Warning: This work has been rated 18+.
I am Mrs. Talwar, a 34 year old married housewife. I live in Bangalore with my husband and son. One morning at nine I received a call from my mom. It was not unusual at all as everyday it is the time we talk. I am more attached to her and we speak a lot. Anything and everything is interesting to us as we speak. That day our topic of discussion was about her new neighbor Pinky. My mom liked that lady which is not surprising as she likes everyone who speaks a lot. Pinky moreover made coconut barfi for my mom the first time she visited our home. Pinky is a teacher in a government school. She is such a chatterbox that in her few visits itself she told my mom the details from her birth to the last week chaos she encountered in the Poorna supermarket which is in the mid way between my home and my mother's. The chaos was due to a couple arguing regarding a diamond ring which the husband denied buying. The wife was so rude and loud that no one in the supermarket would forget her face. From there on our discussion went on how educated people behave at times. After the call I recollected an incident that happened before 6 years in my life. I was travelling from Bangalore to Chennai for a job interview. I was unmarried at that time. I took a private semi-sleeper bus as the travel was urgent. The woman who sat beside me I didn't know her name, She was busy shouting on her cell phone. She was married and her husband's name was Chakravarthy that much I could easily get in first ten minutes of her conversation. And FYI.. I was not eavesdropping, she was very loud. She was speaking with him right from the time she boarded.
It was a rainy night travel. But nothing that was happening outside mattered to her.
She was constantly shouting at her husband for leaving her in her in-laws home all alone for a week. I was curious if the person on the other side was actually hearing her words or not. There was not comma or period in her talk. She was blaming him for leaving her there. She was blaming him because she didn't like the dog in her in-laws home and was complaining about how her mother in-law forced her to bath the dog and made her do all the house-hold work. I wondered how a lady could be so rude and loud in public. The whole bus including the driver knew how much this lady hated her mother-in-law and of course their dog. The rain was on and off but her fight with her husband never went off. In the course of the journey it also became clear that theirs was a love marriage and they were blessed with two beautiful twin girls. I tried hard and succeeded in getting some sleep. I had to be fresh for the interview next day. The next morning when the journey was about to end her call ended with an 'I love you' and a smile on her face( I had no idea when the fight stopped). From that day I had been constantly asking myself how people could behave such uneducatedly in public. How could a person let strangers know about their life. How could they go blind on rest of the world and think-speak-act only their problem. How could and why should people lose their temper on problems that could be easily fixed or need not be fixed at all. Wasn't she bothered
on what would people think about her. Couldn't their discussion wait until they meet at home. I never really understood any of this until last week I was in Poorna supermarket with my husband and he said he is rethinking on buying the diamond ring which I had asked for.
Next week I decided to pay a visit to Pinky's home as some day truth had to come out. I made Carrot halwa and packed it neatly for her. I went to her home along with my mother (to her I have told nothing). The previous night I rehearsed a lot on how I would speak with Pinky.
I made my mind and rang the calling bell. The words of introducing myself was almost memorized but I became speechless when Mrs. Pinky Charkavarthy opened the door.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.
So, the first thing I notice is that the line " One morning at nine I received a call from my mom." would read better if you were to put a comma after the word "nine" and then put "I had". A comma is also needed at "Secondly, an indentation would be needed at "My mom liked that lady ", "chatterbox that in her few visits itself" and " (to her I have told nothing). " A few places are also missing question marks like "Couldn't their discussion wait until they meet at home. ". Also, the fourth paragraph needs to be fixed. You some how managed to indent it when that was unneeded.
Other wise I liked the story and I hope to see more in the future!
Overall I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!
First, I love this story and how the daughter doesn’t realize that her mother’s good new-found friend and neighbor is actually the garrulous annoying lady she had encountered six years before. The ending is superb although I don’t understand what truths the daughter felt had to be revealed. I would have become speechless as well. LOL! Thanks for sharing.
Here are a few suggestions.
The woman who sat beside me I didn't know her name.
[I didn't know the name of the woman who sat beside me.]
“Wasn't she bothered [about]...."
