Published May 22, 2010
Throw me down in a bed of roses.
Teach me to love the sting of their thorns.
For, how can you enjoy the flowers
without feeling the pain of their bites?
Leave me to walk this path alone.
Force me to live on my own again.
For, how can you love what you have
when you don't know what it is to lose it?
Tell me that I'll be yours forever,
then leave me before forever's done.
For, how can anything last
when nothing lasts forever?
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Hey there! Again, this is beautiful writing. The only thing that I can come up with to get rid of or fix in this piece is what Jasmine Hart said about the 'For's. I don't really think that they're necassary, but its up to you.
Best of luck,
~Luxy:-)
This is beautiful! I do think you could add a rhyme scheme and it would fit well - it seems to be just dying for one, doesn't it? Go back and check over your comma use - there are a couple mistakes there, but nothing major. It would be interesting to write alternating stanzas, or a separate poem entirely, from the perspective of the person to whom she is talking...just a thought. Keep writing!
-Liz
I like it because it makes you think like ? "Yooo, wait what?"
Lol.
It being a little confusing makes you read it again until you fully understand it.
I believe you dont ever know the true meaning of what a person is reffering/talking about/to.
That is in a mysterious poem.
Its good to keep them wondering. It makes people wanna read your works again.
Keep up the awesome work dude!
Hope I encouraged and help somebody!
-<3Libby
Very good, not many people can write poetry that well and also convey a message.
-Makes you think. I like it.
This is just brilliant.
Its a little sad, but it really rings home with my personal situations as well!
The last two lines:
"For, how can anything last
when nothing lasts forever?"
Totally made me shiver a little. In a good way of course. Really makes you think!!!
:] Well done! K.O.W!
Hi Amylith,
I think the first two lines are great. I really love "teach me to love the sting of their thorns."
I'd cut "For" as it sounds archaic and doesn't fit in with the rest of the piece. I didn't like "bites" because I was expecting something that would rhyme with "thorns", so I'd change this line to make it rhyme. I'd put an abcb rhyme scheme through the whole thing.
I'd change the second stanza because walking alone and loving and losing are overused concepts. Instead I'd go back to the roses and consider the sensations of lying among them (softness of petals, being scratched), how blood matches their colour, how the roses are getting crushed, if there are spiders or flies there, the soil, all the practical concerns of lying in a rose bud and you can use them to represent love. I'd do the same for the last stanza and use it to tie the whole thing together.
I think this would work really nicely as a sonnet, so I'd play around with this in sonnet form too.
A lovely idea. Your imagery is the strength of the poem so I'd play it up and use it throughout.
Hope this helps,
Jas
Hey Amylith,
This is really cool! But I think I would change one thing.
'Teach me to love the sting of their thorns'. I would change it to 'Teach me to love the sting of thy thorns.'unless if she is talking to Love or someone else.
I don't know if I was really a help to you or not, but I really like it!