Published March 23, 2011
River
Jump into my mouth and into my waters,
My bed is filled with precious gold.
My banks and above hold species of animals,
Some never seen before.
I run into my mother,
Whom is the ocean.
I feed off of her in many ways.
Then my fellow brothers and sisters,
Who lay and run near me.
As for my cousins,
They are the lakes.
So many of which are great.
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Hey there Ambeanie! (can I call you beanie? Lol!)
I don't really like this, sorry! i think it may be because not much really happens! If one reads through the entirety of the poem, it is clear that it's just... a description of a river, and a basic one at that! Think about it! all you say is that you have a lot of fish, your mother is the ocean, and your cousins are lakes!
Also, it doesn't look like you spent much time at all fleshing out the few thoughts that you imbued into your poetry! For example, you don't explain what you mean by "feeding off" your mother or why the lakes are "great"! I assume that the former is a literal, bare bones description (like a river feeding off a ocean) and the latter refers to the Great Lakes! If so, you could totally try injecting these entities with emotion! Like talking about how not only your mother is a source of water and life, but she also sometimes rages and fumes in whirlpools/hurricanes!
Okay, that's about it! This wasn't a great poem! But I think you can do better by changing alot of the stuffs!
Peace, love, chocolate
SmileyBubbles
Hey there! Welcome to YWS, Ambe!
Just a quick reminder: Since you've posted one piece of work, you should review two pieces of work. It'll replenish your points, and allow you to post another piece of work. 50 points are given per review (Or less, depending on the length.), and 100 points are used for each piece of work you post.
So, remember the 2:1 ratio! 2 reviews for every 1 piece of work.
Anyway, here's a quick review.
The fourth line in the above got me a bit confused.
I feed off of her in many ways. Then my fellow brothers and sisters, (cont.)
You could tweak this part a bit. Here's a suggestion:
I feed off of her in many ways.
Then, my fellow brothers and sisters
lie and run near me.
If you'd like to keep the 'who lay and run near me' line, you'll have to reword the lines before that a bit.
I like the way you started the poem.
It was quite cute. Since water bodies have mouths, just like humans. Well, not for the same purpose, but they're both called mouths anyway.
Well, see you around! Keep writing.
I like this poem, it is good you can imagine yourself as something. I think if I had to imagine myself as something it would be the wind. Because who doesn't like a good breeze.