“I was [traveling]....”
Chakravarthy[,]
....for leaving her [with] her in-laws home all alone for a week.
“....in her few visits [alone]....”
[“Since] that day....”
“....love[-]marriage]....”
“....Chakravarthy[;] that much I could easily get....”
“The words of introducing myself [were] almost memorized....”
“That day our discussion was about....”
The word “topic” is redundant.
“....ended with an 'I love you' and a smile.”
The reader knows that smiles are located on faces.]
“....lose their temper [about] problems,....”
Hey, there, I'm just gonna leave a pretty short review here since I see that someone else already went pretty in-depth with theirs. A few things:
First, there's quite a bit of grammar mistakes in this. I won't go through and point them out or anything, especially since someone else already did some, but that's something to remember if/when you're editing this or writing something else. I will mention though that you could probably do without the parenthesis, and that it'd be better to write out things like "FYI" instead of using the initialism. In most writing, I think it's probably better to only use initialism /acronyms with established things like the FBI, DVDs, NASA, those kind of things. Otherwise it kinda seems like stuff you'd write in text messages to your friends, at least most of the time. There are times that it would work though, depending on the style of writing and whatnot.
And the main thing I wanted to point out besides grammar is that your writing is really passive. Like, how you just explain everything without much of anything happening in the present. That's the main problem with this, I'd say. Too passive.
The last thing I wanted to say, and this is kind of not that big of a deal, is that the title could be better. I don't mean to offend when I say that or anything, but it's not very catchy, and titles are meant to be catchy while still reflecting on what the story is about. I hope I don't sound too harsh, on any of this really. I'm just pointing out the flaws to try helping your writing improve, not to be rude or anything.
If you need any help, want me to review something else, want me to explain something more, just want to talk, whatever, just let me know and I'd be happy to. This is a good place to start and I hope you keep continuing to write! Good luck!
Thank You so much, and I completely agree with you, the title is not catchy. Would you mind suggesting a title for this story? Only if you wanted to.
You're very welcome, and I don't mind at all. What I suggest doing when you're trying to figure out titles is think of a major setting, event, plot point, object, person, etc, to come up with the title. Like, I'm working on a series of three books right now, and their titles are Spruce Woods, Blood Moon, and The Lycanthrope Experiments. The first one is a major setting of the book, where important events and even the climax happen, the second is a major event in the story where the climax happens, and the third is the events that happen throughout the story. I don't know if that makes much sense, but anyway...
For short stories and poems I think it'd be okay to have a quote be the title as well, as long as it captures the entire story well. Like I read a short horror story titled "I have no mouth and I must scream," which is a quote from the story, but it worked because it not only was catchy, but also applied well to the story. I don't know if I'm explaining any of this very well, lol, and it's my opinion anyway so if you disagree that's chill.
But anyway instead of rambling here are a few of my ideas for the title:
-Speechless(lol not much different from your title)
-Blinded(I like this one because the narrator is blindsided by who it is when she answers the door and because it applies to Pinky being blind to the world around her too)
-Pinky Charkavarthy(But that kind of gives it away)
-What about Pinky
-What is it about Pinky
-What a Woman
-A Surprise Visit(this one I like because the narrator is giving an unexpected--or surprise--visit to Pinky, and because the visit is a surprise because of who it is behind the door, so it works in two ways)
But yeah, those are a few ideas, but take of that what you will. I most certainly am not the master of titles or anything, lol, but hopefully there was one you liked or it gave you an idea for a different one or something. Hope this helped and if you have any other questions or need help with something else just let me know!
Hey, Amsivana!
Jash here for a rather quick review.
But first! Nitpicks!
There should be hyphens between "34" and "year," and "year" and old, i.e., 34-year-old.
By now I would usually be ranting about the shift in tense, but I'll this off the hook because I'd just take the first two sentences as an intro (oh, the redundancy). But yeah, it's off the hook.
"Everyday" as one word is an adjective; but in this context, I believe you mean "each day," so "everyday" should be two words: every day.
WHOOPS! That tense shift again! Pick one: past or present.
