The Tears of Battle

Good Job!

I find this story very interesting. I like the use of bright language, you really painted a picture with your words. But you repeated the word "sword" too much, you can use other words like blade. It was a very intense story full of action. Keep writing it was great.

I like the use of language here, although you could change some words around It was really good, i read it to my little brother. I love the way it's a girl fighting, and not a boy But i don't know i've heard something like it

The Tears of Battle

I sprang into the fight, wildly swinging my sword with adrenaline #FF4000 ">before I regained control of myself. I reined myself under control (Repetition, probably try to compress.)and swung at a short man wearing the orange uniform of the Amerans. #FF4000 ">He turned and saw my sword coming at him, his surprised face told me he hadn’t been ready for my attack (change of tense, from present to past). Too bad for him. My sword went through of his chest.#FF4000 "> He looked down and watched blood seep out of him, and then he fell, dead. (Edit: He gasped in horror as his eyes fastened on the gaping, bubbling hole in his chest, out of which his blood was spurting. [Unless that is too much detail])

#FF4040 ">I ran on, slicing and jabbing people, collecting wounds of my own.
(She runs on while slicing and jabbing? Where is she going, and why are these people easier to take out?)
Blood soaked through my sleeve from a #40BF00 ">deep cut (a deep cut, and she only looks for another opponent? Usually, they would try to bandage it first.)on my arm as I looked around for another opponent and saw my friend, Jakob, lying face up on the ground about 200 meters away.

“Jakob!” I cried.

“Ellis,” he murmured, “can you help me?”

#FF4040 ">I rushed over to him (she rushes over to him in the middle of a battle, when there are obviously more enemies on the field?) and inspected his wounds, a gouge in his belly and left thigh. He wasn’t going to make it.

Jakob saw the look on my face, “Goodbye Ell- look out!”

I twisted, jumping up from my crouched position. A man brought his sword down where my head had been seconds earlier. I thrust and he parried. Soon we were fighting in a blur of gleaming silver. I felt like I knew his every move and he knew mine, a perfect match of skill.

A few strands of my black hair fell into my eyes and the balance was over. He swooped down on me, I fell to the ground and his sword was at my neck. There was no crazy gleam of anger in his eyes, just the sad, weariness of war.

“I’m sorry.” he whispered and started to press the sword against my neck.

I couldn’t believe it. I was going to die here, on the battlefield. Nobody would give me a proper burial, I’d just join my mother and father in heaven.

A sword shot out of his chest.

The man fell next to me, dead.

His sword was still resting lightly on my neck. I carefully pushed it off and saw Alex looking down at me.

“You ok?” He asked, his ice blue eyes radiating concern.

“Yes, you were just in time. Thanks.” I pushed my hair back under my cap.

“You’re welcome.”

He held out his hand and pulled me up from the ground, I winced as my arm wound throbbed.

“Be careful.” He said.

“I know. You too.”

He ran back into the fight.

I ran back over to Jakob’s body.

“Jakob?” I whispered his name, knowing he wouldn’t answer.

#FF4000 ">I closed his eyes, put his sword in his sheath, and lay the sheath over his chest. (she has enough time to do all that without being attacked?)

I couldn’t believe he’d just died. He had been 16, only a year younger than me.

He had been my friend.

Anger powered me as #FF4000 ">I dashed back into the battle (I thought she was already in the middle of the battlefield, so why would she need to DASH back into the battle?). #FF4040 ">It (what was, her anger or the battle?) was still raging uncontrollably.

I plunged into the fight. Killing, slashing, no mercy from me. People died all around me and I loved it, it was feeding my anger, suddenly I stopped. I was enjoying this? I must be a monster!

A sword flashed past my head and another man and I were engaged in a duel. This time I cut him down, but not before at least ten minutes had passed. I looked into his terrified eyes, whispered sorry and cut off his head. Then I heard a scream, more familiar than the rest.

Alex.

There he was, writhing on the ground only a hundred meters away from me. An Ameran was running away, his sword covered in blood.

“Alex!” I shrieked my blood freezing with dread.

I sprinted to him. Not Alex, please not Alex. Let him live, please. #FF4000 ">I kneeled down to him, pushing his sandy blond hair out of his eyes.

He looked up at me, squinting in the cold sunlight, “’Bye Ellis.”

“No, Alex!”

I ripped off my cap, letting my long black hair flow over my face. Blood ran into my eyes from a cut, making them sting.

“I’m not Ellis, I’m Elizabeth.”

Alex’s eyes widened, “I knew you were different.”

