As the stars begin to allign
The moon’s soft glow makes your skin shine.
Dusk rolls over the hills of our fair town
Your simple beauty surrounds me and steals away my frown.
The darkness of night adds to your elegance
You have me trapped under your trance.
It all seems so clear
When with you, I have no fear.
As the night grows stronger, so does our love
And we fit together like a hand in a glove.
So take your hand in mine
And tell me everything will be fine.
The lake shimmers under the moon
A midnight swim together in the lagoon.
Our cheeks hurt from the constant grinning
And our night is only beginning.
We frolic through the sweet fields of flowers
Until we take shelter from the light showers.
We sit under the great willow tree
Still feeling free.
I lay my head on your shoulder
As the night grows colder.
We sit and talk
Ignoring the pains from our long walk.
We know the night won’t last
Even though it disappears so fast.
We make the most of what remains
Of the night and it’s crisp rains.
We sit together hand in hand
Looking out onto the dark land.
Is our time coming to an end?
Our emotions are beginning to blend.
Our eyelids are beginning to slow
As we both begin to let go.
We fall asleep in each other’s arms
Releasing all our charms.
I wake to see dawn creeping over the hills
As I am filled with riveting chills.
I look to where you sat the previous night
Only to see that you have already taken flight.
Your absence fills the fields around me
As I let go of any left over glee.
Tears stroll down my face
And fall as if it were a race.
My love for you will never disappear
As you did here.
The moments that we shared last night
Will be with me at any height.
I must learn to live without you
This much is true.
But how?
It seems impossible now.
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140,707 Literary Works • 673,673 Reviews
Hey there, AmberSunset!!
When you write more in future, do break it into stanzas. Don't disturb this one as it'll disturb the rhymes that are really beautiful.
This is Eros here, with a review for this beautiful Poetry on this special occasion of the Review Day!!
I really was caught with the title of the poem in the green room and I felt I should just start reading it. And I really enjoyed reading it.
The rhyming scheme is great! It's really really difficult to write it ...and I appreciate you tried it! It fits the poem. I loved it. One suggestion though... Please break the spoem into stanzas... But gosh, that'll disturb the rhyming scheme of the poem...
I know I know!!! The last lines:
I must learn to live without you but it's impossible! So trueeeeee!! Loved it. Absolutely loved it.
Loved how you have described the beauty of the special someone in the moon-light.
I loved the words you have used here and I loved the way you have expressed everything ...it was full of deep feelings and emotions.... Gosh. Of someone ever writes something like this for me, I'll be all theirs!
It was beautiful. Keep writing such as some stuff and we would love to keep reading them and reviewing them!!
Have a great day/ night!
Happy review day!
With love,
From Eros.
Good morning (is it morning??? Oh well... somewhere)
I absolutely love this! I write a lot of love poems, and though mine are cheesy and simple and meant mainly to make my girlfriend smile, I have a great admiration for other's more elegantly written works..... Though this one appears to end on a brokenhearted note.
You do have a lovely AA, BB, CC scheme going here, but i'm not sure it quite fits with the length of your poem. It makes it read a bit more jerky than I like, but that is only my opinion and not a criticism!
Your spelling is all great, and i see no real grammar issues.
Great job and keep on writing!
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Thanks for the review! Being my first poem, I appreciate hearing the critiques. I love hearing that my message of heart break can come across well! Thanks for the criticism... next time I%u2019ll probably make my poem a bit shorter! Thanks a bunch!
Hello, Anne here to leave you a review. I always love reviewing works like this, because they are so beautifully written. By the end of this poem, I felt like I had a connection with the pain presented in it.
First of all, I admire how you were able to keep your rhyme scheme consistent. AA, BB, CC, etc. Many people seem to change not only the sounds, but the form from stanza to stanza. ( Of course changing the sound is normal, but I think you get what I mean.) I really enjoyed your imagery and I feel like adding more of it would have made this poem even better. Some lines that I enjoyed are:
" As we both begin to let go" and
" Still feeling free"
These simple words placed into your poem in the manner that you included them really enhances the meaning of your poem. They seem to stick with the reader, in the best sort of way.
One thing that stuck out to me is that your stanzas were not really spaced out. This seems like a problem that many people on YWS seem to have. It is nothing that the 'enter' key can't fix, so I would not worry about it too much. Another thing that I would change is one of your lines towards the beginning of the poem. " Your simple beauty takes away my frown". For some reason, I feel like this was a little bit too predictable. Even though your rhyme scheme was the same, some lines were easier to predict than others. I would maybe change this line to something like, " Your simple beauty surrounds me and steals away my frown".
As you may have guessed, there is not a lot to change here. I did not notice any grammatical errors. I really look forward to reading your work in the future, keep up the good work!
-Anne
Thank you so much for your review! This is my first poem on YWS and I enjoyed listening to what you had to say! I do agree with you and your criticism... and I like the new line you came up with. Thank you so much again!
No, thank you! Keep writing, I would love to review more of your work!!!!!