Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Dear Brian,
There is a saying that goes "It takes a boy to make a child, but a man to raise one." I for one believe this saying. My biological father basically told my mom when I was concived that I should be aborted. My mom is a strong woman and went through the emotional abuse coming from Raul after she refused the abortion.
I was born 6 weeks early and had trouble breathing. I almost died after I was born. But like you always said when you met my mom. I was a fighter. When I turned 2 Raul started taking me everywhere with him and one of those places happened to be his Lover's home. I didnt realize it till I was 14 what was happening while I was doing whatever it was they let me do.
My mom moved my 2 younger siblings and I to Phoenix where you lived and it was there you two met.We lived with you and you took us in as your own. I hoped that you and mom would get married someday an I'd call you my dad.
Sometimes when I miss you as I do now. I remember the day you put a horror movie on the TV to get me to eat my food instead of watching TV. I also remember the time I (a 4 year old at the time) tricked you into letting me eat cookies for breakfast. I loved you with all my heart. I still love you.
After my father kidnapped me and abused me you came to the rescue again. You helped my mom get me back. You looked at me like a daughter and yet...I never called you daddy. I was blind. I still loved my Biological father and deluded myself into thinking he wasnt at fault. But after you died, it hit me like a ton for bricks. My biological father is simply that, he may have been the one to help concive me but he wasnt the one who raised me into the woman I am today.
Together Raul and Charlotte took something I loved and almost destroyed the passion I have for it. You were one of the first few people to tell me that you thought I could be a writer someday.
Brian, I dont think I'll ever forget the last time I saw you. You told me that you loved me, and I stared at you. I will never fucking forgive myself because everytime that image pops into my mind I cant control my tears. I fucking Love You Daddy and I always will because you truley are my Daddy
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This is so beautiful. Im an actress who's in desperate need of something to work with for this project i have, its very important and i think the pressure of it all is making it difficult to come up with material. This is so beautiful and inspiring, as i was reading it i was also feeling it, like when i read a script. I felt it, i cried with it, i acted with it. Its so vulnerable and raw, which is exactly what i love to capture with my acting, thats the kind of material im craving to work with. This is perfection, and beauty, and i want you to know how much i appreciate you writing this and posting it for this community here to see. Thats so brave and strong, a true artists qualities. I want to know if it's alright that I use your writing as material for my school theater project, it will be just for my small class to see me perform.
Thank you, and i'm very proud and admire you.
Thank you! My hope with my works is to show the genuine emotions i feel when i write them. It truely means a lot that you and others can resonate with my works as well
I have no words. Honestly, this is one of the most emotionally charged pieces I have ever read. You certainly have a gift to making your readers feel, and made me really want to get to know your amazing father. I especially liked how you included the quote about how boys make children but men raise them. The ending was also great and the inclusion of the swears only accentuated how much you adore your father and your regret at the end for not saying anything. This is probably inappropriate in such an emotionally charged piece, and I know I'm really being a spelling Nazis here, but "truley" is spelled "truly". More suggestions are not using "basically", and spelling out numbers. Some other stuff is a bit awkwardly phrased, and there are a few grammatical and spelling errors.
Overall though, the message and love you have for your father is very clear and I am so so sorry for you for losing such an important person in your life.
I hope you keep writing because honestly, I love your straightforward and candid style of writing.
Certainly looking forward to reading more of your work!!!
Keep writing,
Zanda
Words such as 'basically' and 'like' make you sound less sure of yourself. You know when you're not sure you're right and you put 'just' in so you have a cushion if you're wrong? It's like that. You are making a bold statement here, so your tone has to be bold too.
I've been meaning to mention this for ages but my English teacher in second year told me to always write my numbers out as words.
First the grammar. The full stop should be a colon. Also, I got confused about who was who. I couldn't tell if Brian was the biological father or the man who raised you. Looking at the title it makes more sense for him to be the man who raised you, but it wouldn't hurt to stick a name-tag in there just to make it clear. I also didn't realise at first that Raul was your biological father. I would suggest 'My biological father, Raul, told my mom...'
This is either haunting or confusing. Either they tricked you into thinking they were 'letting' you do things they wanted you to do, or they were letting you play the Playstation etc. If it's the former, I'd say put the 'let' in inverted commas, like that <--
Ahem.
If 'an' is a typo, leave it. It sounds adorable.
The precise opposite of a run-on. This full stop should be a comma.
I think insertion of 'once' between 'rescue' and 'again' would be nice here.
Just a nit-pick ^
'every time' is two words.
Ok, just proofread the last paragraph. I also don't think the '<3' works in a literary context.
Your name, however, comes into play rather nicely here. Memory is the only link you have to him now. I can understand your choice very well.
~~
So, I liked the emotion, and the swearing towards the end made your passion clear.
The problem is that see the 'Other' you have put it under...well, it would do bloody well if that was 'Blog Post'. See, something so personal can hardly be critiqued, because you can't exactly change the plot. The only advice I can give you is to make it more stylised so that your emotions come through at the right points.
For example, when you describe your early childhood you seem confused. You could play around with disorientation there. You could use an excess of questions, words like 'maybe' or 'perhaps'. You could also use diminutive terms to describe yourself in the third person, but not 'Young Sam'
Your regret is also clear, but never really emphasised by use of literary techniques. This could be achieved by maybe putting some second-person thoughts in italics? For example:
I'm not as certain about the placing of that, but something along the lines of blaming yourself.
Contact me any way you like if you have any questions.
Hope this helps.
Craig
I'm not sure how to respond to this, other than that I felt your emotion coursing through the writing. Thank you for sharing what are obviously precious thoughts.
Let me be another person to tell you that you can definitely be a great writer!
Keep working hard!
~Lucia