“Please don’t leave me Alex, you’re my best friend, we’ve been through everything.” I leaned over him, hugging his body trying to keep him with me.

“You’re a pretty girl Elizabeth.”

“I love you.” I leaned down and gently pushed my lips against his.

He smiled slowly, forgetting his pain for a moment.

Then he was gone.

“No!” I cried up at the sky, “No.”

The cold sun stared down at me mercilessly, mocking me. I sobbed, but nobody noticed, they just kept fighting and left me. I wondered why.

I hugged his still warm body once more then I stood up, barely anyone was left standing. People had been slaughtered here and it made me feel sick. (She has the time to do all this, when she barely talked to Jakob before she was attacked?)

I twirled my sword.

I wasn’t allowed in this battle because I was a girl, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to stop this unfair slaughter. I’ll learn how to stop it one day, but until then I will continue to show them all; girls can also fight!


Good idea, but I can see this is probably your first or second draft. Just keep editing and revising.
Watch the tenses. They're slippery characters, always trying to switch themselves around.

Grammar, plot and characterization are all good.

Hey, I'm rushed on time, but I really loved this story. You really know how to build suspense. Keep writing!

Alzora wrote:This is a story I'm writing for a local short-story competition. Please criticize as much as possible!!

The Tears of Battle

I sprang into the fight, wildly swinging my sword with adrenaline before I regained control of myself. I reined myself under control and swung at a short man wearing the orange uniform of the Amerans. He turned and saw my sword coming at him, his surprised face told me he hadn’t been ready for my attack. Too bad for him. My sword went through of #008000 ">of his chest??? his chest. He looked down and watched blood seep out of him, and then he fell, dead.

I ran on, slicing and jabbing people, collecting wounds of my own.

Blood soaked through my sleeve from a deep cut on my arm as I looked around for another opponent and saw my friend, Jakob, lying face up on the ground about 200 meters away. #008000 ">Well this is off to a good start. The only thing is that you have written about two paragraphs and I still know nothing about the character.

“Jakob!” I cried.

“Ellis,” he murmured, “#008000 ">Can you help me?”

I rushed over to him and inspected his wounds, a gouge in his belly and left thigh. He wasn’t going to make it.

Jakob saw the look on my face, “Goodbye Ell- look out!” #008000 ">If Jacob were weak and almost about to die I don't think he would well look out with a lot of energy. To make it more descriptive show the reader how he's talking and how the tone of his voice is.

I twisted, jumping up from my crouched position. A man brought his sword down where my head had been seconds earlier. I thrust and he parried. Soon we were fighting in a blur of gleaming silver. I felt like I knew his every move and he knew mine, a perfect match of skill.

A few strands of my black hair fell into my eyes and the balance was over. He swooped down on me, I fell to the ground and his sword was at my neck. There was no crazy gleam of anger in his eyes, just the sad, weariness of war.

“I’m sorry.” he whispered and started to press the sword against my neck.

I couldn’t believe it. I was going to die here, on the battlefield. Nobody would give me a proper burial, I’d just join my mother and father in heaven. #008000 ">I'd just join my mother and father in heaven doesn't seem like the right words to put here. Instead trying saying something like My body would lie here and rot. So then she would be saying here body is going to stay there and rot instead of getting a proper burial.

A sword shot out of #008000 ">in to his chest.

The man fell next to me, dead.

His sword was still resting lightly on my neck. I carefully pushed it off and saw Alex looking down at me.

“You ok?” He asked, his ice blue eyes radiating #008000 ">with concern.

“Yes, you were #008000 ">here just in time. Thanks.” I pushed my hair back under my cap.

“You’re welcome.” #008000 ">How come she's not shocked or fear struken. She almost died!

He held out his hand and pulled me up from the ground, I winced as my arm wound throbbed.

“Be careful.” He said.

“I know. You too.”

He ran back into the fight. #008000 ">So they're having a conversation, she tells him to be careful too and then he just runs off. Doesn't seem very practical.

I ran back over to Jakob’s body.

“Jakob?” I whispered his name, knowing he wouldn’t answer.

I closed his eyes, put his sword in his sheath, and lay the sheath over his chest.

I couldn’t believe he’d just died. He had been 16, only a year younger than me.

He had been my friend.

Anger powered me as I dashed back into the battle. It was still raging uncontrollably.

I plunged into the fight. Killing, slashing, no mercy from me. People died all around me and I loved it, it was feeding my anger, suddenly I stopped. I was enjoying this? I must be a monster! #008000 ">I can't feel any emotion behind the MC. If my best friend had just died I would have been sad and crying, as well as angry by whoever or whatever killed her. I can imagine the MC going back into the battle full of rage but, first she should be sad.

A sword flashed past my head and another man and I were engaged in a duel. This time I cut him down, but not before at least ten minutes had passed. I looked into his terrified eyes, whispered sorry and cut off his head. Then I heard a scream, more familiar than the rest.

Alex.

There he was, writhing on the ground only a hundred meters away from me. An Ameran was running away, his sword covered in blood.

“Alex!” I shrieked my blood freezing with dread.

I sprinted to him. Not Alex, please not Alex. Let him live, please. I kneeled down to him, pushing his sandy blond hair out of his eyes.

He looked up at me, squinting in the cold sunlight, “’Bye Ellis.”

“No, Alex!”

I ripped off my cap, letting my long black hair flow over my face. Blood ran into my eyes from a cut, making them sting. #008000 ">Try to show not tell

“I’m not Ellis, I’m Elizabeth.”

Alex’s eyes widened, “I knew you were different.” #008000 ">If he's dying I don't think he would be widening his eyes

“Please don’t leave me Alex, you’re my best friend, we’ve been through everything.” I leaned over him, hugging his body trying to keep him with me.

“You’re a pretty girl Elizabeth.” #008000 ">I can't imagine him on the floor almost dead,saying that she's a pretty girl. It just doesn't seem right. Say someting else like how he feels about her like I love you, not You're a pretty girl.

“I love you.” I leaned down and gently pushed my lips against his.

He smiled slowly, forgetting his pain for a moment. #008000 ">This is first person so they main character is speaking using I. How would she know that he his forgetting his pain when she's not him.

Then he was gone.

“No!” I cried up at the sky, “No.”

The cold sun stared down at me mercilessly, mocking me. I sobbed, but nobody noticed, they just kept fighting and left me. I wondered why.

I hugged his still warm body once more then I stood up, barely anyone was left standing. People had been slaughtered here and it made me feel sick. #008000 ">Does she like Alex more than Jakob, because when Jakob is dying she doesn't show much emotion, but when Alex is dying she really cares.

I twirled my sword. #008000 ">Why??

I wasn’t allowed in this battle because I was a girl, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to stop this unfair slaughter. I’ll learn how to stop it one day, but until then I will continue to show them all; girls can also fight!

Blood ran into my eyes from a cut, making them sting.

I sprang into the fight, wildly swinging my sword with adrenaline before I regained control of myself. I reined myself under control and swung at a man wearing the orange uniform of the Amerans. He turned and saw my sword coming at him, his surprised face told me he hadn’t been ready for my attack. Too bad for him. My sword went through of his chest. He looked down and watched blood seep out of him, and then he fell, dead.
#FF0000 ">I spang into the fight, and started off widly swinging my sword before I could control myself. I stop for a slight moment to regain full concousins and control but quickly attacked a small man for wearing the orange uniform of the Amerans. He made a sharp turn only to see my sword flying toward him with no time to react, the sword went through his cheast. He looked down stunned by my movments and fell to the hard ground, dead.

I ran on, slicing and jabbing people, collecting my own wounds as well. #FF0000 ">Nice!

Blood soaked through my sleeve from a deep cut on my arm as I looked around for another opponent and saw my friend, Jakob, lying face up on the ground about 200 meters away. #FF0000 ">I looked at around at all the body lying on the ground as noticed one I recognize, my friend, Jakob.

“Jakob!” I cried.

“Ellis,” he murmured, “can you help me?” #FF0000 ">I would get ride of can you help me...

I rushed over to him and inspected his wounds, a gouge in his belly and left thigh. He wasn’t going to make it.

Jakob saw the look on my face, “Goodbye Ell- look out!” #FF0000 ">"He looked at me softyly as started to mutter a short good bye. I watched his eyes move up ward, and they filled with terror, "Watch Out!" He screamed.

I twisted, jumping up from my crouched position. A man brought his sword down where my head had been seconds earlier. I thrust and he parried. Soon we were fighting in a blur of gleaming silver. I felt like I knew his every move and he knew mine, a perfect match of skill.

A few strands of my black hair fell into my eyes and the balance was over. He swooped down on me, I fell to the ground and his sword was at my neck. There was no crazy gleam of anger in his eyes, just the sad, weariness of war.

“I’m sorry.” he whispered and started to press the sword against my neck.

I couldn’t believe it. I was going to die here, on the battlefield. Nobody would give me a proper burial, I’d just join my mother and father in heaven.

A sword shot out of his chest.

The man fell next to me, dead.

His sword was still resting lightly on my neck. I carefully pushed it off and saw Alex looking down at me.

“You ok?” He asked, his ice blue eyes radiating concern.

“Yes, you were just in time. Thanks.” I pushed my hair back under my cap.

“You’re welcome.”

He held out his hand and pulled me up from the ground, I winced as my arm wound throbbed.

“Be careful.” He said.

“I know. You too.”

He ran back into the fight.

I ran back over to Jakob’s body.

“Jakob?” I whispered his name, knowing he wouldn’t answer.

I closed his eyes, put his sword in his sheath, and lay the sheath over his chest.

I couldn’t believe he’d just died. He had been 16, only a year younger than me.

He had been my friend.

Anger powered me as I dashed back into the battle. It was still raging uncontrollably.

I plunged into the fight. Killing, slashing, no mercy from me. People died all around me and I loved it, it was feeding my anger, suddenly I stopped. I was enjoying this? I must be a monster!

A sword flashed past my head and another man and I were engaged in a duel. This time I cut him down, but not before at least ten minutes had passed. I looked into his terrified eyes, whispered sorry and cut off his head. Then I heard a scream, more familiar than the rest.

Alex.

There he was, writhing on the ground only a hundred meters away from me. An Ameran was running away, his sword covered in blood.

“Alex!” I shrieked my blood freezing with dread.

I sprinted to him. Not Alex, please not Alex. Let him live, please. I kneeled down to him, pushing his sandy blond hair out of his eyes.

He looked up at me, squinting in the cold sunlight, “’Bye Ellis.”

“No, Alex!”

I ripped off my cap, letting my long black hair flow over my face. Blood ran into my eyes from a cut, making them sting.

“I’m not Ellis, I’m Elizabeth.”

Alex’s eyes widened, “I knew you were different.”

“Please don’t leave me Alex, you’re my best friend, we’ve been through everything.” I leaned over him, hugging his body trying to keep him with me.

“You’re a pretty girl Elizabeth.”

“I love you.” I leaned down and gently pushed my lips against his.

He smiled slowly, forgetting his pain for a moment.

Then he was gone.

“No!” I cried up at the sky, “No.”

The cold sun stared down at me mercilessly, mocking me. I sobbed, but nobody noticed, they just kept fighting and left me. I wondered why.

I hugged his still warm body once more then I stood up, barely anyone was left standing. People had been slaughtered here and it made me feel sick.

I twirled my sword.

I wasn’t allowed in this battle because I was a girl, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to stop this unfair slaughter. I’ll learn how to stop it one day, but until then I will continue to show them all; girls can also fight!

I’ve actually read another story on YWS about this. True the story was set in WWII and the girl dies in the end, but the resemblance is too much for my cliché-trained eyes.
Analyze what you’re trying to do here. Promote feminism? Good, work along that line. She should meet opposition to fighting in the army, but that would require some explanation before the battle-scene, maybe as part of her reminiscence.
I really don’t have much to say, since you’ve done an okay job on a terribly bad subject. Cheer up, though, since you’ve got some amount of talent…you just need to channel it towards a better subject.

Hey there!

I like this, especially the way you fitted so much drama and excitement into a fairly short story. A few small nitpicky things to polish up:

Towards the beginning the paragraphs are good, but as it goes on there's a new paragraph almost every line, even when there's no speech, which breaks up the story and really isn't necessary. For example,

I closed his eyes, put his sword in his sheath, and lay the sheath over his chest.

I couldn’t believe he’d just died. He had been 16, only a year younger than me.

He had been my friend.

Anger powered me as I dashed back into the battle. It was still raging uncontrollably.

but until then I#0040FF "> will continue to show them all; girls #0000FF ">can also fight!

“Be careful.” He said.

I twisted, jumping up from my crouched position. A man brought his sword down where my head had been seconds earlier. I thrust and he parried. Soon we were fighting in a blur of gleaming silver. I felt like I knew his every move and he knew mine, a perfect match of skill.

Heya, Alzora!!! I've already torn this apart, and i like it how it is now, so yeah . . . Keep writing!

~Sar-sar~

I sprang into the fight, wildly swinging my #FF00BF ">sword with #0080FF ">adrenaline before I regained control of myself. I pulled my #0080FF ">adrenaline under control and swung my #FF0080 ">sword at a short man wearing the orange uniform of the Amerans. He turned and saw my #FF0080 ">sword coming at him, his surprised face told me he hadn’t been ready for my attack. Too bad for him. My #FF0080 ">sword went through of his chest. He looked down and watched blood seep out of him, and then he fell #FF0000 ">down, dead.