This would read more smoothly if the moreover were the first word of the sentence instead, i.e., "Moreover, Pinky made coconut barfi for my mom..."
I suggest starting a new paragraph right about here.
Itself should be "themselves" because the reflective pronoun's antecedent would be the "visits," which is plural. But really, the pronoun would be unnecessary and it's better deleted.
This is a very wordy, poorly structured sentence. I suggest putting the which clause in parentheses instead so as to avoid confusion.
Also, "mid day" is one word.
I suggest replace "regarding" with "about"
Haha!
Oops! "Our" has become vague here. The reader would eventually learn that the narrator is talking about his and his mom's conversation, but it would be better if it were clearly stated as the past lines were dedicated to narrate Pinky's visits and her stories for his mom. Better if, "...the discussion with my mom went on to how educated people behave at times..."
I prefer numbers being spelled out, but that isn't an ultimate rule. You may use numbers as long as you are consistent with it throughout the manuscript I believe.
Interesting British spelling; but since the setting is India, it compliments the piece.
"The woman who sat beside me, WHOSE NAME I DIDN'T KNOW, was busy shouting..."
This should be two sentences instead. Or drop a semicolon between "Chakravarthy" and "that."
Hahahahahaha! Also, no need for an ellipsis after FYI (well, two-thirds of an ellipsis, that is); a comma would suffice.
This statement is rather unclear. Who?
There should be an indefinite article between "not" and "comma," i.e., "There was not a comma or period while she talked."
I'm a little bit iffy about the figure of speech incorporated here, though.
There should be a hyphen between "mother" and "in," i.e., "mother-in-law."
"...forced her to give the dog a bath..."
"House-hold" should not contain a hyphen, "household."
This is funny!
New paragraph here, please.
Comma between "journey" and "it."
Perhaps "a marriage of love" sounds better?
Set aside "when the journey was about to end" with commas.
Space after opening parenthesis should be before it.
The lack of question marks in the previous sentences is forgivable. But when it comes to these last two, it isn't, at least for me.
WAIT. WHAT. WHAAAAAAAAAAT. OMGIE. MINDBLOWING. WHAT. WHO. WAIT, WHAAAAAAT.
Someday is one word.
The clause in parentheses confuses me.
"The words of introducing myself" is a little bit awkward. Perhaps try, "I had memorized the words with which I had planned to introduce myself, but..."
Overall, this is sooooo good! I enjoyed your story a lot and am happy I stumbled upon it in the Green Room! I'm a sucker for literary-themed pieces, and this made my YWS morning.
I do have a lot of criticism for your narration. The structure was a little bit off in the middle. It was muddy and the reader can get easily lost. (The part where I went "WAIT WHUT" is the most confusing part. It was like the narrator change... but didn't.) But that can be easily fixed with a revision or two. Paying attention to how to and when to create new paragraphs is key to this as well.
I love the hints of India! (I'm a fan of Jhumpa Lahiri's Interperter of Maladies.) I enjoy hearing/reading of another culture so that's a plus for me here.
Please keep writing! And if you have any questions or violent reactions to this review of mine, feel free to reply, comment on my wall, or PM (or why not all of those?) me!
Jash x
Thank You so much Jash, this is my first review that I have ever got. Before this, it were just my parents and friends who had seen it and as we all know they have won't have their review opinion goggles on,since its my work. Am glad that I am able to write a piece that is readable. Honestly this makes my desire to write elevated.
I have couple of doubts
1) When do we start a new paragraph on a story?
2) Please elaborate on shift in tense, I struggle a lot with this, I don't know which tense should I pick.
Please let me know your thoughts/views.
Thanks,
AmSivana
Thanks,
Amsivana.
Hey! So glad to hear your desire to write has been elevated! You should continue writing! Okay, for your questions, I will have to link you to articles which might help you more.
1. When to start a new paragraph: https://www.editing-writing.com/start-p ... h-fiction/
2. Which tense to use: http://theeditorsblog.net/2012/01/31/na ... back-then/
Lemme know if something is not clear with these articles that I give you, and will try my best to explain further.
Jash x