Published August 26, 2013
I didn't get that feeling of nervousness, butterflies fluttering their wings against my insides, until I started curling my hair. I don't think it had hit me until then, that I was going back to school. It felt too soon, like it should only be July, and I should be waking up to sunshine streaming in my windows at ten in the morning.
Unfortunately, it was August, and school starts today. I tug on my skirt, willing it to be longer. Pull yourself together, Lexi, you're a junior. You shouldn't be nervous about a first day of school.
Inside the front hall of my school, people are already congregated, talking and laughing and hugging in small groups along walls. I don't hear them, don't see them.
Where are my friends? We agreed to meet at our same spot. Am I just early, or did they move to another section of the hall?
I'm so busy looking for them that I don't notice him bolting down the hallway until he knocks me over. He lands on top of me, and looks at me with a stunned expression.
"Sorry," he says. "Sorry, sorry, sorry."
"Uhm, it's alright," I say, dusting myself off.
"Great," he says, then bolts off again, leaving me totally confused. I had never seen him before, and that's weird. I go to a small school, maybe a thousand kids. I know most everyone's face. And he didn't look like a freshman. Then it occurs to me that everyone saw me fall in the middle of the hallway.
"Lex? Lex, you okay?" Someone asks. I look up at Ally, my best friend. "You look like you saw a ghost."
"You... Didn't see that?"
"See what?" Now Ally's the one that's confused.
"I totally face planted in the hallway. Some guy knocked me over."
"No," Ally says, "You just walked over here. Maybe you're just nervous, Lex."
"Yeah, probably," I respond, but I know that I fell. I know I didn't imagine being knocked over. I'm just so confused.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,250 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Yo, I actually liked this.
Pull yourself together, Lexi, you're a junior.
"Uhm, it's alright,"
I go to a small school, maybe a thousand kids.
So before I tell you my thoughts on the piece I have a few nitpicks for you.
Spoiler
Formatting tip, when a characters thoughts are being shared with the reader, they're usually italicized to separate them from general description of what's going on.
Spoiler
A small tip, since you do it often. A comma is usually only put at the end of a line of dialogue when the dialogue will be continued after. You can see an example of this in the previous dialogue you wrote, where the speech was continued. Otherwise you use a period, or whatever you need.
Spoiler
Something about this annoys me. You separate the different lines with a comma, but they don't really lead into one another. I mean, I can tell what you're talking about when you say 'maybe a thousand kids', but inexperienced readers might not. If you replace the comma with the word with, and put a comma at the end instead of a period, it would all flow better. But hey, that's just my opinion.
Other than that you're golden.
I'm not sure if you're planning on continuing this, but I hope you do. At first it sounded really cliche, with the whole knocking someone over thing, but you added a twist that I really enjoyed. If this develops into a full story you could take it in many directions. From what you have so far, it sounds kind of like a paranormal/horror type of story, but that's just what I got from it.
Anyway I'm rambling. Good work, I really enjoyed it, and feel free to notify me when future chapters are posted, if you ever decide to post any.
Keep on writing.
Thankkk yoouu! Yeah, my formatting is super awkward on my ipod, so I usually end up doing that kind of stuff. *Huff* so annoying. I am planning on doing more chapters as soon as I figure out who, exactly, mystery boy is.
I like this beginning! So many questions! So many possibilities! Great job
Ok! So this is a great start. I actually really like where this is going. I do have some comments though. Your paragraphs are too short and lacking any detail that will help make the story smooth. Right now, I read it and am thrown back and forth through time like I'm watching this play out on fast forward 8X. You know what I mean? Slow it down. Bask in the details and linger in the picture you're creating in your head. Tell us what she's wearing not that she's just wearing a skirt. Show us the cliched picture of a perfectly put together teenage girl looking in the mirror to check for last minute flaws before she goes to school. Things like that. Currently your story is too rushed. Even the mystery boy's "Sorry. Sorry sorry sorry" Is rapid and rushed. Also in this part "I had never seen him before, and that's weird. I go to a small school, maybe a thousand kids. I know most everyone's face." You start to mess up the tense a bit.
"I HAD never seen him before, and that'S (that IS) weird. I GO to a small school, maybe a thousand kids. I KNOW most everyone's face" You switch it up here. I'd re read it and check up on that, as well as some places were your wording is awkward.
And yea... that's it. Great story! I wish you the best of luck and can't wait to read more of this story especially when you take your time and put in some detail. Great start!
Keep writing.
~Nightlyowl
Thanks! Yeah I just thought this up last night and felt the need to post since my school starts today. Obviously, it does need some editing.
Mystery boy's little snippet should feel a bit rushed (which will be explained later). Thank you for your comment!
I really like what you have going so far! Like what has already been said I think that your story so far is pretty rushed and that there are no details to paint the picture I'm sure you were trying to get across. After maybe adding a few details, dragging out the events a little it would be better. But I definatly like what you have so far, I can't wait to see what is going on with that boy who ran into Lex. Good luck!