Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: This sounds like a nice little short. I definitely would love to see what happens after this. It flowed quite well overall and the idea here was quite interesting. It actually does in fact sound like an excerpt from a novel. And the whole idea seems quite good and pretty interesting.
Anyway let's get right to it,
The twins reached the Docks. The crossroad between Man and those who aren't. Where wealthy humans would purchace items from other species just to keep up with the latest trends. The smell of salt water and fish filled the air. The docks were busy. On one half of the docks there were ferry ships. The other, cargo.
That's a decent place to start things off. A little bit of an establishing shot and that's always a nice thing to see.
Sereen climbed down off of her horse and grabbed the harness and pulled it aside her as she walked along the moist wood of the board walk. Seldon soon did the same following her. She stared around. This has only been the second time shes been to the docks. The fist time was when she was very small. They live in the Mountain lands of Cano. Cano is extremely elevated lands and the wind is very strong.Thats how the people of Cano power there homes.Its all land mostly. The only water shes been close to in years was the water fall on the side of the Apia Mountains. Her eyes moved back and fourth searching for suitable transportation. She caught site of a ferry.It was a Large white boat with a curled bow and red stripes on each of its 5 sails.
The information that is being dumped here seems fairly subtle but it is breaking up the flow of the story a bit. Its like a narrator is adding his comments onto the main story as it flows so it isn't that easy to read.
They were both finally out of the crowd. They were standing in front of the walk to the ferry. There was a Tall man standing there wearing a blue jumpsuit that could barley cover his ankles. With a four cornered cap that covered half his bald head. He had a badge that looked like a smaller model of the ferry.Sereen knew from that he was a worker from the Ship.
Those two words should not be capitalized right there.
Sereen's smile faded completely. It hit her. Seldon was right they'd be lucky if it was 300 curencies. All she had was 75. She let it hit her again. Seldon was right. She turned around to her amused brother.
Them not knowing the price of a ferry like this seems a little unlikely but that's just a bit of a nitpick.
"We may have to take drastic measures.....and sell the horses and some of our belongings keep whats important but sell everything else."
Well that doesn't sound good.
Sereen sat on a crate in front of a merchants shop.She watched as busy people moved around handling business. She then started to look at the amulet. It was strange because the more she looked at it, the more deep thought she fell into about her journey ahead.One by one the sounds around her faded out.She could only hear the amulet but it wasn't speaking at all. She was linked to it some how.Then she heard what it was trying to say to her.
Well this whole part is quite interesting. I really wish this had a part 2 that we could go read to see how all of these things that are being set up would pay off eventually.
"I know it looks bad but Ive talked to the captain and he says this is as safe as they come."
Not too sure why all this hype was built around the ship being dilapidated when it really pays off in any way but that's just a bit of a nitpick.
Seldon picked up the sword and stared at the black handle with the silver symbol etched into it.
Bit of a subtle description there. It doesn't give the best picture there but it doesn't sound so its okay.
Sereen Had a weird dream she was floating in the air and she could see nothing but white. Then everything went black in an instant and all of these feelings of doubt and confusion caused her to fall and she kept falling but know one was there to help her.
Very interesting dream to have right there.
The next morning someone was nudging her awake.
You need to put a little line or something to indicate a scene break here or its a little too sudden.
"Sereen" her brother whispered "wake up we've arrived."
"Remember this day sis. ."Seldon said.
Sereen looked at him.
"we've just witnessed Halfling Magic."
"Hmmp" Sereen said "consider this day remembered."
This bit of dialogue sounds very scripted and seems to only to service the exposition that they are giving out here.
They were about the only beings there over 4 ft . The gate was not the only thing operated by magic here were carts that did not need horses to pull them.There were lights but no fire was viable.Halflings are very well known for there Magic its also how they make a living selling here magical inventions to others.
Pretty decent description there.
"Excuse me" Sereen said. She had a feeling so she spoke.
"I am a human and I am meeting a Halfling half way."
The girl looked at Sereen.Then saw her amulet. She smiled then said
'Then I am the Halfling you've come to meet.'
Well that was kind of easy but then it is a short story so I don't suppose it can be drawn out that much.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was pretty easy to follow and it sounds like a nice little piece that comes out of a fairly well developed world. The conversations and relationship between the two is realistic for the most part so it does a good job overall.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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