Published July 30, 2011
Dark and Grey
Shackled and Chained.
Gaurds Protect
The only thing left
Left of me.
When you left
I lost my nerve,
I fell away
And kept my space.
Trying to never remember
Your name
I guessed and guessed
Till I got it right.
With your name
My heart took flight
I buried deep down
All the sadness and pain.
But hearing, remembering
Your name
Will always bring back
Some of the pain.
There were good and bad
I can say
You helped me
On my darker days
You helped me, when i was
All alone.
But you also left me, falling
below.
Dreaming of you, I never
Thought I'd do.
But it's a bittersweet serenity
A sanity asylum
Falling from above.
I've finally recovered.
With strength.
But I just happened to
Remember your name
On my darkest day.
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139,476 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
I really like this! I'm not very good at reviewing poetry; I'm more of a short story/novel gal. But I very much related to this because I lost someone very dear to me too. I feel like you've really got something good here. Great voice. I hope to read more of your work. Keep writing!
Cheers,
Luxe
Oooh, I like. The beginning really drew me in and the ending was so... perfect. You did a wonderful job. Keep Writing!
-JustMe
I liked it.
To me it expressed your feelings.
And it had a nice rhythm to it.
Very nice.
I loved hwo much emotion you captured in this, and I think it's really good. But, you misspelled some words (one) and in one place your grammar (to me) was somewhat lacking in one area. You broke your pattern Of two lines three times, it works for the poem, I just think that it would be neater if you fixed that.
All in all, awesome job.
Hey there!
I have to say, what a great poem. Your sadness and anger is reflected greatly and you convey the emotions so well.
I love the layout and the rhythm it matches the poem just perfectly and it flows so well.
This I can say is one of the best poems I have ever read from Young Writers Society.
Keep writing, especially about things that you feel deeply about because it's clear that this comes from your heart and that is where all the best poems come from.
Well done, great work!
Hii, I'm Demoness and I'll give you my opinion on this piece here and now;
Also, add some commas or dots here and there and it'll be further improved. Otherwise; THIS WAS AWESOME!
Oh my,, I really loved this one. So full of both imagery and emotion! It really got to me and the ending was amazing! One or two things though, you change between using two lines in on stanza to only one and then there is three at times. I think you should stick to one way or change it symmetrically
Good Luck & Keep Writing!
// Demoness
Nice poem you've got here! I enjoyed it.
Though... although the format is interesting with all those short stanzas, I would suggest to group them into four lines at least. It gets distracting at a certain point.
Other than this great poem and use of imagery! Your rhythm/rhyme is also good. Well done!
Ok. So first of all, I would just like to say that this was very sweet! I enjoyed reading it and I think that your friend is very happy for you for writing this for her! As for grammatical errors, there were quite a few. There were some parts that needed commas, periods etc and then other parts that didn't need them but you added them anyways. As for the format, I personally don't like it as it makes the poem seem very long. But this poem pulled it off pretty well! The flow was a bit choppy, but that's mainly because of the grammatical errors and the format. Other than those few things, I definitely think this is a good poem! Keep writing!
A few grammar, spelling, and punctuation mistakes. You should edit this, ASAP.
Other than the mistakes, it was pretty good. The rhyming was good. Your use of imagery was okay...; I, personally, think you could've described the scene better. Also, describe the emotions better. How was the narrator feeling? Sad? Alone? Guilty? Was this for the 15 0Words or Less contest? If it wasn't, you should make it longer. If it was, good job; it's the perfect length for the contest.
Good job. Best of luck.
- Ariel<3'
Hey there, Amber. First and foremost, welcome to the site. Second, thank you so much for sharing this poem with us because I know that remembering things like this can be very difficult not just poetically but as a friend.
One nitpick that does sort of bother me is your use of capitalization here. This is namely because, well, it looks kind of silly because they’re the only words that show up like this throughout the piece.
Like it was already said before, this is really a very well thought out line and it sticks in my head sort of like the lyrics to an Emilie Autumn song.
Overall, though, you do a really good job of grabbing that haunted, heart-ached feeling that the loss of a friend carries with it. It would have been nice to see a bit more of your friend fleshed out in the poem but that aside, I’m sure your friend would be honored by this.
If you have any questions, just send me a PM or leave a post on my wall!
~lilster
Wow, this was amazing. It was so sweet, and had a lot of emotion. The short stanzas and lines made me feel like I was losing the words, and since your topic was loss, it fit well. It was interesting how at the end your stanzas had three lines, then two again, then three. Was there any reason for that? I like all those lines, but it did kind of bother me that your format changed there.
i should be capitalized! These lines were great, and I can definitely relate. It was a bittersweet poem, I really liked it.Here, as requested. I should tell you now I don't often critique or read poetry so I can't be as helpful as others but I will say I liked this. I thought read almost like a song rather than a poem but that is fine - it simply means it flow well I guess.
a sanity asylum This really tops it off I think. Like I said I'm not one for poetry but this seems pretty good to me!
Interesting format...I would not use this format myself because it makes the poem seem sooo long. Other than that, this was really great and I like it a lot. I didn't really see any mistakes or anything like that. I didn't care too much for the format because it made it appear really long.
Good work nonetheless.
I suck at giving reviews