Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Fantasy


Light Boy- Part 1

by Amabilia


Oh crap. Myles thought. He had taken his glove off and what he saw made shivers run down his back. It was spreading, and the orange glow under his skin was creeping past his fingertips. The glow had appeared a week ago, and it had stayed in his fingertips. Until now...would he turn into a lightbulb? Will it spread to other people? What if someone found out?

“Hurry up!” Someone knocked on the bathroom door. Myles scurried to put his gloves back on and then came out of the small airplane-like bathroom in the back of the theater. “Finally,” Pierre Faucheux said, “Get back to your job, Light Boy!” Pierre was the lead actor in the production and he made Myle’s life miserable. What does he have against me? I never did anything to him, Myles pondered. Nevertheless, Myles headed back to the booth where he worked.

“Hey, Myles!” Niccolò Selvaggio said when I entered the booth, “Can you check the light order for act two scene three for me?”

“Sure,” Myles replied. Niccolò was the director for the play, and we were only two weeks away from the production. He pulled out his folder and flipped to page 18. “Here it is. Orange: Center Center, Yellow: Downstage Center, Green: Center Left, Center Right, Upstage Right, Upstage Center, and Upstage Left.”

“Does anything change during that scene?” Niccolò asked.

“Yeah, everything fades to blue,” Myles read.

“Okay, thanks,” he said as he made a note on the script and walked away. Since everyone was on a quick break, he decided to play around with the lights. Myles read through his folder and went through all the scenes he needed to work on.

Yellow fades to orange, he read. He switched the lights to yellow, then eased into orange. Suddenly, the lights lurched to red. He frowned. Myles hadn’t touched the red switch.

“What in the world?” he said to himself. He turned on the orange switch. That was fine, so what happened? Myles just shook his head and tried again. The yellow faded to orange, just fine.

“Okay?” Myles said. As long as that didn’t happen during the production, Myles would be fine.

“Back on stage everyone!” Niccoló’s voice split the noisy atmosphere. “We’re running act two scene three. Rebecca is in the forest and meets Marco by the lake.” The play was a story about two lovers during the Great Depression. Myles set the lights as Pierre and Samantha got on stage. Samantha Anderson was a newer actor, but was just as popular as Pierre without being snobby.

“Action!” Niccoló said, not minding if that was a little cliche. Samantha walked onstage and crossed to downstage center. As she walked, Myles faded the lights to blue. Pierre came onstage behind her.

“Care for some company?” he asked, his french accent transforming into a British one.

"Marco!" Samantha gasped and ran into his arms. "I thought you were going to America!" 

“I thought you were going to America!” she said.

“I would never leave you,” he told her. Pierre stepped back, “I came to ask you something.”

“What?” Samantha asked. Her eyes gleamed with love. It was like they were inseparable from Pierre's. Though she only worked with him, everyone knew she liked him. Myles just rolled his own eyes. How could anyone like someone as rude as Pierre?

“Come with me,” he stated. Their voices droned on as Myles reduced his attention. He pulled out his phone and started playing Pac-Man. Suddenly, he felt a certain warm tingling in his hand. He put his phone in his pocket then looked around and, noticing there was no one else in the booth, pulled his glove off. Myles gasped. The orange glow was halfway down his palm. He watched it grow, moving half a centimeter in two minutes. Myles looked at his watch. There was an hour left of practice! The glow would no doubt be visible by then. Slowly, Myles put his glove back on and stood up.

He made his way down to Niccolò. Myles looked down at his hand then pulled his small leather gloves further up his wrist for security. Pierre looked up from his acting and glared at Myles, then focused back in on the scene. At the bottom of the many steps, Myles tapped Niccolò on the shoulder.

“Niccolò?” he said. The director didn’t turn around.

“Yeah?” he asked, absentmindedly.

“I’m going to have to leave early today,” he replied.

“How much earlier?” Niccolò said, still focused on the scene.

“I actually have to leave now,” Myles shifted. Niccolò turned around to face him.

“Now?” he was frowning. Myles rubbed his nose like he always did when he was uncomfortable. That’s when he noticed that Niccolò had said that quite loud and everyone else had gone quiet.

“Yeah,” he answered softly.

“Why? Are you okay?”

“Um, I don’t know.” The was more uncomfortable staring from all the actors.

“Well, alright,” Niccolò gave in with a shrug. He looked back on the scene, “Well? Get back to it everyone!” Pierre shot one more glare at Myles before he turned back to Samantha.

“I have already bought your ticket, my love,” Pierre continued his line. Myles didn’t stay around much longer. He hurried up the steps, as quickly as he could without drawing any attention, then swung open the door at the top of the auditorium and dashed along the velvet halls.

