Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
The silence was deafening…..the darkness was blinding…..the feeling, numb, cold, and…dead…the world…..has finally ended.
These words rang throughout the world. Echoing in every cave and valley, spreading like disease across countries, then continents. The people who heard these words shivered and shook in their skin. The world had ended? But weren’t they there? Want to know a secret? No one had been there for a long time, the “world” that we keep talking about, was our old world, one that was dangerous, and ruled by Natural Selection….It was paradise compared to here.
The “World” that was so terrible and left behind was Earth. Now we, meaning the Human Race, inhabit a new world that has always been known to humans. It has had many names since the beginning of time; Valhalla, Home of dead heroes; The Isle of Bliss; Elysia; and Heaven. We now have named the planet appropriately after its natural inhabitants; Welcome to the planet of the Angels, Angelus.
~ ~ ~
The ringing was always shrill, but loud and strong. Everyone in the village knew what that sound meant, and everyone knew to be scared. The guards started rushing, children running into the arms of their mothers and fathers. “Everyone to the bunker!” yelled the Villages oldest member, the Mayor. Aaron looked around, everyone running back and forth, rushing to the end of town, to the old church.
Darron stood in an ally way, his black hair down to his ears, his skin pale as the moon. Eyes dark and focusing on the sky, watching for the threat hidden in the clouds. The first sight was always the scariest, you never knew which rank would come. One day it would be the Presidents, the next it would be the Archangels, then it would be the foot soldiers; so on and so forth forever.
“Darron! You dumb boy! Run!” he knew that yell, but knew the concern in it to be a lie. His mother had always despised Aaron, all because he looked only like his bastard of a father, his traitor of a father. Aaron ran towards the voice, not looking at his mother, and her not looking at him as she ran. Her blonde hair in a long braid down her back, eyes the color of warm honey.
“You ignorant piece of…” the last part was drowned out by the crash of a cannon, firing blindly up into the clouds. Darron and his mother hurried to the church, getting into the row of pews just seconds before the doors closed behind them. Darron panted next to his mother, all the children, elderly, and females were in the church. The preacher quickly headed up to the dais and stood in front of the podium.
“We have all been brought here together for one reason, and one reason alone. We are the future, and we were the past! We must survive for the future of the Village, for the future of the clans, for the future of the Human Race!” as the preacher started to say this, Darron slipped out the large oak doors, quickly and quietly enough to not alert anyone as they headed to the front pews to sit, and pray.
Darron slipped between houses, a small ball of black fur wiggling against the fabric of his shirt, poking out of the top of it. “Knox, you little brat.” Darron just chuckles quietly before stopping behind a building near the town center, and the gates into town. The large fountains, long since gone dry, now covered in overgrown bushes and vines. The guards and males from town all gathered around the fountain, Darron sneaking in behind them to listen to the leader of the corps.
The bell tolling deeper as the danger appears, bright flashes of light in the sky, shadows creeping along the earth, and the familiar sight of the fallen being resurrected to fight against their comrades. Darron ran, headed to his hiding place, outside the wall and to the old shrine. Knox squeaks softly in his shirt, and he pulls him out and sets him on his shoulder.
“We have to run, I can’t stay in this village anymore.” Darron sighed, rubbing his birthmark softly out of habit, him not truly being a member of the village, and not truly having a mother. Knox squeaks and barks softly, alerting Darron to an Angel standing in front of him, the angel was obviously an Angel of high level.
“We need to find the infected one, and quickly.” The angel slowly walks away, talking to other angels, and checking alleyway after alleyway for humans, killing all in their path. “We have got to hurry.” Drake mumbles as he runs faster and farther from the church and front of the village, headed to the back wall.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I like the whole angel theme you've got going here. You see rarely few people can pull it off, though i think you could. I like it so far yet the scenes are short. You're going at a fast pace and i think you outta slow down. Detail out the scenes a bit more, let the reader picture in their mind what you do. You want the reader to keep on reading, but why would they want to read something that's very choppy? You've got great ideas for this story and i really like it. But pace out your scenes more, details. Your chapter isn't long. I'd work on that too.
Other than it being fast-paced, i liked it. I would love to read more!
-Aaboo17
Heya!
This story makes me think of the game series Bayonetta whenever I these angels are mentioned. The city name Angelus also reminds me of the anime Sora no Otoshimono for some reason. That said, I may unintentionally want you to direct this story towards something with over-the-top action and strong yet demeaning female characters as I go on with this review. I'll try my best not to, and if you catch anything that sounds like what I described, ignore them.
Alright, and onto the review!
You aren't clear with your references to the characters. For example, is Aaron the mayor/village elder? Was he the one who yelled at Darron and called him an ignoramus?
This problem can easily be fixed just by editing your sentences a bit:
Something like that.
Another thing I have to point out is that the piece seems rushed. The scenes don't transition well, and the images within them are very choppy. Don't do this if not necessary, but add some more details in your scenes, make the sequence of events flow better. It'll also add to the clarity of the work because it's not only your referencing that isn't clear.
Here's a nitpick: The introduction can be formatted better. I'd put the first few lines in italics, and get rid of the ellipses and replace them with periods. The questions in the next paragraph could be quotes.
This is an interesting start! I'm curious on where you'll take this.
Hope this review helps.
-Haven
TBH Aaron is Darron, I guessed I missed it when I changed the name; I use Aaron as my stand in until a good name pops for me. I also appreciate how you were talking about my needing to transition better, this piece is actually two different opening I had, and I was trying to incorporate them better. I'm more used to roleplaying instead of novel-style writing now, so I kept wanting to do at least a paragraph or two of description for each thing XD I will most likely re-post this and have it all worked out and re-written.
This sounds really good so far, very interesting story line that almost has a slight dystopian and sci-fi twist to it.
I like the way you've described your characters and especially how you've opened the chapter with that short introduction. It creates suspence and an eagerness in the reader to continue and find out what happens.
From what I can see, you've made very little grammatical or punctuational errors, but none in particular stood out to me while reading this.
I hope you continue to write this, it's an interesting concept. Well done on what you have so far!