Anne and her twin sister Clara had been frolicking in the wheat fields on the day Christopher Childs arrived in the small town of Madison, Virginia, population less than 300.
Both girls had cascading blonde hair. Both had lovely dimples that showed every time they smiled and giggled. The only difference was Anne’s eye color. Clara had ice blue eyes while Anne had eyes that shone of warm Amber. It was easy to take one look at her and lose all thoughts thanks to her eyes.
Christopher was an awkward little boy with raven black hair and eyes that were just like gems. He was only ten, which was two years more than the twins. He was of regular height and had no abnormalities. The only thing that seemed particular about him was his eyes. They were two deep pools of dark amethyst.
The twins found him to be interesting and soon, all three became quick friends. They played in the fields, shared secrets, and made a secret club. But as they began to age into teens, Christopher began noticing the twins in a whole new way. How he chose between them? We may never know.
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It was midnight, June 11th, 1993. Anne Childs had been in labor for over eight hours and her contractions were worse than death. She had her twin sister Clara and her loving husband Christopher at her side telling her to breathe deeply and try to relax. Anne had always loved a challenge, but this child proved to be a hardship.
Her screams echoed from within the little cottage located in the Blue Ridge Mountains. It was a one room home that was barely enough for one person, let alone three. But Anne was persistent that the baby be born here, for Christopher built the home with his own two hands. But she also refused to go to a hospital for fear that her secret would be discovered. She would rather have her child at home where no person or thing could find them.
The child was to be her fourth. Her other three were mysteriously killed in a massive fire the year before when they lived in Madison. The fire department discovered quickly that it wasn’t an accident, but set on purpose. Many people were questioned and accused, but no one was found truly guilty of the heinous murders.
As soon as it happened Anne knew the culprit, but they wouldn’t get this child. She would protect it with all her strength and heart. In her mind she thought of a blessing to give her child, but none came to mind. She took a shaky breathe, gave one last hopeful push, and the child was exposed to the world.
Clara gently picked up the newborn and carried her to the awaiting bucket of water outside the door. She paid little attention to the child, she simply glowed with happiness for her new neice.
“Oh my love, finally we have another child!” Christopher said enthusiastically. “I promise it will be different this time darling. No one will dare touch the child with me around. We’ll get some hounds… Yes Irish Wolfhounds. A dozen of them! All loving and careful around our babies, but fierce and bloodthirsty toward intruders. Oh my sweet this house will never do with some many living here! I’ll build you a new one, with lace curtains and Persian rugs. It’ll…..” He trailed off. His young wife had yet to make a sound.
By now Clara had come back in with the child, now pink and clean. The poor thing was wailing at the top of its lungs wanting to be with its mother.
“Congratulations my dear sister, you….” She trailed off, noticing Christopher’s stillness. The tension in the air could be cut with a knife. She walked slowly to the bed, watching Christopher the entire time.
“Come now my dear, it’s a beautiful baby girl”, she said sweetly. For she had not noticed Anne’s pain yet still placed the girl upon Anne’s breast. Anne put one hand upon the child’s temple and said words from an ancient language almost no one could understand.
The baby girl’s skin began to radiate a soft glow. Her nose became smaller, and her ears slightly pointed. Her eyes, which were at first brown, became a green so dazzling that the sun stopped for a moment to stare at her.
As the words were said and the changes finished, Anne’s body went still. Clara stared at the child that was laying silently upon her sisters bosom. She backed away slowly, not knowing what had just occurred. But she didn’t get far, for right behind her was Christopher.
“You can’t leave yet, her spirit will depart her body soon enough”, he said sharply. He them forced Clara into a seat across from the bed.
As if his words were the sign, Anne’s body became almost transparent, and suddenly, Anne stood before her. She looked the healthy young woman she always was, not the sickly looking girl that had given birth not five minutes ago.
“Clara my dear sister, mother should’ve told you long ago. I am only you’re half sister. Yes we have the same mother, but your father had been a mortal man whom was her second love. Before she had us, she met a young man named Noll,” A tear slowly rolled down Anne’s face as she explained. “Noll stole her heart and soon I was born. After this occurred she met father and they got married. He accepted me into his home like I was his own. Truly I was only a year old when you were born, but our resemblance was uncanny. So they moved us to Madison and told everyone we were twins.”