The fifteen year old grabbed his bike off the rack and got on. He rode out of the parking lot and into the bike lane on the road. Myles rode towards downtown, thinking about what was happening. Ten minutes into the ride, the glow was visible beyond his gloves. He pulled his sweatshirt sleeve lower, in an attempt to cover the glow up. As Myles reached his building, he stopped his bike and jumped off. He chained it to the rack outside and walked into the lobby. Myles’ building wasn’t fancy like the ones you see on TV. The lobby was run down, with a sitting area the size of a bathroom. The furniture and decorations all looked like they were from 1990, and there was dust everywhere. Myles walked over to the stairs and started the trek to his sixth floor apartment. The elevator was always breaking down and, from Myles’ ten year experience, it was better just to play it safe. Myles was almost to the top of the third floor when he saw Maddy Darrel walk past. Her long black hair was flowing as she walked down the steps. As she looked up at Myles, her foot caught on a roll in the carpet and she tumbled down. Her books went flying.

“Hey,” Myles said as he bent down to help her pick them up. Maddy was now sitting on the floor, adjusting her glasses.

“Um, hi,” she said, joining him in grabbing the books. They both stood up, and Myles handed her the books he had grabbed. As he pulled his hand away, a little bit of orange showed. Myles swiftly withdrew his hand and pulled his sleeve down. He glanced up at Maddy to see if she had seen, but she was already hurrying away.

“Nice talking to you,” he mumbled as he started climbing the stairs again. Myles finally finished climbing the stairs and walked down the hall to his apartment. Just as he was reaching for the handle, it turned and the door opened. Myles’ mom stood there, looking shocked.

“Myles? Aren’t you supposed to be at the theater?” she asked him.

“Yeah, but we got done early,” he bluffed. Myles was known in his family for having the worst poker face, and now was not one of his lucky times.

“Myles,” his mom said dissaprovingly low.

“Look, I’ll explain later, okay? You just go shopping and I’ll tell you when you get home,” he said. Myles kept saying stuff about how he would tell her later as he slowly pushed her out the door and stepped inside. The door was closed before his mom could say anything further.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
841 Reviews


Points: 664
Reviews: 841

Donate
Sat Dec 02, 2017 7:50 am
Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing this interesting story about a boy whose hands are beginning to glow.Of course there is drama created immediately because there is conflict. What will the boy do? What does this glow mean? What is causing it? Readers want to know and will read on to find out if we can keep them interested.

That’s of course unless we demand that they accept the extremely the unlikely as if it were normal behavior. For example, how would we personally react if our hand suddenly began to glow? Would we continue calmly toward an appointment or would we panic immediately and seek medical attention? So that abnormal reaction can cause the reader to lose interest.

That’s why we as writers we must try to never propose a behavior that the reader will have difficulty accepting as realistic. It happens in films. For example, In the film Prometheus, a zoologist treats a completely alien creature that was rearing up like a cobra as if it had been friendly and cute? That was unbelievable. Then they had the guy look in a mirror, see animacules swimming in his eyeball, ignore it and go on a mission as if nothing was wrong.That kind of thing weakens audience attention.


The same with the protagonist. His hands are glowing and he doesn’t react in the way that people normally do. But that can easily be fixed. One solution to this problem in the story might be to have Myles gradually aquire the glow at the theater and not before. Starting the story at the theater and slowly building up provides an opportunity for the reader to become familiar withe Myles and to really care what happens to him during the rest of the story.

In short, it provides the opportunity to make him real and not just a name without a face, history, or personality running around scared. In short, we have to make the reader care about Myles and the only way to do that is to provide him with some backround.

.

Suggestions:

Reduce the number of times that the name Myles is mention.


As Myles reached his building

“As he reached the building he...."
“Having reached the building he....”
“After reaching the building he...”

Proofread to remove repetition typos:

"I thought you were going to America!"

“I thought you were going to America!

Myles just rolled his own eyes.


“....rolled his eyes.”




User avatar
16 Reviews


Points: 1087
Reviews: 16

Donate
Fri Apr 07, 2017 3:06 am
thepapermonster wrote a review...



