Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Horror

18+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Dark Revenant - Chapter 2

by AmadeusW


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

I write again, feeling compelled to express my feelings in regards to an incident at the hotel the day before.

Her name was Pieta Rizzi. She was a posh Italian lady wearing a black feather shawl when she waltzed in with her millionaire husband Mario around seven at night. I was mopping the hallway that led in one direction to the indoor pool and in another to the elevators and first-floor rooms. As I was standing in worker’s clothes, upon a puddle of water, I watched the couple walk grandly up to the concièrge, who seemed to be stifling a chuckle.

The husband pushed his wife aside to make the arrangements. I felt the temptation to form an expression of scoff on my face to show my dissatisfaction.

“Hello, good sir,” Mario spoke. He might as well have said “Greetings, foul peasant.”

“Would you like to make a reservation?” the concièrge asked.

Mario Rizzi sniffed. “Don’t insult my intelligence.”

The concièrge’s eyes widened as he looked down hastily at his computer screen. “Reservation for two… and what kind of room would you like?”

I quickly took up mopping again.

“We’ll take a two-bedroom suite.”

He finished the arrangements with the concièrge, and then took his wife over to the seating area by a fireplace. They began whispering to each other heatedly in Italian. Whatever poise he’d had at the counter had dropped completely. The wife’s voice rose up with a brassy, irritated tone. Immediately after her quick outburst, Mario slapped her across the face. I stopped what I was doing, feeling pity for the woman. Looking over at the concièrge, I saw him take good notice of the couple as well. If things escalated, we would’ve both taken immediate action to expel them from the hotel grounds.

Fortunately, things didn’t escalate. I could feel the tension still in the air, though. Mario’s wife was mad as a bat out of hell, yet I could see on her face that she was afraid to speak up further.

The couple’s servant showed up a few minutes later with their luggage. I, at a deliberately slow pace, continued mopping, watching them. The three Italians walked by me, one by one. First Mario, who gave me not one look. It was that treatment of which that could be described in a German phrase which I cannot recall; that feeling one has when someone looks not at you, but through you, as if you weren’t even there, that the space your physical form inhabited appeared to them as nothing but air. A few paces behind Mario padded the all-too-quiet Pieta, who, as she walked by me, directed her gaze in my direction. A faint, flirtatious smile played jestingly upon her lips, and she winked briefly. As she turned away, the silent expression of her victimization and her suffering returned, for it was her true face.

Disturbed, I wandered around the hotel, cleaning random objects and talking to no one. I felt the need to take some solace in dusting old creatures of paraphernalia from long-forgotten years. I wasn’t sure why I felt so disturbed, I just felt it.

My shift ended at nine, the night fully dark and filled with the sense of longing for some kind of End, whether it was in death or sleep. Returning home, I didn’t remain awake for too long, only time enough to feed myself and ready myself for slumber. I have been thinking about starting to read a book of some kind, but which one, I do not know. Once I find one, I’d be sure to have something exciting to let my mind wander in when the world has fallen away and all that remains are the phantoms that haunt my psyche.

The following morning - this morning, of the day I write - finally came. I traveled back to work to find my first task was to clean a room.

After knocking on the door, I found myself face to face with Pieta Rizzi. It was her room that needed cleaning. My core trembled with uncertainty.

“Good morning, Mr. Janitor!” she greeted warmly, opening the door wide open. She wore a tight-fitted dress, and it appeared as if she had freshly made herself up. “Do come in.”

“Thank you,” I said quietly. I surveyed the room, found that not much was in need of cleaning, but the beds were unmade.

As I set to making the first bed, I heard the door to the room close. A hopeful voice in my head provided a brief moment of calmness, and I thus paid less attention to the unhappy woman.

Moving around to the other side of the bed, the new perspective now in the direction to the door, I observed Pieta was standing near the side I had just finished making.

“And how are you enjoying London so far, ma’am?” I asked, to make conversation.

