Published November 3, 2015
Inky folds of fabric draped elegantly around her shoulders, whilst she rest her heavy head on the window. Her skin is as cold and white as ice, her precious shallow breaths rasp as she moves slightly, so weak it causes pain. Cloudy shapes materialize on the clean glass of the window whilst she sits silently on the windowsill, waiting.
Wisps of her hair catch in her breath, and dance around in the damp air like figure skaters. She doesn’t want to exist anymore, because she cannot live with what she must be. Turning sixteen would be a special occasion for anyone else, but not for her. Red eyes flicker and gambol, like burning embers in a smouldering fire. The exquisite darkness outside was gradually getting lighter by the minute, and she knew the time was near.
Memories enveloped her head like a swirling hurricane of regret and happiness, as she thought about her life. She had been happy being odd, it was what defined her, what made her unique. Even though she had not been short of friends she had still felt lonely, isolated somehow. It was not until she was 10 she learnt what she must become. It killed her inside every day from then. Her parents were just as strange and different as she was, but their uniqueness was dark, unlike hers. Many birthday parties and school discos had been avoided because of them. They wouldn’t be happy with what she was doing, but they wouldn’t be distraught either. It was like a carpenter had made their hearts, chipped out joy, care and kindness, and then had etched in cruelty, despite and a care for no one… not even each other. But she had already watched her sister become one of them, turning from bright and bubbly to reclusive and cold. That couldn’t happen to her.
Comfortable was not a good way to describe her, sitting on the windowsill and gazing outside, her heart filled with melancholy. A blackbird flitted past a nearby tree before squawking loudly, the sudden sharp sound piercing the serene air. She watched as the dark sky melted into a light magenta, before dissolving into a burning array of burgundy’s, ambers and golden yellows. This was it. Her dark dress flowed out onto the ledge of the castle window, her enchanting red eyes glistened and her pointed fangs were visible as she smiled one last time. The sun rose, shining on her body with nothing to protect her from it. She was quickly reduced to a pile of dust.
Vampires burn and die in sunlight.
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140,616 Literary Works • 673,554 Reviews
Hola AmeliaGryffin =) FallWolf here for a review
This story was very interesting and imaginative! And I'm probably going to be very harsh in my review because I like it so much, which sounds weird but that's who I am XD
The title is okay, it gives the reader a good amount of sadness mixed with mystery to go with the tone of this piece. However, it sends out a message of desperation that the main character does not feel (or, at least, I did not feel in the story. The character seems more wistful then desperate. She only wants to end her life because of what she doesn't want to become.)... all in all, I'd give the title seven-anda-half out of ten!
Your tense does shift a bit, most prominently in the first sentence (I am reading a book about story structure, and it talks a lot about fist sentences, so I'm a bit picky in this matter =P)
"Inky folds of fabric draped elegantly around her shoulders, whilst she rest her heavy head on the window."
All in all, a very good first sentence! ...Except for the slight grammar mistake that kills it. But, okay, this is probably just me because I can be such a perfectionist with stories, but there's a bit of something wrong here. Either "rest" needs to be replaced with "rested" or you could change the whole story to present tense XD. Which wouldn't make it any worse, mind you. It is a bit tricky though... maybe just stick with the awesomeness you have =P
"Memories enveloped her head like a swirling hurricane of regret and happiness, as she thought about her life." "," not needed here.
"Comfortable was not a good way to describe her, sitting on the windowsill and gazing outside, her heart filled with melancholy. A blackbird flitted past a nearby tree before squawking loudly, the sudden sharp sound piercing the serene air." Absolutely LOVE this part! The blackbird fits just right, and the first part of this is amazing! Actually, I am mostly in love with the last paragraph. It's just soooooo good!
"She was quickly reduced to a pile of dust.
Vampires burn and die in sunlight." Erm, the problem I have with this is actually you have too much awesomeness. No, really! No kiddingo. You have here two last sentences that are amazing, but put together and they sort of steal the magic from each other. I would recommend putting either or, not both. "She was quickly reduced to a pile of dust" is very sudden and satisfying, yet "Vampires burn and die in sunlight" is equally amazing in the mystique and sorrow part of things. So, yeah, see? I was not kidding =P
Anyways, this was an amazing read =) Thanks for posting it
Never stop writing!
-FallWolf
This story was very well written. Your descriptions and attention to details are perfect. The way that you draw the reader in using a young woman's desire to remain as herself and not what the venom in her veins would make her to be.
The sorrow of the main character's plight is well described. Almost like her issues have more to do with normal teenage life in high school than a curse that will change her entire persona. I must applaud that by the way. Taking the route that changing into a vampire not only changes you physically, but also mentally is route that few actually take.
My only real objection to this tale is that the title does not fit the story. "Why won't it end?" seems like a title of someone that cannot escape whatever it is that is holding them and causing their misery, but your protagonist has a very real option to escape, and takes steps to do so. My only suggestion would be on perhaps a paragraph describing some other attempts she has taken to escape her curse. Just food for thought.