Okay. Here we go. Sorry it's a bit long.
The same thing happens to me when I copy and paste one of my works here. The little icons like the quotations marks and whatnot always come out funny. Maybe you could fix that.
The second to first sentenced gave me butterflies. So I think the beginning is great if it could make me feel something right out of the gate! But I think beginning with dialogue or inner thought or the like is not that best way to start something. Start with an image.
I had no problems with the dialogue. Sounded real enough. People had things to do while talking.
Character development was also interesting. Not two dimensional. People I can actually picture.
The sense of mystery was well enough. I thought it was nice not mentioning what Myles could have done to turn his hand orange. All we know is that something weird is happening.
That huge paragraph where Myles leaves the theater for home could have been broken up a bit. I like to think of things happening in my stories as if they’re happening on a movie screen. So maybe try to think of how that scene would go if it were a movie. It would have made it more interesting and easier for me to read.

Altogether, you did a nice job. Keep writing!
- MNSTR




Amabilia says...


Thank you so much for the review!



User avatar
5 Reviews


Points: 72
Reviews: 5

Donate
Fri Apr 07, 2017 1:36 am
Travis says...



very interesting. Hope you post a part 2!




Amabilia says...


I'll try! :)



User avatar
198 Reviews


Points: 3
Reviews: 198

Donate
Thu Apr 06, 2017 11:46 pm
Dreamworx95 wrote a review...



Hello, Dreaming, I'm just diving right in here!

"He had taken his glove off and what he saw make shivers run down his back."

made

"Oh crap. Myles thought. He had taken his glove off and what he saw make shivers run down his back. It had spread. The orange glow his skin had taken on had moved past his fingertips. A week ago the glow had appeared, and it had stayed on his fingertips. Until now. What if it kept growing? Will he turn into a living light bulb? Will it spread into other people? What if someone finds out?"

You slip out of tense quite a bit here, and the descriptions could be a bit smoother. You use "had" too many times and unnecessarily. Try: "It was spreading, and the orange glow under his skin was creeping past his fingertips. The glow had appeared a week ago, and it had stayed in his fingertips. Until now...would he turn into a lightbulb? Will it spread to other people? What if someone found out?"

"“Hurry up!” someone knocked on the bathroom door." - 'Someone' should be capitalized. Also, a formatting issue - the words you tried to italicize didn't work. It makes it difficult to separate thoughts from narrative. Easy fix, though.

"“What in the world?” he said to himself." - cut the dialogue tag

“Marco!” Samantha said with the same accent, turning around. She gasped and ran into his arms. “I thought you were going to America!” she said.

- I'd merge these quotes. "Marco!" Samantha gasped and ran into his arms. "I thought you were going to America!"

Cut: "Her eyes were filled with love." It's a bit cliche and doesn't show us anything.

"The fifteen year old grabbed his bike off the rack and got on. He rode out of the parking lot and into the bike lane on the road. Myles rode towards downtown, thinking about what was happening. Ten minutes into the ride, the glow was visible beyond his gloves. He pulled his sweatshirt sleeve lower, in an attempt to cover the glow up. As Myles reached his building, he stopped his bike and jumped off. He chained it to the rack outside and walked into the lobby. Myles’ building wasn’t fancy like the ones you see on TV. The lobby was run down, with a sitting area the size of a bathroom. The furniture and decorations all looked like they were from 1990, and there was dust everywhere. Myles walked over to the stairs and started the trek to his sixth floor apartment. The elevator was always breaking down and, from Myles’ ten year experience, it was better just to play it safe. Myles was almost to the top of the third floor when he saw Maddy Darrel walk past. Her long black hair was flowing as she walked down the steps. As she looked up at Myles, her foot caught on a roll in the carpet and she tumbled down. Her books went flying."

Just wanted to point out how thick and chunky this paragraph is. I think a good place to separate it is the sentence beginning with "Myles' building"

Also, I've noticed that you use the temporal conjunction. "As" - so far I think you've used it three times in this piece.

Cut "warningly" and describe his mom's tone in a different way. "Her voice went disapprovingly low. "Myles."

On the whole, you could work on dialogue tags. I think you could cut a lot of them out and the piece would be much smoother. Story wise, I don't see a lot happening yet. There's not a ton of action or character development, or even something to grab me right away. The dialogue is a bit dry and unrevealing, but I think there's a lot of potential for tension between Myles and Samantha, even his mom. I advise you to see where the character conflict is and go there.

Hope this has helped!

-Dream




Amabilia says...


Thank you so much for your review! I had just wanted to go ahead and post this when I'm still delevoping the story, so that's why it's not very exciting yet. Thanks for pointing out all the dialogue changes I should make, I'll be sure to go through and make adaptations.
Thank you so much my fellow Dream!
(The usernames lol)



Dreamworx95 says...


lol no problem




In any free society, the conflict between social conformity and individual liberty is permanent, unresolvable, and necessary.
— Kathleen Norris