“I much… prefer, it here, than Italia,” she replied with a silky voice. Her thin, long fingers reached upwards to the shoulders of her dress, and with a slow, deliberate, and fluid motion, unhitched the fabric, first exposing her voluptuous bosom, then letting the dress fall completely to her ankles. I froze, not knowing what to do.

“And now that my husband is running a bank errand, I feel… liberated,” she continued, raising her knee onto the mattress, crawling towards me with lust in her eyes.

She reached where I stood, then tried to force her lips against mine. With a sudden impulse, I thrusted my hand against her chest, and staggered back a pace. She tried to move closer, but my hand kept her at bay.

“I don’t want to be touched, woman!” I warned her with a tone of aggravation.

“Why won’t you take me?” she fired back angrily. “Why don’t you want me?”

“I just don’t, madame.”

Her breath came in ragged grunts of frustration. “Am I not beautiful?” she whined desperately.

I felt my throat close up. I didn’t want to offend her, but I couldn’t not tell her the truth.

“Not to me, madame. To other men you will appear as the lustrous light that makes the moon drive them to lunacy, but not I.”

She drew herself back away from my hand, tears filling up her eyes. “I don’t understand.”

I abandoned the bedsheets and circled around to where she now sat, and I placed my hands upon her bare shoulders. “I feel nothing for you, madame, no matter how much I try. I couldn’t tell you why, for I don’t know why, myself.”

She sniffed, drew her dress back up on her body, and hugged me for a brief second, then self-consciously pulled away. “I’m sorry for coming onto you!” she sobbed bitterly.

“Would you like me to finish cleaning your hotel room?” I asked her gently.

She wiped away the tears. “No, it’s okay. You’ve done enough. I’ll just make them myself.”

“Then… I’ll be on my way,” I said, making for the door. Before I could open it, Pieta asked me one last thing.

“You won’t… tell anyone, right?”

I shook my head. “No, madame, your secret’s safe with me.”

I left promptly, and continued my cleaning work elsewhere. While I did my job, I would find myself wondering why I felt nothing for Pieta. I’d like to say I should’ve felt something. What kind of man was I? I felt, and still feel right now, that constricting pressure on the inside of my chest and of my head, which presents itself as a result of intense confusion as to my own identity.

Only in two other brief moments did I ever see Pieta Rizzi and her husband again, and those such moments were only in passing, just minuscule flashes of reality that came and went like leaves in the wind.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
278 Reviews


Points: 16000
Reviews: 278

Donate
Sat Sep 14, 2019 7:41 pm
View Likes
mellifera wrote a review...



Hey AmadeusW! I'll be stopping be to drop a review for you here today :)


I haven't read the first chapter to this. I'll try to avoid commenting on anything that I might have known had I done so, but if I do, please take what I say with a grain of salt.


Mario Rizzi sniffed. "Don't insult my intelligence."


This... seems like an odd thing for someone to get upset over? I mean, I'm not rich and don't get huffy about little things, but this just seems like an odd thing to say "Don't insult my intelligence" to.

Whatever poise he’d had at the counter had dropped completely.


First off, you'll want to clarify that it's Mario that you're talking of. Secondly, what poise?

I saw him take good notice of the couple as well.


As opposed to "bad" notice?

[quote[Mario's wife was mad as a bat out of hell,[/quote]

"A bat out of hell" is a phrase used to describe someone trying to escape quickly, not used as an evaluation of how angry someone is.

The couple's servant showed up


Are you referring to an actual servant or a bellhop?

directed her gaze in my direction.


Glad that she "directed" her gaze into a "direction" (I'm sorry. Sarcasm aside, this is a bit repetitive though)

the silent expression of her victimization and her suffering returned, for it was her true face.


Well, for one thing, I'm glad her expression is "silent" and not noisy. I hate it when my facial expressions are noisy.
Really though, this is a strangely written sentence? Why couldn't it just be "the pain across her features returned." ?


I haven't commented on it because this reads like a journal, but you use "I feel" a lot, which is telling. It's all right if this is meant to be a journal though, since not everyone writes in the same way (and you don't worry about telling vs. showing when you're writing a journal). I wanted to bring it up so you knew, but like I said, I think this is something like a journal entry.


