Published October 20, 2011
Lost him,
Lost a friend,
Made me cry,
Made me scream,
Words are deadly things,
She makes mad,
She makes me want to leave,
Lost in a world of misunderstanding,
Aggravation,
I am losing myself,
Has anyone seen my mind?
I can't find it,
It's too late,
I am already gone.
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Canary word: Present
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,487 Reviews
I thought this was pretty good. The emotions are really strong, and it has a lot of feeling, but the punctuation is off.
The bits in red are my suggestions on changing the poem. Otherwise I love it!
What really got me about this poem, and I'm sure others may have said this before me, is that the punctuation, (like commas, as ancientforever mentioned) slowed the flow of the poem, making it seem choppy throughout the poem. In the beginning, the rush of emotion makes the flow quick, but when the amount of emotion declines it slows the flow, leaving for an awkward sounding poem. What really seems to break the flow is the middle line,
When you could have taken this line:
Could really be expanded upon to show more emotion and make the reader experience the same feelings the writer has. The overdose of commas and grammatical errors makes this poem weak, and, in my opinion, a bit unsophisticated. If you were to edit this with the right punctuation, and like I said, expand on the emotions and connect the words to give it a smooth flow, you would have a good poem. You have potential and shouldn't let a few mistakes get you down. Keep writing.
I agree with ancientforever, this poem was rather weak, and to me seems incomplete. It is also rather abrupt, and emotion is present is some parts, but is rushed in others.
For example:
This has emotion, but could be expanded upon. What makes me think this poem is incomplete is the inconsistency, and failure to explain why. Yes, we can see that losing someone is difficult, but honestly from the fourth line (highlighted in red), to the very next line, the abrupt shift is a bit weird to me. It fit, yes, but there needs to be more of an explanation why. Show us why you screamed, and cried. Expand those emotions.
This part is also weak, and to me, seemed as though it was just whiny. I can see where you were trying to go with this, but there is an abrupt shift in tone, which is very damaging to this poem. The first line is good, but aggravation is not a good follow-up. And then it moves too quickly to that loss of yourself, and the insanity of your mind. There is again, no explanation, no imagery, nothing to tell us why, or show how these things are important.
With revision this can be a good poem. I would consider expanding this poem.
Regards,
dante93
My first comment on this would be that you don't need the commas after every line of poetry. It's distracting. Do you know what commas were originally used for? (Signalling to singers that they needed to take a breath.) If someone took a breath after every single one of those, they would hyperventilate, and the poem would come out sounding a little more than awkward. I understand if you're attached to your punctuation; all I'm saying is that those commas aren't correct or grammatical or both, and what I see here is a mistake that poets tend to make. "I need to put a comma/full stop/colon/punctuation mark after everything!" There are benefits to using punctuation correctly depending on the poem in question, but most of the time including commas after everything is just... well, like I said, it's distracting and superfluous.
Reading over this, I started to think that... this poem isn't that great. It's actually rather weak, especially with your punctuation troubles. For example, your line "She makes [me] mad" (you forgot the me), versus the line just before it "Words are deadly things", would look like something... silly. The act of poetry isn't showing or telling; it's feeling. You have to make the reader feel what you want them to feel. Poetry is manipulation, love in manipulation, and love in words: it looks like you have the first one down, looking at your positive comments, but there's no love crafted into this poem as I can see. Savour the poetry when you write it, pick your words carefully, and you will be on your way.
Now that I've done that, I'd like to say that I can see this with edited punctuation as being good. Edit a few lines (out, away, different) and it might be really good. Right now, it's weak, but weakness can always evolve into strength. Just not with a dozen commas crying their way through the poem. I like it, just not Like That, but I think I'd like to keep an eye on you. I'm interested.
WOOOOW.its really good..i nearly cried while reading it. You're really good at writing poems . Keep writing .
I actualy cried when I read this!!
your a good peotry writer
your a good peotry writer