Published October 27, 2005
The moment you were hurt, the warmth
Was gone
With your song.
Soon the chills of bitterness
Come creeping
Quietly keeping
The rhythm of your pain.
To escape
You must take
Your frozen heart of ice
To a love,
Burning love,
That can melt it back to life.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,533 Literary Works • 673,403 Reviews
I like your poem. I love the descriptions, your wording is good.
If I were to read it out loud, this is the way I would phrase it:
The moment you were hurt,
The warmth was gone.
Soon
The chills of bitterness come creeping,
Quietly keeping the rhythm of your pain.
To escape
You must take your frozen heart of ice
To a love, a burning love,
That can melt it back to life.
(I took out the "with your song". I agree with others that it doesn't seem to fit.)
Does that change the meaning you intended to break it up differently?
I think it flows better.
I definitely think that "with your song" should be removed. I get what it means it's just that i doesn't fit and looks like it's being forced into the poem. Hope I helped!! \:D/
This was short and sweet. I'm not much of a poetry critiquer (I don't even know if that's a word), but I just had to drop in and say something because you really hit close to home here, and I love those last three lines.
I loved this line. It added a beat to the poem.
The poem was very rhymic. Good work
That was...short. Okay poem, sometimes a little forced in the rhyming. Great metaphors.
I really like this poem, I loved the melt it back to life line. Very good. I agree with Triona, maybe removing 'with your song' would make it sound better. I really like the quietness of it, wonderful work.
-*Twinkles
Thanks Triona! I was dying to get some feedback!
I don't have as much time as I'd like to contribute to writing... but I am likin YWS so far!
I think it might flow better if "With your song " was removed.
I like the idea of love healing the cold from a frozen heart.
There is an interesting paradox in the last line - melt usually is associated with the destruction of something but by melting your heart in this context it is unusual and moving.