I promise I'll work on it. Thank you for your kind words and I'll let you know when part 2 goes up! :)



Lefty says...


No worries! I had trouble with grammar for a long time (and I'm sure I still have some. It's only a small thing, what I pointed out. Everything else with your grammar is awesome! Quite good, actually. Looking forward to part two. ;)



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Fri Jul 11, 2014 2:23 am
Blackwood wrote a review...



I'm going to give you my honest opinion, and that is that, unfortunately, I found this horribly clichéd and ultimately boring because of this? Why? Well you just have to read it to notice all of the clichés out of some sort of post teenage romance. A girl, who just got engaged but is subconsciously unhappy with the outcome and then low and behold a mysterious and sexy rough brother pops out of nowhere to contrast with the more uptight fiancée. The girl years for adventure and she comes from a creative family. It's dribbling in the stuff.
I felt it really lacked something original and something compelling. The beauty of short stories is that they are able to convey a message to a reader without a commitment, leave something lingering in their mind. I don't see anything of the sort here, and it is completely shallow. Of course, its only the first part, and normally its the end that contains the great twist, but your twist better be pretty good in order to make it worth the first half's clichéd approach. I understand you could have possibly done this intentionally, but since you have decided to write it in two parts the reader gets not justification after reading this first part, so would not be so compelled to continue it and make that commitment.

As for your characters. They too, also have no depth. I don't see any personalities in here, just blank archetypes. Avery is plain. A yearnful 'heroine'. The brothers together fit the pinnacle of these archetypes too. When you write them it just feels like you a drawing them on the page but not bringing them to life. Why should a reader care about the character if they do not provide any personality or quirks within themselves. Infact, if anything, I felt like Avery was annoying because she was too typical.

As for your actual writing, it's solid, and is not your downfall. It can carry you, and I thin you have the ability to successfully convey something with substance as well. You need to be wary of over clichéd descriptions such as 'gleamed his deep blue eyes' or something like that.

I think your opening line was weak.

The phone calls, emails, and texts hadn't stopped for days.
Why? Because It took me time to read it 3 times over to get that it wasn't in present tense. (Which could be fixed by writing "Phone-calls" rather than "Phone calls". Fixing that would improve the first line.

I am sort of hoping that you have purposely done this clichéd so you can send a twist down the next instalment, but if you didn't then I think that the idea in general is used, and quite shallow. Something needs to be written to set you apart from the normal old things.
You have some good stuff here too, mainly in your writing ability, the flow is is strong and reads smoothly. I am really bad a pointing out good things, even when they exist. So that's my fault, not yours.
Anyway... please continue this interestingly.



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Anabelle says...


Thanks for sharing your opinions!



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Fri Jul 11, 2014 2:03 am
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review (as requested). Let's see what we have here.

NITPICKS:
"That was the only draw back of being in love with a Whitmore - you were expected to lead a picture perfect life and carry on the distinguished family legacy."
Just a minor nitpick that I found, draw and back should be together to make drawback. :D

"'Ha ha. Very funny, guys. C'mon, lets go.' "
I don't know, if I'm mistaken but I would think that lets go would expand to let us go. That would mean you would have to have an apostrophe there(let's). If I am mistaken, please tell me.

" 'Thank you.', she said with a smile. 'Austin, you all right?' "
Oh gosh! My inner punctuation monster is coming out! After Thank you, you just need a comma. Just take out the period! XD This happens a lot in your passage. If you need more examples, then ask me.

Just one more thing to point out. I have to say, you could have some more imagery in here, so that I can see how the characters looks and not just guess what color hair they have or what their overall appearance is.

Okay! Now for the amazing things that I have found in this piece! I loved the ending! The foreshadowing was great and I DID NOT expect for the brother to come out. This piece is the only piece that has surprised me with the plot, in a long time. The organization is great. Your spelling is great. You could work on your punctuation with the quotes(I had a HUGE problem with that, in the past). I really like this story. It deserves a star. *clicks on like* Be sure to tell me when you post the next part. I really enjoyed this. Keep writing! :D



Random avatar
Anabelle says...


Thank you so much! I see what you're saying about punctuation, but I'm just not sure of the rules. I could use some more examples, if you don't mind! haha



AdmiralKat says...


