They say

I noticed something about this poem before, put I didn't know quite what until now. This isn't a poem, it's a song! It would make an awesome song! Do you play an instrument? Maybe you could write it into a song. It might seem like all poetry works for song lyrics, but that is deffinitely NOT true. I think this would work much better as lyrics.

Hope that helps, and it's possible to do!

Sage

I think it makes perfect sense, but it's simply a little cliche'. I also think you should make the meaning a little clearer. I understand that some people like the purpose of their poetry to be a little blurry, but there's nothing wrong with being descriptive. Who exactly left you? A lover, friend, sibling? Did they even leave you, or did they die? Where are you, and other than grief, what are you feeling?

When we lose someone, our feelings obviously are the main thing that keeps us from moving on. There is more than just remorse. There is guilt, regret, hopelessness, and sometimes relief. This is a trendy topic for poetry, so it's hard enough writing something more original. I think the topic of loss never really mentions these other feelings, or how strong they truly are. Are the negative emotions so strong that they make your heart heavy, or your stomach twist?

It isn't bad, but if you do feel this way, really think about the affect it has on you. Let us feel it too for a moment, show us the significance that it has in your life! Pour yourself over the paper.

Keep writing (:

Heyy!

I do think this makes sense! However, I think it would be nice if you could tell us more!

Amberla93 wrote:I am frozen as the tears stream down my face.
I’m lost in a whirlwind, trying to recognize this place...
I’ve been here so many times before.
But this time… with you it meant so much more. --> This place sounds interesting, so tell us more about it. What does it look like, who else is there, what feels so dramatically different about this place now that he isn't there?

You were more than just a phase.
And when you left, it was hard to breathe. --> Phase does not rhyme with breathe. Up until this point (and even a little bit after) the rhymes are consistent [ex: face/place, before/more, strong/wrong] Maybe try to get these two lines here to rhyme, since it stands out that they don't
They say what doesn’t kill you, will make you strong.
But, babe, I’m here to tell you, they are wrong. --> Favorite lines!!

They say; you should never look back.
They say; what’s past has passed.
And they say; you should try to forget.
They say; it’s never worth it.

But, I’m thinking of you today, I remember our dreams.
I remember you and me…
Found an old photograph, and remembered…
The moments that couldn’t last.
No matter how much I wanted them to
Today, I remembered you. --> the word remember (or variations of it) is used a LOT in this stanza. Maybe try to find another word for remember so that there is some variety. Try using recall?

They say what doesn’t kill you, will make you strong.
But, babe, I’m here to tell you, they are wrong.
They say, you and I are where we belong.
Babe, I’m here to tell you, they are wrong.

well,
it's good piece, but i think you can do better.
yes it makes sense as (the reviewers mentioned).
the flow was good! but, you can add some back up pictures and imagery to the middle before the end stanza.i love your second stanza! directed well too!
any way overall it's a meaningful poem, keep up and update us with more !

You wrote this well. It makes sense, and you got your meaning across, but still left some room for the reader to wonder if the other person just left, died, ect. Well done.

This poem had really good flow at the beginning but sort of fell apart a little in the second to last stanza. I think overall the feel is really good and I think you got your message across fairly well. I can connect to this poem and it leaves a bitter sweet taste in my mouth. Very melancholy. My one nit pick on this would be that you say babe. But that's just a little thing that bothers me, nothing that needs changed really. This was a really good piece. So good in fact, I feel that I'm going to like it, which doesn't happen often. =] Great work.

Hi! Your poem does make sense, the meaning is just a little bit elusive for me. I know it's about two lovers, but I don't know if one died or simply left. It seems like one died, but I'm not 100% sure. This poem has a lot of potential, but it does need some work.
Rhyming it tricky. You have to incorperate the right words without compromising the message, and I think your having a hard time with that on at least some of your lines. Rewrite this poem, but forget about the rhyming, just write out what you want to say. Then, after you are happy with a poem that doesn't rhyme, you can decide to work it into rhymes, or leave it as-is.

I do like your poem; it's very bitter-sweet, and it tells a nice story.
Keep working on it!
Sage