Published January 7, 2009
Derived from the deepest shadows, feeding off of fear
Growing with each passing sundown, dieing with the dawning light
They’re looking forward to the future, stinking of pain and blood and terror
Of a day when there’s no more sun, and they can take us over
They’re that shudder down your spine, the high pitched whistling in the trees
The voice that calls your name so softly, only you can hear
We all know that they’re right behind us, waiting in the dark
Held off by our disbelief, but just one person is enough
Thousands of them look at us when they think we can’t see
Eyes a bloody red, they’re corrupted of humanity
Looking in through windows, while every night we sleep
So soundly in our beds, while in terror the children weep
They aren’t the cause of death and torturer, they only bank the coals
So again and again the fire will rise, and consume us whole
Eating away at our flesh and bone, until there’s nothing left
Only an empty shell of hope, hope for what we could have been
Their voices come from victims screams, heard only in the dark
Their bodies are the shadows cast, by people standing in the light
Filled with hunger, all consuming, wanting to be free
So the feed off our terror, to take away the sting
I am one of them now, unable to break free
Sucked in by the deepest sorrow, driven by my greed
Incessant hunger knowing at my body, mind and soul
Dieing in the sun, breeding in the night
You’ll never kill us, but rule you we just might
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,690 Literary Works • 673,595 Reviews
The bold lines are revised versions, technical things I thought should be changed. Where I cut out, change, or add words, it's to improve the rhythm. In some places you had lines that were too lengthy so it interrupted the flow you had going. There were also a few places where I added some punctuation, I just wanted you to notice that.
You misspell 'dying' in two places.
Also notice that I added periods to the end of each verse.
If you have any questions about any of the changes I made, go ahead and send me a PM. I probably won't see it if you reply in this thread.
Good luck with this.
Excuse me, but you're supposed to review two works before posting any of your own. I'd love to critique this, but I'd appreciate this if you reviewed first. Once you've done that, you can PM me and I'll review this.