On another note, this is written eloquently, which I'm sure you did to enhance the story. This is all good (and I like the style well enough!), but I do want to bring up characterisation. Is the character writing this that eloquent? What was their education like? (I say this as someone who used to work in a manual labour job at my stable and as someone who is a writer, so I'm not saying it's implausible for this to happen, I'm just wondering in terms of who this character is and what kind of life they've had, and how they're interests align with what they do and so forth. Also, I'm not sure what time period this is set in? So, I guess take that into the equation as well)


no matter how much I try.


When did he try??

I couldn’t tell you why, for I don’t know why, myself.”


He's not allowed to just Not Be Into That?


I have to wonder why this woman came onto the protagonist anyway? I mean, what was the purpose? Was it because her husband was abusive and she just wanted an escape?
Idk, it feels off to me, I guess? I'm not too thrilled with how the protagonist handles it in terms of "why don't I want to JUMP her" cause like... people don't want to have sex sometimes. It's not weird, it's not unnatural. I'm also not big on having a woman just... throw herself at a male protagonist like this.


A little technical thing I want to bring up too (that I literally just abused in my last paragraph) is how many ellipses you use. Ellipses are like frosting, or spice. They're a little something extra to add to prose. They aren't like commas or periods, which pop up often. When you use ellipses too much, they start to lose the impact they're supposed to have. So, when using them, be careful of how often you do so!


I wish there was some more description of the hotel, though I don't know if you did this in the first chapter, so I'll leave this as more of a general suggestion rather than a hard recommendation.


Circling back to your writing style- I like it! It's clean, and flows well! I wouldn't have said anything about it before if you hadn't introduced the chapter in that sort of opening, journal-y format, because I would have assumed it was just in first person perspective.
I am going to agree with Asith, however, about your dialogue. How often do people speak eloquently as such in real life? I'll admit I have written dialogue similar to this, though I did it to add a more dated feel to the piece. I'm not sure if that's what you were trying to do here (if you were, please feel free to ignore me!)
It doesn't bother me much though, honestly, so it's kind of a "take it or leave it" situation.


Otherwise, good job on this piece! If you have any comments or questions about anything I said, please let me know! :D

I hope you have a fabulous day, and Happy RevMo!

Image




User avatar
107 Reviews


Points: 13042
Reviews: 107

Donate
Sat Sep 14, 2019 9:07 am
View Likes
Asith wrote a review...



Hello again! I couldn't help but keep reading, so I thought I might as well keep reviewing this too. I'm just going to jot down my thoughts as I read, so excuse the list format :p

She was a posh Italian lady wearing a black feather shawl when she waltzed in with her millionaire husband Mario around seven at night.
This sentence's wording is off. It makes it sound like she stopped being a posh Italian lady after she waltzed in.

“Not to me, madame. To other men you will appear as the lustrous light that makes the moon drive them to lunacy, but not I.”
“I feel nothing for you, madame, no matter how much I try. I couldn’t tell you why, for I don’t know why, myself.”
Okay, these two bits of speech caught me off-guard. I think there's a large uncertainty as to how articulate your main character is. He's clearly very literate in his writing, but his dialogue up to this point has always been relatively colloquial. It felt very odd to see him spewing borderline poetry in speech; especially during such a high-tension situation: Look at how these bits of speech contrast with these others:

“Would you like me to finish cleaning your hotel room?” I asked her gently.
“Sorry, man. How about we don’t talk about that.” [chapter 1]
“So, what are you planning to do for the rest of your life?” [chapter 1]

It just seemed a little off. The most eloquent I remember this character being is in Chapter 1, when he spoke about no Hellfire being hot enough for the monster. The fact that I actually noticed it while reading through it might mean that it's something you should revise.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

General remarks about this chapter include the fact that I really liked reading it, somehow even more so than the first, even though that was ore exciting. I how you've introduced a new side of the main character's morals, and created a side-conflict. I also think your pacing was far better in general, and I look forward to reading more!





You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot stop Spring from coming.
— Pablo Neruda