Sure! At the end of a sentence, you may not have 2 types of punctuation at the end. Like here, " Avery spun around with a confused look on her face. "Excuse me?", she asked. " You may not have a question mark and a comma at the same place. You must choose only the question mark or the comma (in this case you should choose the question mark because you want to make sure the reader reads it like a question)


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Anabelle says...


Oh, I see! Thank you for helping me with that. :)



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Thu Jul 10, 2014 8:22 pm
Sillia wrote a review...



That is really REALLY well written. Like i loved it. Only thing i could say is instead of weird foods try exotic. That is honestly the only negative thing i found about it. I love your description. allot of people don't put allot of description into it but this was just perfect. I could picture Avrey's home, and the mysterious new bother. Only other thing though, not sure if you mentioned it, a little more description of Samuel would be nice. Right now he's just a randomly generated image in my mind. I'm looking forward to reading more!



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Anabelle says...


Oh my goodness, thank you so much! Yeah, I realize that I need to put more description into Samuel. I'll try to do that on Part 2. :) Thanks again for your review! It was really encouraging.



Sillia says...


Your welcome :)



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Thu Jul 10, 2014 7:51 am
Penlorde wrote a review...



Hey hey hey! Look at this! This has definitely gone places!

I'm loving it. There are tiny nitpicks but you know I suck at those, so ill leave them to the others. Nice job bringing in Avery's brothers. That's a nice touch. I like the piece you added about Mrs. Hamilton, lovely.

Slight thing I forgot to mention in the draft, you made me feel things but I still need to see them. Describe stuff too. What does Sam and Avery look like? What does Mrs. Hamilton look like? You can keep things discreet but don't blind us.

I'm loving Hudson's attitude. I'm falling for him already :D Avery being late for her own engagement party? Brilliant characterisation. I'm seeing hints of their flaws too so thats good. OH, and that ending MAN! This is going to be a good one :P

Keep me updated, I love helping.

Anything you need, Just a PM away.

PENLORDE



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Anabelle says...


Thank you! It means a lot, really.
Yeah, I realized that I didn't have much description on Sam; I'll work on that in the next parts. :/
Seriously, thank you for all you've done to help me with this. Oh, and I will make sure to keep you updated. :)



Penlorde says...


No problem, I genuinely enjoy this story :D



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Thu Jul 10, 2014 5:42 am
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Pinkiegirl13 wrote a review...



Hi, Anabelle. This is Pinkie here for a review. Excuse me as I put on my glasses. *puts on my pink glasses*

To The Nitpicks!!

" "No, yeah! That - that's fine. It's just a silly engagement party.", Avery replied while waving her hand in the air."

" "Samuel, who is this and why is he acting like he's known you forever? Who let him into our engagement party?", Avery asked in a hushed tone."

On the first sentence, you need to drop the period and put the comma inside the quote marks. And the second sentence, drop the comma. You don't need it.

" "Avery, this is uh - this is my brother. Hudson." "

'This is my brother. Hudson' is an appositive. Maybe drop the period and put the comma between 'brother' and 'Hudson'.

Overall, this is a good story. You have amazing characters and a interesting plot. The descriptions are wonderful. I got me to imagine what is going on in the story. I really lured into this story. You did an amazing job! I hope to read more from you. Well, have a great night!

Awesome Job! :D

Cheers

Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13



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Anabelle says...


Thanks for your kind words. :)



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Thu Jul 10, 2014 3:54 am
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donizback wrote a review...



Hey Anabelle, I am here for a review (perhaps a mini review).

I am not really that boring to pick some of those typo or grammatical mistakes. I shall just comment on the overall approach and the story itself.

First of all, the starting was great; not the best but I liked it. It would have been nicer (maybe just to me) if you could have told us how Samuel and Avery really look like. But it is not a big deal and won't really matter.

The flow of your story was superb and I liked the way you described everything being a third person in the story. The conversations were nice and simple; when it is simple, it is easier to understand, once it is easier to understand, you start to attract your reader to read more!

Well, to me, the favorite part was the ending one. The last sentence made me laugh; laugh a lot!

You are doing a great job. I can't wait to read more!

Have a great day.

Cheers.



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Anabelle says...


Thanks so much for the review. :)




We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.
— Mark Twain