Published September 24, 2011
ATTENTION READERS: this is as far as i could get, so any and all suggestions are helpful to help me finish.
I see it in your eyes,
We’ve grown apart over time.
Its not the same,
That we used to be.
Each day,
We’ve lost more time
With each other.
Passing the days, with closed minds.
I look around
And I don't know who I see.
Remember those days,
When love was all we had.
Seems like now,
We havent got the time,
Nor the words to say,
But I just wanted to stop,
I love you anyway.
With that phrase
I hope you see,
All my work
Is a symphony.
For you to see.
Your all I have,
Your all I know.
I just wanted to let you know.
I still love you more.
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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Great poem the only thing that kind of bothered me was the bit at the end,
"With that phrase
I hope you see,-----------------------------------alright. .
All my work
Is a symphony.
For you to see.------------------------------------- you already mentioned see, so it kind of makes it less fluent.
Your all I have,
Your all I know.
I just wanted to let you know.
I still love you more."
I think if you just totally took out the second see line, it would be better, your last stanza already had one line extra. actually all your stanzas are different lengths. . so never mind about the last part, but you should try to change it!
Other then that great job! You can feel a lot of meaning in there, work on metaphors, and paint a picture of your love for us!
-LLW
Spoiler
Ok any changes I make (suggest) will be in blue
I see it in your eyes,
We’ve grown apart over time.
We're not the same,
That we used to be.
Each day,
We’ve lost more time
Then we wish.
Passing the days,
with closed minds.
I look around
I don't know who I see. (No" and")
Remember those days,
When love was all we had?
Seems like now,
We haven't got the time,
Nor the words, (No "to say")
But I just want to stop,
and say,
I love you.
With that phrase
I hope you see,
All my work
Is a symphony.
For you to see.
You're all I have,
You're all I know.
I just wanted to let you know.
I still love you to much.
I thought you could have given it a better title, but I really liked the poem. Maybe end it with something about 'we've run out of time', because you've said 'We've grown apart over time', 'We've lost more time' and 'Seems like now we haven't got the time'. But, hey, it's your poem
I have a couple issues with this poem and so I'll warn you that I'm in the mood to tear this apart.
First is that it's lackluster in imagery or really any deeper emotion. It more or less states what is going on without really opening it up to us and letting us see and feel what you feel. Also, you weren't rhyming all but for one stanza, which was a little strange. Beyond this, it's difficult to make a love poem unique, as it's truly all been done before, and that was definitely difficult for you to escape here. The fact that you simply titled this "Love" doesn't help either. Now I'm not saying this is a terrible poem, because it truly isn't, I'm just saying that it's all been done before.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver