Your presence is like radiation.
It doesn't hurt so bad at first,
But it has that long term effect.
The more you are exposed,
The more you're affected.
Your lies could be the worse,
They burn like magma,
They scorch my heart and soul;
Leave it cold, hard and without joy.
Your accusations are like mosquitoes,
You don't want them to hurt.
But you always find me unprotected
They always find my weakness.
Your ego is a balloon.
It gets bigger,
And bigger,
And bigger still,
Till that one person comes along.
That one person who pops the balloon.
One day I will be the special one.
I'll pop the balloon and expose you.
Prepare to experience the pain you've dealt,
and so much more.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Excellent poem! You conveyed the emotion very well! Now let's get nit-picky...
First, without quoting anything, I've noticed that in most of the poem, the beginning of each verse was capitalized, but some lines weren't, regardless of punctuation being a comma or period. Try to keep a certain uniform throughout the poem, it looks more structured that way.
Once I read the rest of the poem, I looked back to get the little things and this was one of them. When you say pain, you're talking about the pain the person of interest is giving off. It doesn't seem to make sense in this poem, where the person of interest is causing others pain. Change it something that links more to that angry emotion the speaker is feeling. The egotism? The bossiness? The way he/she looks at you like they're better than you? What is it that causes pain in others lives that links to this person?
This has more to do with the uniform thing overall. All contractions or all whole words; however, I liked the dramatic wording in this last part of the stanza. It's a simple line that can be linked to something such as radioactive material, and you're describing this person such as that: someone to be avoided. Well done!
This piece of advice is just repetition from amygabb. We already know that lava is molten, liquidized rock that is at an insanely hot temperature that scorches everything in its path. Take molten out; it's just reiterating the fact that the lies are like lava.
These two sentences seem a bit choppy. Try adding a semicolon (;) after soul instead of a period. So it would look like this:
They scorch my heart and soul#BF0000 ">;
leaves it cold, hard and without joy.
I would probably end up leaving the first words after commas and semicolons lowercase so that way it still flows better. Plus, if you decide to keep it all with the capitalization in every new line, then the one above would still look a little choppy.
I personally think that this would sound better if you swap the last two lines. And again, with the uniform capitalization
thing....
I enjoyed this part as far as imagery goes, but when you look at this in detail, it doesn't say what's inflating that balloon. Who's pumping the air? Who set up the pump? How long has it been pumping? Does it even look like it's going to blow up on themselves? Add some more details and it will complete the imagery.
The last two verses are well written; the emotions are subtly mentioned, but you get the HUGE impact of the craving of revenge wanted by the speaker. Good job. :]
This is where the subtlety is thrown out the window, but you still manage to keep this stanza from falling apart. Emotions are well conveyed here, although, the Yeah, in the second line of this stanza seems a bit awkward. Either take it out, or add on to it.
First of all, the emotions captured in this poem were FANTASTIC. They were dramatic, intense, and accurate. The speaker does want revenge-that's well mentioned!-but you write about it in a non-desperate way that astounds me. Now for the negatives...One thing that caught my eye was the lack of uniformity of capitalization. Pick either one; it flows better and looks well structured. For this one, I suggest making the capitalized parts after commas uncapitalized. There were also some parts in the poem where there was lack of description. Overall, you did very well. You just have a few things to polish, but I can tell by this poem that you're capable of very good works. :]
Keep writing! I expect more from you. :]
Hey! I thought there were some really great parts in this poem. Personally, I am a fan of rant-like poems (all of mine are). I thought the title is perfect for it.
I thought the simile of radiation fit well. But I don't think 'pain' is the word to use in the first sentence. The first time I read it, it sounded as though the person was depressed and I don't think that's what you mean. Maybe I'm wrong? I was thinking what you wanted to say was something more like: "Your mood/aura/disposition is like radiation."
I thought that saying 'molten lava' was unnecessary since we assume that all lava is melted rock. I'd just take molten out. Other than that, good.
One thing here: I thought the last line of this stanza didn't add anything. I also thought you should add something about how mosquitoes are sneaky and manage to find every weakness (where you didn't spray mosquitoes spray).
This was my favorite part. Enough said!
I loved how you started this stanza, but I think you need to work on the last couple lines. I think it should be: "I'm the person who's going to pop your ego." Instead of the last two lines, which I had a problem with, my suggestion is to talk about how the person is just as vulnerable as the people s/he attacks.
Anyway, I hope that helped! I really like this so hope I wasn't too harsh I think it has real potential.