My Knight

by Amberchelli

  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

Published October 26, 2011

Could you just say “Im here”
Could you just say “ I love you”
Couldn't you just be there
when I needed you the most

Couldn’t you just hold me tight
Tell me everything alright
Tell me I’m your little girl
You’ll always be my knight in shining armor

Tell me the things I dont want to hear
Whisper Goodnight in my ear
Your always there for her
I dont even know the sound of your voice.

I’ve never heard my name
Come from your lips
My castle is falling apart
No one to save me

Wheres my Knight?
Why isnt he there for me?
Where are you?
Daddy wont you come save me?

Behind the Bars.
Dressed in orange.
Made his choice.

My tears are flowing down
My heart is sinking
My castle is falling.
My trust is running away.

Why couldn't you be there.
All I needed was a daddy.
All I needed was you.
Your never here.

I know you dont care.
You dont see my tears.
You are the pit of my fears.
No man can I trust, my daddy left me.

My Knight, you haven’t come.
My castle is but a mound of rocks.
My heart turned to stone.

You couldn’t- wouldn’t take the time.
To be there for me.
You didn’t see me
Now you wont even try.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
SilentRain
Review
SilentRain wrote a review Review · Dec 6, 2011

Hello :) Rain here,

Grammar errors- RED
Things I thing should change- BLUE
Things I liked- PURPLE
Other questions/comments- GREEN

Could you just say “I'm here” << Comma
Could you just say “ I love you”
Couldn't you just be there
when I needed you the most I think it would be better to stick to present tense here because the other lines are and it would sound better without losing its meaning.


Couldn’t you just hold me tight <<Agian I think this should be present tense "can"
Tell me everythings alright << "S" needs to end "everything
Tell me I’m your little girl, because << I think this would go good here, reading sounds a little better, if you don't like it though don't worry.
You’ll always be my knight in shining armor


Tell me the things I dont want to hear << I like that, the fathers role is to tell the daughter what they dont want to hear.
Whisper Goodnight in my ear
Your always there for her << Who is this "Her"? You dont mention her again and you dont say anything about her here.
I dont even know the sound of your voice.


I think the problem I have with this stanza is that you say so much with out really saying anything else to explain. I think you should take out third line and make it into a seperate stanza after this one saying who see is. And to replace it say something like "say anything to me, because" I think that would work good there :)

I’ve never heard my name
Come from your lips
My castle is falling apart << Love this line
No one to save me I think you should change this to "And your not here" sticking to the theme of your father not being there.


Wheres my Knight?
Why isn't he there for me? << Comma
Where are you?
Daddy wont you come save me?


Behind the Bars.
Dressed in orange.
Made his choice.

^^^
I think you should just get ride of this whole stanza, it confuesses the reader, you say her is always there for her, but if he is behind bars how could he? I think it adds nothing to this.

Why couldn't you be there.
All I needed was a daddy.
All I needed was you.
ButYour never here.
I think But sounds good here. Your should be "You're" as in you are.

I know you dont care.
You dont see my tears.
You are the pit of my fears.
No man can I trust, my daddy left me. << I don't really like this line, it reads awkwardly, well to me at least.

My Knight, you haven’t come.
My castle is but a mound of rocks. Love this
My heart turned to stone.

You should have one more line here to keep the structure constant.

You couldn’t- wouldn’t take the time.
To be there for me.
You didn’t see me
Now you wont even try. << This line kills the ending, the first three lines sets up for a great last line but this just isn't it, I think with a little thought you can find something much better to say here, becasue we already know that he wont try. Maybe end with something like "So I wont see you" or something else.



Over all, I liked it, it needs a little work but I'm sure you can do that just fine. I noticed that you had rhyme in some stanzas and not in others and that the rhyme was very wild, watch out for that, if using rhyme it should have a set structure. Also, though you do have some good imagry, there is not much of it, imagry makes a poem great. When writing try to make up see with your words, don't just tell us, show us :) Other then what I have said, lovely poem, you convay your emotions well, and the bit of imagry you have is good.

Oh, I almost forgot! You should put "Knight" in quotations, kinda to add scarcasm to it, because, as you state, her is not your Knight after all.

Good job and keep writing :)

~Rain

User avatar
xhellysmx
Review
xhellysmx wrote a review Review · Oct 29, 2011

Hey there! I think you have a very sweet message in your poem. I could tell that a father is supposedly can be described as a Knight and that you want him to love and protect you against all odds. And yes I could detect some errors in your poem like

Your always there for her
,you should have written You're. And I think you should add some supporting words in the line
No one to save me
like
No one's here to save me
. Maybe? I don't know,that's just me but I do enjoy reading your poem. Keep writing! :)

User avatar
Payne
Review
Payne wrote a review Review · Oct 29, 2011

Hello, here to review. As I've said before, I don't know much about poetry, but I'll give it my best shot.

There were quite a few mechanical errors here, mostly with your contractions (don't, isn't, etc.). Nothing a little proofreading won't fix.

This is obviously a very personal subject, and you conveyed your feelings very well. The writing itself may have been a little rough, but I came away with an impression of loss, on many levels.

Couldn’t you just hold me tight
Tell me everything alright
Tell me I’m your little girl
You’ll always be my knight in shining armor
This last line threw me off. It doesn't really go with the flow in the rest of the stanza, I think because of it's length.


Tell me the things I dont want to hear
Whisper Goodnight in my ear
Your always there for her
I dont even know the sound of your voice.
Again, these last two lines bother me. They vary too much in length.


My castle is falling apart
I think this is my favorite line; I like the imagery.


No man can I trust, my daddy left me.
'My daddy left me' should be on its own line; you could actually omit it, if you wanted to, and I think your meaning would still be clear.


You couldn’t- wouldn’t take the time.
Just personal preference, but I think this part interrupts the flow. Consider either breaking it up, or omitting part of it.


The imagery and flow could use some work, along with maybe establishing a rhythm or pattern in the stanzas. Right now, it seems a little haphazard.

Overall, though, I liked it. Keep up the good work, Amber.

User avatar
Seraph
Review
Seraph wrote a review Review · Oct 26, 2011

Wow! This is a great poem! If you are into writing novels or stories, then I highly suggest that you write one based off of this poem! If you incorporate the story and the poem into one piece, it could be golden! You have already created a masterpiece just making a suggestion. Keep writing! Gotta love those love poems. =D



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