z

Young Writers Society


12+

Fair Gone Wrong

by AmeliaGryffin


The fair had begun.

Dazzling lights flashed frantically, casting bright orange and pink pools of light onto the dewy grass. Dozens of stalls were lined up next to each other, each with their own bright logo and striped tarp, some selling fluffy candyfloss, others offering prizes to the lucky people that managed to knock a coconut off a teetering wooden column. Children flocked to each individual stall like a herd of excitable sheep, bleating at their parents to let them have a go. Sighing, the tired parents complied.

But by mid-day, the majority of the young children and families had left the fair, most of the children becoming exhausted and irritable after an hour or two. Leaving the teenagers to emerge. They prowled around in packs along the muddy tracks, sticking with their friends and occasionally judging an interesting fashion choice or a pair of over drawn eyebrows that were present in another group. Giggles floated through the air, exploding and fizzing randomly as the teenagers marvelled at the rides. Adrenaline pumped through their veins as they were flown and spun around on various twirling contraptions. Laughs and cheers could be heard everywhere.

The sky faded from crystal blue to sugary pinks and oranges, and then from burning ambers and reds to dark indigos. Slowly, the teenagers were trickling away from the fair, their breaths coming out as small misty clouds in front of them. The temperature had dropped significantly. Twinkling stars adorned the velvety dark blanket of the night sky like jewels on a luxurious dress, and the pale face of the moon gazed gently down at the remaining teenagers. It appeared to be frowning.

Alcohol had appeared at around 6 pm. One particular group had been drinking since then. There were about eleven of them, all of around sixteen years old. Half of them had never drank before, probably due to the fact that they were two years or so under the legal drinking age. They had been convinced to take a few sips by the others in the group. Although some were unsure and uncomfortable at first, within an hour or so they were chugging the alcohol happily. As most of them were so inexperienced, it did not take long for the alcohol to have a significant effect on them. They got very drunk, very quickly.

This group crashed through what remained of the fair, the harsh neon lighting illuminating their features garishly. All of the stalls had closed by now, it was at least half ten at night. Disappointed, the teenagers teetered away from the fair in a swarm, heading towards the park that was not far away. One of the boys started chanting a football song, other boys of the group joined in, some girls danced along the pavement, waving their arms too quickly and too frantically. The dim light of the lampposts bathed them in a sickening orange glow.

After a few minutes or so, the group reached the park. It didn’t have much, just a rusted swing set and a climbing frame that could hold about three people at a push. A small lake was close, and in the summer was home to a number of ducks and geese, which children would often go and feed. None of the teenagers could remember the reason they had decided to go there, but they weren’t in the right state of mind to question their decisions now.

They laughed and jeered, precariously leaning on each other whilst hiccupping and shouting. The cold air had no effect on them, in fact they could barely feel it at all. Everything before them was fuzzy and unfocused, as if their eyes had become grimy camera lenses. Every time they blinked, a photo was taken. Someone was taking their jacket off. Blink. People laughed. He veered unsteadily towards the lake, kicking his shoes off as he went. Blink. Shouts echoed. Blink. Lads cheered, egging him on. Blink. He jumped into the lake.

Blink.

For a few moments all was fine. Everyone could see him, waving his arms and cheerfully splashing the water at them all. They all continued to laugh. His face was obscured by the white froth that was created by his playful movements.

Blink.

They could no longer see him. Puzzled, they stared at the water, their laughs a little more forced and with decreased volume. The surface of the water was smooth and still, the inky blackness barely even rippling. As the seconds ticked on, their drunkenness diminished a little. Suddenly they could feel the icy wind on their faces. Suddenly their vision became less blurred. Suddenly they could realise how cold the water must be. Suddenly, a friend could remember that the boy in the lake was not a very confident swimmer. Suddenly, they all felt the slow, sickening feeling of their stomachs dropping. Suddenly, some of them came to the realisation that perhaps the splashing had not been playful; that perhaps it had been desperate.

Blink.

For a second they were all stone cold sober.

Blink.

The pictures they had taken with their glassy eyes were burned into their memories forever. A body, face down and still, floating on the surface of the water.

Blink.

The fair was over.


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235 Reviews


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Sat Dec 31, 2016 8:53 pm
inktopus wrote a review...



I didn't find many issues with the story at all. There were some unnecessary words and phrases throughout the piece an example being at the beginning you wrote, "Children flocked to each individual stall like a herd of excitable sheep, bleating at their parents to let them have a go." Individual wasn't really needed, and if anything the extra word takes away from the flow of the story.

I am not sure what tone you were going for, but the entire thing seemed dark. If you were trying to shock and surprise the audience I think you went about it in the wrong way. From the beginning, I was expecting something to happen. The buildup is great if that was what you were going for but with the cheerful summer fair imagery you describe the dark tone seems out of place. If you were going for a shock, then keeping a cheerful tone until the teens realize their friend drowned would be a better option.

Overall the story was very good. The two things that stood out most to me were the amazing descriptions you used and the varied sentence length. Those two factors really kept me interested the entire time I was reading. If I were to rate this it would definitely be a 9/10.




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Thu Dec 29, 2016 11:28 pm
iamanaspiringwriter wrote a review...



Overall, I enjoyed this story! I noticed some really strong descriptions and great imagery! One line that caught me off guard was,

" Half of them had never drank before, probably due to the fact that they were two years or so under the legal drinking age."

