SARAH
There are moments that don't arrive with a thunderclap or flashing light. Some of them slip into your life unnoticed, like a leaf drifting onto your shoulder in autumn. Weightless. Silent. But somehow, you never forget the way it landed.
That’s how Alvin Reyes entered my story.
It was the first rain of October, and the sky wore a dull gray like a secret it wasn’t ready to share. The halls were quieter than usual, muffled by the soft hum of water on windows. I sat alone under the cracked awning near the art room, knees pulled to my chest, sketchbook open but untouched. My pen hovered over the paper, but my thoughts were somewhere else, everywhere else, maybe.
And then I saw him.
He walked past with his hood pulled low, raindrops clinging to the hem of his jeans, guitar case strapped to his back like it had always been there. He didn’t run from the rain. He moved through it like it belonged to him.
Alvin Reyes
People at school talked about him in fragments. Some said he was a genius, others said he was cold. Some claimed he was in a band, that he’d turned down offers to play live because he didn’t want attention. Others said he was just… strange. A little too quiet. A little too much in his own head.
But none of that mattered when he looked at me.
It wasn’t long, not even a full second. But in that breath of time, his eyes met mine, and everything else disappeared. The rain, the cold, the sound of my pen tapping nervously, all of it paused.
There was no smile. No words.
Just recognition.
Like something in him saw something in me.
And it scared me.
He looked away first, disappearing around the corner without a word. Like maybe it hadn’t happened at all.
I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
“Sarah!”
The voice pulled me back. Lily. My best friend since seventh grade, umbrella in hand, boots splashing through puddles as she hurried toward me. “You’re gonna catch pneumonia sitting out here like some sad movie scene.”
I smiled faintly and closed my sketchbook. “I like the rain.”
She handed me her extra scarf and raised an eyebrow. “You were watching him again, weren’t you?”
“I wasn’t watching anyone.”
“Sure. And I’m not failing math.”
She sat beside me anyway, our shoulders brushing, the scent of her strawberry lip gloss oddly comforting. Lily never missed a beat. She always noticed when I drifted into my head, always pulled me back before I went too far.
“You know,” she said, “you could talk to him. He’s not a ghost.”
I didn’t answer. Because he was more than a ghost. He was something I didn’t have a name for yet. Something that felt too fragile to touch.
Instead, I changed the subject.
****
That night, I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, my phone beside me glowing with unanswered notifications. Group chats. Homework reminders. Photos from school. But none of it mattered.
All I could see were his eyes.
All I could feel was the silence he left behind.
I didn’t know anything about Alvin Reyes—his favorite color, the way he took his coffee, the music he played when no one was listening. But I knew something that mattered more.
I knew what it felt like when someone looks at you like you’re not invisible.
And that was enough to make my heart start writing stories before my mind could catch up.
—
ALVIN
I saw her.
I don’t usually look at people. Not for long. But she was sitting there like she belonged to the rain. Not in a sad way—more like she and the sky had made a deal to feel everything in silence.
She didn’t look away when I caught her staring.
Most people do.
Her eyes were wide, curious, like they wanted to ask something but didn’t dare to speak it out loud. I wanted to stop walking. I wanted to say something. I didn’t.
Because I’m not good at beginnings. I’m better at endings.
Still, for some reason I don’t understand, I kept thinking about her even after I turned the corner. About how the sky seemed to fall around her like it didn’t want her to be alone.
Almost.
That word stuck in my throat.
Almost said hi.
Almost turned around.
Almost let the moment become more than a glance.
But I didn’t.
And maybe that’s the story of my life.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,197 Literary Works • 672,505 Reviews
Hello, My Friend!
Pleasure to meet you! My name is Raven, and I’d like to review your chapter, using my personal review style, the Familiar method! Let’s dive right in, shall we?
~ A full analysis and breakdown
Oh, wow! What an enchanting introduction to your characters and their daily lives! I like how you showed us that brief interaction from both Sarah and Alvin's perspectives, so we can really get a feel for what either is like! Let's get into the details though.
Plot and Pacing: Very nice! Short but sweet; it covers the basics and introduces the conflict, without stretching anything out or performing an info dump. Due to the length, it may fit a little better as a prologue...But as an opening chapter, it's just fine too! I mean, it hit all the marks of a good opening.
Descriptions and Setting: Awesome! You established a beautiful autumnal setting, with a touch of drama from the rain. I also like the details you chose to share about the characters, like the guitar Alvin carries.
Characterization: I like how similar Alvin and Sarah seems to be here, in terms of how they notice each other in the interactions. They both know there's something more to it, but can't seem to make the first step. Yet, they seem to be for different reasons. Sarah, intimidated. Alvin, unmotivated. It was interesting to read their interpretations.
Grammar and Wording: Great writing quality! I didn't catch any typos or the like.
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations
Not much to put here at all! Let’s break it down…
So again, I didn't catch any typos, nor could I think of any critiques in terms of storytelling! But especially since you clearly have a talent for descriptions, I thought I'd share one tip that'll really help up immersion and make that setting sparkle ~
That tip: try experimenting with sensory notes! You came close with that allusion to the feeling of an autumn leaf in the beginning, so I would double down! When you describe Sarah sitting under the awning, notebook in hand, maybe mention the sound of the sharp, rhythmic taps of raindrops falling against it. Likewise, maybe she feels the frigid air, and/or that stare with Alvin sends a few shivers down her spine. Smells are a powerful tool for immersion too, so maybe a detail about the fragrance of petrichor and/or fresh ink from her pen.
That’s all! Of course, this is just my opinion, and I am no professional, so please take any of this advice with a grain of salt!
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts
It's a bit too early for theories, but I will happily share a few reactions, and what stood out to me as I read!
Love the details! And what a powerful line, "moving through the rain like it belonged to him." I feel like this is a subtle way to tell us a bit about Alvin's personality.
I love the way you phrased this feeling! There's something there, but it's intimidating for poor Sarah...
Haha, nice touch of humor! Not only gave me a chuckle, but definitely brought out that schoolgirl vibe and setting!
Ooo, what an interesting thing for Alvin to say! And what a way to end the chapter! I'm already curious about what will become of these two...
MadThoughts...Overall, that was a great chapter! Nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Hi! I see you are new here at YWS and you’ve posted a new work! Hello and welcome, I hope you are doing well!
𔓘 Writing Commentary 𔓘
I love what feels like an introductory paragraph here. I love the details that are given to Sarah. It does a good job at showing pieces of her character!
I will say the last line “but my thoughts were somewhere else, everywhere else, maybe.” Is a little awkward when read along with the story. You want to express that her mind is somewhere else, paralyzing her so she can’t write. I think just keeping it to “My pen hovered over the paper, but my thoughts were elsewhere.”
ꨄ︎ Story Commentary ꨄ︎
This is a pretty short one, but comes off as more of a nice stinger or prologue for the start of a story. I like that we get to see the multiple POVs of our protagonists! We see that they are both unsure of whether or not to chase after these feelings they may or may not have for one another!
I like how Alvin highlights that Sarah “belonged” to the rain. It shows that both of them are a little awkward as people, but they are seeing each other through rose-colored glasses.
❀ Closer ❀
Anyway, nice story! I hope you continue to drop chapters here!