Exile: Chapter 2

Your beginning is fine. It's just a little bland. Like I said, describe the laughter more. How does your character laugh? Why is he laughing?

Why does the horse approve of his laughter?

You talked about the river in Chapter 1? Whoops, I reviewed that a week or so ago. Sorry, I didn't remember >_<

Also: Does you character have a name? Or is he just "I"?

-Sakura

The river was told of in chapter one... well maybe I'll change it somehow. Chapter three will begin to open up the treasure chest of answers. Wow what a cool phrase. Could you give me an example of how to begin a chapter? I'm all out of ideas, as always. Heh.

As promised!

I laughed.

My plan was to ride north, seeking an easy crossing across the river to the west

my horse and myself

Then I spotted a small woman in front of me gracefully stepping from his hiding of one tree to another.

I placed the dagger onto her throat.

" Do you know this forest?"

here,"my

Next chapter will start to tell something of the main character. Since he now has someone to talk to, he will tell of himself as the so-far unnamed woman will ask him of his past and such. I wanted to have a reason to tell of the character, so it comes a bit late. I'm very thankful for the critque, as always and will edit the story as I have time. Thank you for spending the time to read and review my works . *bows while taking a small dagger from under his shirt and begins to form a devious plan of escape*

I laughed. The brown horse below me made a noise, [s]which[/s] indicat[s]ed[/s]ing its approval. My plan was to ride north[s]wards[/s], seeking an easy crossing across the river to the west. As I had traveled so for about an hour, a forest appeared Appeared? Forests don't just appear, how about "loomed ahead" and I was forced to slow down. The forest seemed abandoned by all humans, and the only living thing I spotted in the first half an hour was a tiny squirrel racing up one of the tall pine trees. Eventually, as the terrain became even more difficult to travel, I dropped down from the horse and dragged it along with me.


After about three hours of wandering around the dead forest, I finally allowed myself a bit of rest. I eyed the woods, which went on as far as I could see. I wondered where I was , and how would I find the river again, for in the first hour in the forest I had lost sight of it. This paragraph seems very choppy, try rewording the sentences so that you don't need as many commas. It'll make it flow smoothly.


Suddenly my hearing, honed by two months on the run, picked up the noise of steps from behind me. I turned and took the dagger into my right hand. "I know you're here," I shouted. [s]I received[/s] No answer. Then I spotted a small woman in front of me gracefully stepping from the cover of one tree to another. What do you mean the cover? Is she hiding behind the trees? This sentence is a bit confusing, please clarify. I charged onwards, taking the mysterious woman by surprise. I hit her with a well aimed punch to her chin, and as she wobbled, I tripped her with a strong kick at her left leg. I placed the dagger onto her throat. "Why are you following me?" I asked, with my tone as threatening as possible.


The woman spat blood and answered with a strong, melodic voice: "I was only interested at what such a bastard was doing in this forest."


"Bastard eh, got that right, woman, but I wish not to discuss the matter with a stranger," I answered, and the woman was taken aback by my answer. " Do you know this forest?" I asked plainly, interrupting her as she seemed to be beginning to say something which would be meant to insult me.


"I do not answer a bastard who attacks me without warning," answered the woman, her fierce eyes blazing with contempt.


"But I did warn you, remember when I told you I know you're here? Just answer the question would you?" I asked, keeping my cool.


"Yes, but don't think I would..." the woman began, but as she spoke [s]had answered my question[/s] I cut her off.


"Well then darling, would you kindly lead me and Crempie here,"my finger was pointed at my horse. "to a good river crossing?"


"What would you do if I refuse?" she asked


"I would ask again and again, until you accept," came my answer, and I was having trouble keeping my face serious.


"You annoy me," she told me bluntly


"I am an annoying person, my darling," I answered and burst into laughter.


The woman looked at me as though she was facing a madman, which I admit, she probably was [s]did[/s]. Then finally she too began to laugh, and our laughter rang across the dead forest, bringing it to life.