Published July 11, 2011
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140,588 Literary Works • 673,542 Reviews
Hi there!
I love your poem! To me, it's pretty much saying how you can overcome your past and move on with the help of God. It's beautiful and deep. It's a definite wakeup call. I'm not really a poet, so I can't really give you any pointers, although I don't think you would need any! Awesome job and keep it up!
- gleek456 <3
Thank all of you for your reviews.
And for taking the time to read.
This is very good! The emotion here is raw, undefined, and powerful and that's a great style of writing. My friend seems to be going through the same thing. Self-pity is just as dangerous as the pain itself. If you indulge to much you'll sink to the bottom and drown. I agree with the previous review though when he talks about your rhyme scheme. Make it consistent or take it out. Other than I love this!
Veritas
Hey, great job! I really liked the raw, but controlled emotion in the poem. You do the stream-of-consciousness thing well and I can tell you've been writing for awhile. There are a couple of ways you could improve though.
1. The rhyming is off. Sometimes you do near rhymes, sometimes you do perfect rhymes and sometimes it looks like you tried to rhyme it, but it just didn't work. (Examples: Pity doesn't really rhyme with badly but it looks like you were trying, laughs is a near rhyme to past, and Lamb is a perfect rhyme to am.) It's fine to do rhymed poetry or near-rhymed poetry or unrhymed poetry, but I'd keep it consistent. I'd pick a rhyme scheme (in this case you seemed to be doing AA BB CC, etc.) and stick with it.
2. You could make the emotion even more palpable by adding metaphor and making things a little less clear and defined. Leave a little room for mystery--that's half the fun of poetry.
All in all though, great job. Writing poetry from our own personal pain can be hard--and allowing others to see it even harder. I applaud the poem itself--there's a lot that you did very well--and your courage in posting it.
Very deep. Emotions are great things to tell in poetry. i know that many people can understand that feeling. I liked the end a lot. It made me think.
I love short and amazing poems like these. Very well constructed:D. I hope whatever had you down for so long is in your past, and you have all the strength you need to move on!
Keep up the writing, can't wait to see more.