Adding the little side note about the teenagers being under the legal drinking age seemed out of place and not needed.

Another line:

"...it was at least half ten at night."

I think you mean half past ten???

I think I spotted a possible grammatical error here:

" A small lake was close, and in the summer was home to a number of ducks and geese, which children would often go and feed."

When you say "in the summer was home", I cannot give you the exact grammatical mistake, but from reading it something tells me there is. I would rephrase this sentence like "A small lake was close, which was home to a number of ducks and geese in the summer. Children would often go and feed them."

Besides that, I really have nothing else to say. Some of your descriptions were absolutely breathtaking, and your ending was so fitting! Overall, this short story was great! Keep writing and have a great day!




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Mon Dec 26, 2016 5:20 am
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sapphireluna says...



Okay yep.
I'm crying.
A lot.




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Mon Dec 26, 2016 5:20 am
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sapphireluna says...



Just re read it.
Still in shock.
I think I'm crying






I'm dying



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Mon Dec 26, 2016 5:18 am
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sapphireluna wrote a review...



sapphireluna back for yet another review!

OH. MY. GOSH. This is the best short story I have ever read in my entire life.
I have so so so so so much positive feedback I don't know if I can mention everything, so I'll start with the one con.

So for these sentences, most of the children becoming exhausted and irritable after an hour or two. Leaving the teenagers to emerge., I feel like you can compress the two of them into one. "...after an hour or two, leaving the teenagers to emerge." Ya. That's all.

Okay, so here's what I absolutely adored about your short story.

-EVERY SINGLE PARAGRAPH IS SO SO SO DESCRIPTIVE AND WELL WRITTEN. I could literally feel the air of the busy fair, and I could picture dusk approaching quickly and all of the 2-13 year olds exiting and the teens entering. Thanks to all of your description, I can picture the shuffling, giggling, pushing, and grinning of the the teens so vividly I feel like I'm one of them. I honestly don't know how you do it. I'm seriously in shock.
Favorite Paragraph:
"Dazzling lights flashed frantically, casting bright orange and pink pools of light onto the dewy grass. Dozens of stalls were lined up next to each other, each with their own bright logo and striped tarp, some selling fluffy candyfloss, others offering prizes to the lucky people that managed to knock a coconut off a teetering wooden column. Children flocked to each individual stall like a herd of excitable sheep, bleating at their parents to let them have a go. Sighing, the tired parents complied."
-What I think I love best about his short is how it's not focused a single person. I feel like nowadays stories are about one person and focused on only their point of view, whereas in your story I imagine an angel floating around and watching over the fair. This angel notices this group of kids in particular and follows them, and just watches as they live their lives and make mistakes and suffer. She doesn't do anything though, because she believes it is important for teenagers to have experiences and learn from their errors. Okay, moving on.
-THE TWIST AT THE END HAD ME IN SHOCK.
I literally sat their like
What. The. Hell. Just. Happened.
I also love love love the line at the end.
"The fair was over"
This was the perfect ending to a jaw dropping story.
I feel like somehow, you found some way to sum up the entire short in four words.
It expresses sorrow, but also shows that there was a fair. Some people had a happy day, even though these teens in particular didn't at all.
Thank you so much for writing this I have so much to think about now.
WOW!
KEEP WRITING, KEEP POSTING.
Believe me- your going places.
I REALLY look forward to reading more by you!
XXX,
Sapphireluna






Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Thank you so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed it, my mind has been blown by the positive comments you have made. Honestly I'm speechless. I never expected anyone to enjoy this story, or think it worthy of any praise. Thank you so much.



sapphireluna says...


Really?
WOW.



sapphireluna says...


I'm still so impressed by this short and I really hope you make more like it!





Thank you!



sapphireluna says...


Oh course!



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Fri Dec 23, 2016 3:36 pm
Featherstone wrote a review...



Hi, @AmeliaGryffin! Feather here to review!

You did an amazing job on this story. It is very descriptive and easy to imagine and the end...You did a beautiful piece. Just two pieces of criticism:

"It appeared to be frowning." I feel like this needs more.
"The cold air had no effect on them, in fact they could barely feel it at all." I think this would flow more smoothly if written: 'the cold air had no affect on them- in fact, they could barely feel it at all.'

Other than that, you did amazingly. Keep on writing!

-Featherstone




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Thu Dec 22, 2016 11:20 pm
Squirtlepowiee wrote a review...



Haiii!

This is a wonderful story. I like how each event transitions smoothly into the next. Your writing style stayed mostly consistent throughout the entire story.

There was one line that bother me though. The sentence, "Half of them had never drank before, probably due to the fact that they were two years or so under the legal drinking age." sounded very chunky compared to the rest of the story. The first part,"Half of them had never drank before" is okay. The second part, "probably due to the fact that they were two years or so under the legal drinking age" was what sounded kind of weird. The phrase "due to the fact" doesn't sound like it clips in correctly with the rest of the sentence.

I love how you used "blink". I don't know how to explain this, but it sounds satisfying. xD But my favorite part of the story was probably, "The pictures they had taken with their glassy eyes were burned into their memories forever. A body, face down and still, floating on the surface of the water. Blink. The fair was over." Whoa! What an ending! Keep writing!

Greetings from Squirtlepowiee :D





Il faut imaginer Sisyphe heureux (One must imagine Sisyphus happy).
— Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus