As soon as night fell all 8 of us wondered out to that graveyard. We picked a captain; me of course, said the rhyme and then went to hide. I was running when Bentley popped out from behind a headstone ad kissed me so deeply. I went week in the knees and he caught me as I fell. He lowered me to the ground and started kissing me. At first soft and sweet and then he pulled back and gazed deeply into my deep green eyes. We stayed like that for a moment just to be sure we were ready. Then he bent down and kissed me more intensely. His hand cautiously went down from my elbows, to my waist, to my thigh then to the back of my knee. He pulled my leg up to rest on his back. His hands then went the grasp the button of my shorts. With one hand he unbuttoned them. I wondered how often he had done this, and then decided I didn’t care. What mattered was what was here and now. I helped him slide my shorts off, and silently waited while he undid his and lowered them just enough to get it out. He grasped the cotton lace on my panties and then let go and slowly moved his hand down to move them aside. The breeze felt nice. He then opened me up and went to work. I closed my eyes and when I opened them again he had formed beads of sweat and had a look of concentration on his face. Then we came together. I clawed at the dirt and smiled to myself.
When we finally got dressed, before we went to look for the others I grabbed his hand and hugged him.
“I love you.” I whispered. At that moment I didn’t care if he said it back. It had been 3 years. I was certain. And he did.
When we went to go find the other Bentley and I had split up. I found the others before we found him. He was pale as snow and cold as it too. Blood oozed from his neck.
“Bentley!” I scream and tried to run to him. But the running back, Thomas, held me back and pointed to a spot at the edge of the trees. There stood a man with a pick axe. We all spotted him at the same time and took off running. We told cabins one, two, and four. We packed up. Got in the cars and sped off. On the way I called the police. They went up to the cabins and said they had the caught the Teen Killer, and found Bentley.
The funeral was so full. After everyone had left and the ceremony had ended, Mrs. Parks stayed after with me. She stood next to the gravesite with me as they poured dirt on top of the coffin. She drove me back to the Parks residence and we had coffee in silence. I asked her if I could go up to his room. When I walked in the door there was something on the desk. I opened it and gasped. A diamond ring. I left the box opened on his desk and rushed out of the house.
When I got back to my house I curled my hair, put on make-up, my prom dress and heels. And lastly the bracelet he had given me on our three-year anniversary. I walked down to the basement and found a rope, and a nice sturdy banister. I tied a noose and put it around my neck. Then I heard my mom and dad screaming and rushing downstairs… They had found my note.
“Rena!” my mother yelled, “please don’t!”
I saw there feet come down the stairs. I prepared myself for the fall. My mother came around the corner just in time to see my only tear fall, and my father appeared just as I fell. The last thing I heard was my mother screaming before my brain shut off.
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140,282 Literary Works • 673,074 Reviews
Don't listen to the other peeps this WAS SO GGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was fast paced and full of suspense buuuut.............................................................
I felt like it could've been........................... More??????????????
Grammar
The grammar was um ok. My grammar sucks in "a sad Facebook love story."
Keep up the AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!! Work.
-Nyanya
Thanks. agaiin i understand some of the rammer was wrong and i triedto fix most of it. Thanks for the feed back and ihope to see more in teh future!
Please ignore what these other people are saying, yes there may be a few grammatical errors, but that's the whole point of posting here, so you can pick up constructive feedback.
x
First of all, the plot is great. It's not a typical romance, it's not a typical horror. Combining the two creates a genre with great potential. You have built up the tension well and the ending is chilling and leaves the reader shocked.
Don't be put off, keep writing. The more you write the better you'll get
Thanks! i feel honored having an author of one of my favoirte stories commenting on my post! i love your story, luke, if you cant tell by my posts! not to say i dont like other authors. Thanks for the feed back and i hope to see more in the future!
There were a few grammar errors. I liked the suspense it gave me in the beginning but other than that it was formatted incorrectly, the story was not, in completion, may i say "catching." It did not catch me. I was in no desire of reading anymore. It did scare me but it did not feel complete. I found it hard to determine what category it belonged in.
and im sorry about the stupid formet. im new and i didnt know... i just registered yesterday.... sorry for the inconvenience...
Dude, we have that "age" thing for something! Fill it out, man! What if you have only twelve and I'm about to totally destroy your story? What then? If that was the case... well, I would have disliked story anyway, but I would have been a little bit less rough when saying why. So... I guess I'm gonna be more or less decent this time.
First, the format is awful. Do not center the text, do not use that color, and do not underline it. It's pretty hard to read it like that.
About the story itself, I can not say what genre this is. Is this a horror story? Is this a romantic story? Is this a drama? I can't tell, I'm sure most people would agree with me. You just try to use all this elements (stereotypical elements) from all this genres, like the killer in the woods, the sex scene, the suicide... too many things! And all of them are undeveloped, really undeveloped! You don't manage to create the tension surrounding the woods and the murderer, neither the anguish that leads your character to suicide herself. Because of this, the story is boring, and it only keeps you reading because you expect it to finally settle inside an specific genre, thus developing the plot and characters. As I said, it never does.
It is possible to use all the elements you used in a single story? Yes, sure it is, thouhg it might be a very hard thing to do; you tried, and I'm sorry to tell you, but you failed. My advice? Focus in just one element, a thing that's gonna move your characters and plot. If you want to write horror, aim for tension and suspense! If you want to write romance, aim for emotional connection! Maybe if you practice with each genre, you'll eventually be able to take different elements from them and do an amazing story with them.
I hope you don't take this as a personal attack (Truth be told, I'm a little bit cranky today. Does it show?). If you do not like my review, that's fine. But I truly want to help you, to encourage to write more and to keep trying.
i filled out the age thing. i clicked 16 and no sir i do not take this as a personal attack i take it as consturctive criticism. Thank you for taking the time to right a response to this utterly horrible story. to be clear the story is about dying love. the murderer in the woods was definitly a cliche. i chose the provide details on how Bentley had died... Thanks for the response and i hope to see more in the future...