z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Little Sister Chapter Two(reboot)

by Amnesia


"Michelle!!!" Erica yelled up to her daughter. The 16 year old hadn't come downstairs yet for breakfast and she had about 10 minutes before she had to catch the bus. She was about to go upstairs and get her to come out when the girl came downstairs.

Aliah had changed so much since she was three. Her blonde hair now reached her lower back and was silky, her blue eyes popped against the make up she wore on her face. One thing never changed though. She had kept the silver dollar in her bag at all times. She didn't know why she'd had it for so long but she felt like it was important so she kept it. She sat at the table and ate the porridge in front of her.

Erica looked lovingly at the child in front of her. Since she had taken Aliah and changed her name. It only took a few weeks to convince the little girl that her name was Michelle and that Erica was her mummy and since then the child had been her daughter.

Meanwhile Aliah's family was still looking for her.

Liam sat on the couch in his flat. Louis was being loud as usual and Harry was egging him on. Niall wasn't home yet which wasn't unusual for him. He was looking at all the pictures of Aliah and himself that he had moved from his laptop to his phone months ago. He still felt guilty but he had made his dream come true. He knew it was what Aliah would have wanted.

He was terrified that when she did turn up that she'd be traumatized or even worse, dead. He hoped that she was happy and safe to take his mind off the possibility of her being either of those.

Louis plopped beside Liam and pointed at the little girl sitting next to Liam smiling brightly.

"Who's that mate?" Louis asked. Liam hadn't told the other three boys that he'd had a baby sister so they didn't know who she was.

"Someone who went missing about 3 months after that picture. At the fair. I took her there as a treat for winning her race. She was so excited, and she wandered off and disappeared." He responded quietly, he could feel tears welling up in his eyes.

Louis was silent for once. He sensed that Liam felt like it was his fault.

"Was she your sister? Like was she the baby sister?" he asked.

"Yeah, her name is Aliah Jane Payne" Liam whispered locking his phone.

"Oh, how long ago did she go missing?" Louis asked, suddenly very serious.

"13 years ago, she'd be 16 now."

"Why don't we help you find her. I'm sure the Directioners would help...Do a twitcam"

"I don't know Lou."

"It's worth a shot"

"Ok"

Liam grabbed his laptop off the coffee table and sent a tweet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Aliah got home from school she went straight up to her room. Her room was a mess of clothes and random things. Her desk was filled with papers she never bothered to look at or organize. Her cork board was overfilled with pictures and random notes or poems she had found or wrote.

She ignored all of this and plopped on her bed. Her ceiling was scattered with glow in the dark stars. She loved them so much.

She got up and sat up on her bed. She wanted to read but her books were buried in her closet somewhere and she didn't feel like digging through her clothes just yet. She ran the pendant around her neck up and down the chain. This was another thing she'd had since she was really little, she couldn't remember who gave it to her. All the same she never took it off. It had a inscription on it that read "I love you forever and always, this will always keep you safe, I love you"

Aliah sighed and stood up and walked over to her desk and started clearing off everything thing and organizing her things. When she was satisfied she sat in the chair she opened her laptop and logged in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Liam, stop sulking we'll find her. I promise." Harry said, Liam had just told all the boys, after the twitcam. He had his head in his hands.

"I hope she remembers me, She might still have the necklace I got her when she was born and it's got an engraving on the back." Liam said

"Of course she'll remember you Liam. You two were extremely close from what you've said so far" Niall said suddenly.

Liam brought his head out his hands and smiled sadly at the boys.

"I hope we find her soon."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aliah was bored, she'd cleaned her room an hour ago, now she was surfing the web trying to do her homework. Her teacher had assigned the class to look up missing children and write a short essay on what they thought why they went missing.

She was scrolling through the pages, yawning when something caught her eye. A missing child report from 13 years ago, they had age progressed the picture from when the little girl was three to when she would be 16 so people whould know what she would possibly look like.

She recognized the picture...she looked at it every day in her mirror. She closed her laptop gently and leaned back in her chair, her heart beating a million miles a minute. It couldn't be her...there's no way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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415 Reviews


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Reviews: 415

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Tue Dec 11, 2018 7:29 pm
keystrings wrote a review...



Hi there! This has been in the Green Room for far too long, so I thought I would pop by and give it a second review.

To start, I'd mark this as a fanfiction, as I think that makes it more clear from even the first chapter this is based off One Direction characters, but I guess the full name of the MC helps clear up any confusion.

I went back and read chapter one again, so I hope I've got this story worked out. First off, if this is going to be from the view of Aliah, but she thinks her name is Michelle, her "view" should be using Michelle only. One point would be that she was raised to answer to a different name and two, you made it clear she was kidnapped and that wasn't her real name. Having her "new" name established as who she thought she was herself makes more sense especially if she introduces herself as "Michelle" and not her previous name.

Another thing I want to touch up is characterization. I'm curious as to how old Liam would have been when Aliah was only three years old. I'm a little frustrated that his parents didn't try harder in letting him feel guilty - as don't let young kids watch over even younger kids especially at a fair, where there're lots of people and it's super easy to get lost and separated. A few things I want to know is what made Liam move over this pictures only a few months ago? Like, did he catch one of those really sad news reports about missing kids? What struck him that he needed to find where Aliah was?

I kind of like the prospect of Aliah having to write an essay on missing kids - that's a neat way of tying that into her own unknown past. However, I think her being bored is a little harsh, as missing kids should be making her sad not yawning? I think moments like that are a good way for you to expand on who she really is and what motivates her and such. Also, I think it'd be a little hard for the picture to look exactly like her - like her face could look similar but not quite like her own face would be in a mirror.

That's all for now, but I think overall adding more details and trying to expand on every character in here would help you give this story more depth.




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162 Reviews


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Reviews: 162

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Sun Oct 28, 2018 3:46 pm
FireSpyGirl wrote a review...



Hi there!
I loved this chapter! It is well written and it is a good story! There are a few lines that seemed out of place.

The first is this line: "Since she had taken Aliah and changed her name."
When you read the sentence that comes before this line and the one after it, this line is awkward and doesn't make much sense. It needs to be clarified more.

The second line was this one: "Her teacher had assigned the class to look up missing children and write a short essay on what they thought why they went missing."
Again, this is rather awkward. Maybe say "..on why they thought they went missing." It just needs that one word to make it flow smoother.
That was all, and great job writing this!





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