Published January 14, 2014
She's stuck in a state of half awake
When will she open up her eyes?
Not until after I break...
He takes shelter behind blue eyes
Keeps fears and secrets locked down deep
Hiding and only telling lies
She's still in her world of black and white
A creation of her own
Side of her hand stained silver and fingers black as night
"I'm all right, I'm okay."
But it's not what I hear
Is that what he really meant to say?
Does she see?
Through to truth
What is going on with me
Eyes ringed red from nights too late
Doing God knows what
To try to escape from hate
Still can't see
She's still blind
This was never meant to be
And he won't tell
I'll never know
Is he just an empty shell?
Do I pull and take the fall?
It's just a trigger
To end it all
I wish I could have seen what was so blatantly wrong
I wish I could have told him
"Please be strong."
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139,610 Literary Works • 672,619 Reviews
The beginning of this poem was very strong and melancholily (is that a word?) beautiful; the ending stanza was simple and rueful. It flows like...well, a liquid. There is no place, at least to my ears, where the wording seems awkward or forced.
The only thing this poem could improve upon is that the middle is somewhat confusing, as the previous reviewer said. I had trouble figuring who was talking about what, and you may want to make it clearer.
Otherwise, your poem is well-written and deep and made me think (the purpose of writing!) - thank you for writing it. The world needs more of your message.
I-I don't know what to say. It's beautiful. I can't criticize it. Recently a boy killed himself in my home town. I wish someone would have stopped him.
This speaks my mind.
It tears at my heart. You're an amazing writer! My favorite part was
"I wish I could have seen what was so blatantly wrong
I wish I could have told him
"Please be strong." "
I like this because after it has happened it's done. You can't change it. You wish you vould have done something.
Well...good job! Keep writing!
~The Missing Piece.
This is such a sad, but strong, heart-wrenching bit of writing. Your wording and transitions were all really smooth, the whole poem flowed very nicely.
The only thing I have to question is the point of view. It feels to be shifting between people, but it isn't clear who's side we're hearing when, which I think takes away slightly from the overall effect of the piece. Perhaps go through and write in one point of view, or make clear transitions between sides and points of view between stanzas.
Otherwise, I think it's great. It is definitely speaking straight to those who need to step up to be there for their friends. I learned that lesson the hard way, so this makesa big imprint on me. Really beautiful, keep it up.