Overall your story was very enjoyable and a good read. I hope to see more from you.
Happy Writing!
Oh. My. Gosh. THAT WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!
Everything that is coming tomymindrightnowcouldsoundlikethisifspoken.
From your first sentence, I was instantly hooked. About halfway through your story, I was wondering what she was. You've written this so beautifully that I really really want to hear more right away! You've described everything so gorgeously and flawlessly. You have packed everything from her life to how she was feeling to what was going on at that moment into a single work of art that the majority of words fail to describe. You transitioned through everything so flawlessly that could probably stump some very famous authors.
I even loved the slight bluntness of one of your last sentences: 'She was quickly reduced to a pile of dust.'
I rarely come across a piece on YWS that amazes beyond what I can ever say. I'm pround to say that this is one of them.
I really have nothing to say that could need fixing. This was that perfect.
That's all from me. (Wipes a tear from my eye)
Never stop writing!
-Holographic Ladybug
Oh my gosh thank you so much!
Hi there
Nice presentation style.I absolutely loved the beginning. The way she is feeling is aptly described.
A humane vampire ready to sacrifice herself lest she loses her true self to what she has become on turning 16 is shown beautifully.
The way it started would lead one to assume something is amiss with the main character who is awaiting her end.
Then the red eyes and tales about her past.
How she is different from her parents and her sibling who are lost to the wrong side.
Amazing way of showing how she meets her death in the rays of sun that leave a pile of dust on its wake.
Loved it!
All the best!
Keep going.
I love how much detail you added in the story! The imagery words, such as: [quote] "the sudden sharp sound piercing the serene air" [quote/] it made me feel like I was there and I could hear the squawk. I would probably elaborate on how she dies and how it feels to be burned by the sunlight. Maybe include she let out a shriek as she died. Also, I would change the 'cold and white as ice'. I would put 'cold as ice and white as paper'. Overall, I loved the story! I love how the main character has a heart of gold and actually cares about who she would become.
Hi! I really enjoyed your story and the abrupt ending I thought was exciting. However, starting from your title, I thought it could have been different. ¨Why won't it end¨ sounds more like a teenager who is constantly living with this weight on their shoulder while the story describes someone who has recently turned 16 and recently turned into a vampire. It was slightly misleading to the rest of your story and seemed to not go with the rest of it.
I liked this- it was ominous and it was very detailed. I could picture the girl and her character. It shows that something is wrong with her- a sickness maybe (although we find out that she was a vampire) and it immediately sparks curiosity. However, as the short story progressed, It makes it seem like there is a light in the story that just ends abruptly.Also, I thought the overall reading was a little confusing. She sounded like she was happier than her family which lead me to think maybe she was going to control herself differently from the rest of her family. Maybe more ominous details leading up to her death would be better.
I like your idea and your story line, but I think more detail could have been added. Maybe explain more as to why she had to end her life or explain more about what her sister turned into. That would interest me because the sister is very briefly introduced then just goes away and leaves me with questions.
Good job! I would love to read more from you
Thanks so much for reviewing and all the nice things you said. Titles aren't my strong point hehe
^This was my favorite line.
It sets the stage for everything and perfectly hooked me into the story. Her head being described as heavy made me assume she was upset and the description of the blanket made me picture it in my head. A very solid first sentence.
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The story was very well written and intriguing. You have a very nice writing style that reminds me of my own slightly. You're very gifted in creating imagery.
This line was very poetic in nature and very nicely described. An engaging approach to say something simple helps entertain the reader.
Your story kept me guessing and curious to see what she was. The length, in my opinion, was perfect. Not too short and not too long. If much longer I might have lost interest or gotten tired like I was jumping through things to get to the end but I thought that the delivery of the ending came right on time. I was honestly not expecting the story to go in that direction and was extremely glad it did.
This was a blunt but satisfying ending. The sudden and concise writing reflected the quick revealing of the twist. Overall, very awesome story and I look forward to reading things you write in the future.
Thank you so much, I'm glad you liked it
Hi!!
Very good golden details, I can vision the girl in my head in the beginning paragraph.
The whole story has very good details and description leading up to the ending. I like how the whole time I am wondering what she is, but I feel that there could be more of a story. I feel like all I am reading is a description of what she looks like and what she sees, but I do not see much of how she is actually feeling besides she does not want to be who she is.
The ending is kind of abrupt because from the rest of the story, I do not get the feeling that she would rather die than be what she is. Maybe go into detail on what being a vampire would do to her besides just being unhappy and dark.
I would go into a better description of what happened to the rest of their family when this happened to them, and why is sixteen the magic age?
Your story has really good potential but I think there is just a lot of curiosity that leaves me with many questions.
I think this short story would be really interesting as a longer story so that you can add in more details.
Good job!
Thank you very much, that review is really helpful
The only reason I put 16 as being the magic age is because that's the age that you turn into a vampire fully in some fictional books I've read xx Thanks again
i liked this short story,i would love to see more short stories from you and never give up on writing.You can do much better.