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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Two main issues with this. First, the period at the end of every line. Second, the forced rhyme.
Having a period at the end of every line is very jarring. Your readers already naturally (albeit briefly) pause as they switch from one line to the next, so having the period there is overkill. In addition, the period indicates the end of a complete thought, so the pause given to a period is more weighty than one given to a comma or a other form of punctuation. By having a period at the end of every line, you signal to your reader that each line is a complete thought, which it isn't, and so break up the flow of ideas in your poem. This makes for very jerky reading.
The second issue is the how obvious it was that you picked words to end lines with because they rhymed and not because they were actually relevant to the subject. What does twirling have to do with being strong? Pearls aren't really worth that much nowadays with how they can be farmed, so I would think a person, any person, is worth far more than a single pearl. By picking words that rhyme just for the sake of rhyming, you cheapen the impact of your poem.
So, overall, try punctuating your poem less harshly and don't rhyme just for the sake of rhyming. Poems don't have to have every line end with punctuation, or begin with a capitalized letter, and punctuating properly oftentimes helps your poem be easily readable. Also, by not forcing yourself to rhyme, or even using different rhyme schemes, you open yourself up to a whole range of different forms such as free verse or even more set forms like villainelles and sonnets.
The best way to learn how to write poetry is to read it, and I encourage you to read a wide range of poets. You may be surprised and inspired by what you find.
Very imaginative. And very. . . I don't know. Maybe weird but in a good way. It's like giving an advise to a friend, very different from most poems I see around here. You did a great job. The rhymes sounded a bit forced, but there's nothing bad in that as long as the rhythm keeps the poem flowing, which you took care happened.
Write on. You've got that something. Just try to find what that something is. Yeah, I know. It's a sentence a lot of people use :/
I liked it. I think I'll see more poems from you in the near future.