“But… Your daughter’s ears, they’re pointed. Why?” Clara asked cautiously.
Anne stared at Clara for a moment, and then turned her head to reveal her ears. She whispered a couple of words and before Clara’s eyes, Anne’s ears began to shift and they developed an obvious point. All Clara could do was stare, completely transfixed by her sisters appearance.
“I beg for your forgiveness my sister, I….” She trailed off noticing Clara’s confused stare. “Yes, I’m not completely human, I am half elf Clara.” She looked heavenward and smiled. “I must go now, mother and father are calling to me. Clara I beg of you to stay with Christopher, he can’t raise the girl on his own.”
Clara slowly nodded her head. “Christopher, did you know she was half elf?” Christopher gave her a brisk nod. “Well then Anne, tell mommy and daddy I love them.” She said with tears in her eyes.
Anne floated to where her husband stood. She leaned her head down to his ear and whispered, “Christopher, I beg of you keep our daughter safe. All I ask of you in this moment is to name her Vena and protect her like you had stated before.” She stood back and looked at both of them. “I love you both so much. Goodbye.” As she said her final words, her body seemed to disappear before their very eyes until she was completely gone.
“Well,” Clara began,” Let’s find your little girl some clothes shall we?”
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Spelling, grammar and nitpicks:
You need a bit of work here!
This is a very bland opening statement. It just serves to show how something is about to happen. I would suggest something more dynamic and gripping. Try perhaps describing the colours of the sisters' eyes, maybe something like this:
A sunset. A glass of ale. A drop of resin. All these images flashed through the mind of Christopher Childs when he arrived...
See? It catches attention.
The 'amber' does not need to be capitalised. You do not need to mention the eyes twice. Look at this version:
Both girls had cascading blonde hair. Both had lovely dimples that showed every time they smiled and giggled. The only difference was Anne’s eye color. Clara had ice blue eyes while Anne's shone like warm amber. It was easy to take one look at her and lose all thought.
See? Shorten it. Dock the unnecessary bits. You can do this throughout your work.
The ending reminded me of a soap opera. Delete the last sentence altogether, to avoid making it sound cheesy. Especially since you just cheated the readers of the whole love triangle and fighting and interesting action.
Now, be careful with commas and full stops.
(The 'you're' should be 'your' in the first line.) Look at this. I corrected a few small mistakes and added some commas and bits.
" “Clara, my dear sister—mother should’ve told you long ago. I am only your half sister. Yes, we have the same mother, but your father was a mortal man who was her second love. Before she had us, she met a young man named Noll.” A tear slowly rolled down Anne’s face as she explained. “Noll stole her heart and soon I was born. After this occurred, she met father and they got married. He accepted me into his home like I was his own. Truly, I was only a year old when you were born, but our resemblance was uncanny. So they moved us to Madison and told everyone we were twins.”"
Add a comma after addressing a person, or after a yes or no, or between sub phrases, like the very last sentence of the story. Add a comma after 'clothes'. Put them around extra info you insert into a sentence. Commas are tricky little things!
Now for general:
The characters do not really develop—they are what we call 'flat' characters, like a shallow girl in a fairytale. It would be nice to see Christopher evolve from a playful child to a loving husband. Maybe tinge the sisters' relationship with a little jealousy for some interest.
The idea is fairly average, not remarkable. It's the kind of thing you'll see often.
The last sentence was great for me. I loved that complete relaxation and break in the tension. It makes the reader wonder what will happen in the future.
This story is quite good, with some very good aspects, but needs something more to really impress me.
Keep writing!
barefootrunner
It's sort of nice, like your story before. It's more well structured, and I know more about the characters in the story.
I just feel that the ending is somewhat funny, with Clara.. But still... I would rather wish you had taken out that part and left us readers feeling mystical and strange.
The ending also felt a bit rushed, I feel you could've described this ghostly image of Anne more so that I could vividly picture it in my mind.
Thanks, and Keep Writing!
~Kat